Fuck Me! Lamb Chops Are Made Of Dead Baby Sheep!

Hello,

I have sad news for anyone contemplating having lamb for tea tomorrow. That stuff in the supermarket is made of actual dead sheep. I know, it seems preposterous but Jamie Oliver has proven beyond all doubt that you've all been eating dead sheep. Ah, why can't we be more like the continentals with their sophisticated knowledge about food?

As you can imagine the public are outraged .

"This is barbarous and medieval, inexcusable and irresponsible," seethed Claire Robertson from Northumberland.

"Why do we tolerate stupid celebrities?"

I'm unclear as to why killing a lamb in order to eat it is stupid. It would be far sillier to try and eat it while it was still alive, it wouldn't stay still and might even give one a nasty nip! Then again I'm not the type to phone up TV channels at the drop of a hat with insane complaints. I particularly love the 'irresponsible', as if small children will be out killing sheep as a result of seeing the programme.

Claire Robertson is not alone in her outrage;

Debbie Slough, from Southend on Sea, said: "My daughter who is 14 ended up in tears. I hastily switched channels.

Unless 'Debbie from Southend's' daughter has special needs, she is a total fuckwit. Where in the name of Christ did she think meat came from? Oak trees? Daffodils? The moon? TV's Anne Diamond? I remember causing ugly scenes at the dinner table on a family holiday by refusing to eat a steak pie because a cow was looking in the window at me and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I was nine and I'd sussed it out. Baby Debbie from Southend should be tricked into eating a relative or a family pet, that'd show her what real trauma is. Harsh but fair.

The final nail in Oliver's coffin came from Charlotte Scadeng of Oxford.

"My Jamie Oliver cook book is going in the dustbin tonight."

Bloody hell! That's multi-millionaire Jamie fucked then. I foresee book burnings. These people are insane, literally insane. I wouldn't mind if they were outraged because of an ethical objection to meat eating, I myself do not eat anything I feel even slightly sentimental about. What they are actually upset about is their denial of how meat is produced being confronted. I expect they all had visions of sheep conga dancing merrily towards the slaughterhouse, joyous in the knowledge they are feeding Debbie from Southend and her mad pals (terrible waste of good sheep). They are deluded, a quick cut to the throat by an experienced hand is in fact less cruel than the fate awaiting any animal unfortunate enough to end up in the industrial hell of an abattoir.

I should also point out that there was a warning at the start of the programme. On occasion I have watched a programme about some atrocity or another and been distressed. I don't complain about it though because I am a rational person, I just think to myself that I should have heeded the warning and wish I hadn't watched. Life is much easier when you take responsibility for your own actions.

Cheerio