A Clairwil Domestic

Not for the first time I find myself isolated. An object of ridicule! My crime was simply to try and spread a little cheer by introducing The Illman and Mr Clairwil to making balloon animals.

In The Illman's defence he at least had the good manners to humour me. Mr Clairwil refuses to indulge me at all. Below is part of our e-mail exchange on the subject. See how unreasonable he is. Honestly I don't know why I put up with it.

Balloon animals?
Bye, Mr Clairwil

Yes!Would you like to see one?

Of course. Are we talking balloons in the shape of sausage dogs?
Bye, Mr Clairwil

Illman thinks the balloon animals are silly. I will do balloons in any shape you like.

An armadillo and a duck-billed platypus,
Bye, Mr Clairwil

Sounds easy. When you learn to play Jamie Come Try Me on my uke, I shall oblige.

I didn't volunteer to play anything on the ukelele. You offered to make an animal balloon and I accepted. In Scots law an offer plus acceptance = a contract,
Bye, Mr Clairwil

Get it up ye mad matron!
Do not lecture me about Scots law! The effrontery!I made a sensible offer to make balloon animals, you kicked the arse out out of it. Not my fault. Anyway Illman and I have established a commune. I'm half minded to bar you.

Yes, you are half-minded.
Good night,
Bye, Mr Clairwil

Half minded! When he least expects it I shall hit him with a frying pan.


Fat Sparrow said...

Shape up a balloon like a dildo, pretend you're having a go with it, and I'll bet he starts to pay attention.

Bonus points if you do it in public.

Clairwil said...

More good advice. Tell me Fat Sparrow, were you always this wise?

ill man said...

I liked the ukelele thing better. Balloon animals give me the fear a wee bit. Don't ask why, it's too dull to elucidate on..........

Anyway, Bo'sun Ill Man at yr service. Arrr!

Clairwil said...

I shall be launching the pirate ship shortly. Are you going to have a moustache?

P.S My balloon animals are not scary.

lara said...

So you follow some guy who obviously hates you instead of having a husband.Has he proposed?I doubt it. Doubt he exists you insane mad slag.

Fat Sparrow said...

"Tell me Fat Sparrow, were you always this wise?"

I think the drugs helped. Not sure. Wait, maybe it was the porn movies. Or the booze. You know, I'll have to get back to you on that one.

ill man said...

Lara, I can indeed confirm that Mr Clairwil exists. That said, as someone that seems very fond of multiple identities i'm sure you do just fine living it up with the voices in your head.

David Duff said...

At least I can guess with some certainty what the insanely courageous Mr. Clairwil wears up his kilt - a cast-iron jockstrap!

Clairwil said...

Insanely courageous!?

Surely you meant very lucky?

ill man said...

I won't have a moustache. I'll have a beard if that's any use?

I've decided that i'm up for the balloon animals. How difficult can it be?

Bring it on!!

Clairwil said...

Oh yes a beard will do the trick. How many legs are you going for?

ill man said...

One and a half? Or have you got dibs on the peg leg?

Clairwil said...

Oh no I was thinking of a hook.

balloon-animals said...

if you want to learn how to make balloon animals, check out my site. http://www.balloon-animals.com

Clairwil said...


Look at his site. There is a giant balloon transformer on it. I'm awestruck.


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