Purring Cats!

Hello,
Apologies for yet another mammoth absence, I've been rather preoccupied with trying to obtain free bulbs for the last week or so and that's scoffed up my attention. I'd love to report it's going well but we've not been pledged a single bulb yet -though let's be positive I'm sure we'll get there. People thus far have been very supportive in words if not in bulbs.

Anyway moving on to jolly old cats. As some of you may be aware I very fond of the buggers for more or less the same reasons that people are suspicious of them. You can keep the dumb loyalty of dogs -who wants to be friends with something that would talk to anyone? Mind you I don't hate dogs they're quite jolly in their own way and it's always good to see one in a hat or on a skateboard looking bewildered.

So cats. Some boffin has discovered that cats use special purrs to manipulate humans into doin their bidding. I can't say I've ever noticed any special purring among my feline friends just the standard issue elderly fridge purr. When our Brian wants attention he sticks his nose into one's eye socket, Sophie wails like a tortured baby and Carly does her level best to draw blood. Maybe that's because I've been unable to recognise the special purr all these years and they've ot so frustrated they've resorted to other means to bring one into line. No wonder I left them with Mummy when I flew the nest. Reading that back it's plain they're a shower of nutters.

It's slightly off topic but I once cured someone of a serious allergy to cat hair. I must confess I was trying to murder them by collecting bits of cat hair and putting it in their pocket and handbag to no avail. It's puzzling because I got the idea when they told me that they'd blown up like a balloon and had to go to hospital because they ate a slice of cake baked by someone who owned a cat. It was upon hearing this tale related in a whiny voice that I hatched my plan. Of course because it was a murder attempt I couldn't take the credit for curing their life-threatening cat hair allergy and so the silly woman still runs screaming from cats in the belief she's still suffering. I must admit I came close to fessing up when a cat appeared at the closed office window and she ran to the other side of the room shrieking 'get it away'.

Right I'm off again to panhandle some bulbs.

Cheerio

Rentacat

Japan is the greatest nation on earth.

Oh God The Poor Bloody Idiots

Hello,
There's nothing to make me feel like I'm back at work than idiots and their antics. Firstly I learned something on the Jeremy Kyle Show this morning. Seriously. For the past six months or so I'd been amazed by the number of folk with grown up sons who refuse to sign on. It baffled me because all the fellows involved were heavy drinkers or drug users so one would have thought they'd have been desperate for money but instead they point blank refuse to claim a penny in benefits.

At last, thanks to the show of shame I know why and curse myself for being silly enough to have missed it. According to some pitiful family or other the boys don't want to sign on because they'll be sent on courses. I refrain from making further comment except to suggest that their mothers stop subsidising them just see what happens.

Moving on I see some unfortunate child has been killed by a rottweiler. Exactly how stupid does one need to be to have a dangerous dog in the house with small children? I merely ask because I've thought it through backwards and forwards and can't actually think up a decent reason.

It all rather reminds me of the moment my cousin realised social work was the wrong career. She'd been trying to reunite some moron and their poor toddler, it was all going swimmingly until mummy on the eve of the reunion purchased herself a pit bull and a persian cat claiming she was lonely. Apart from the obvious cruelty to the animals -neither being designed to live in a high rise, where do you start. I mean really.

Anyway to return to the story at hand poor Archie-Lee was killed by his grannies rottweiler despite the heroic efforts of his aunties (aged 16 and 7) to save him. I keep saying I'm far too selfish and irresponsible to have children but one wonders. Why on earth would anyone leave a child in a house with a dangerous animal? Totally fucking idiocy is my best guess.

I mean most parents are neurotic oafs about animals. My nieces killjoy bastard parents have barred the most beautiful white cat by the name of Ricksen from their house in case it upsets baby. It doesn't, I lured him in while they were out and all was well. Though my mummy was outraged! Before you all start I could take a cat out easily, murder dogs I'm less sure of.

Look at the bad press the McCanns have had for the admittedly stupid act of leaving their kids for a few hours in an unlocked apartment. Yet the idiots who left this child in a house with a dangerous dog have barely been mentioned. It's a rum old world.


Here are mum and dad's tribute sites. Read them, despair and pray the infertility fairy strikes.

I Love James The Cat

Fantastic Cat

Quickie!

Hello,
I must draw your attention to Longrider's cat blog. It is a joy! Of course of you're one those freaks that hates cats then it's not for you. As I said below I love cats to the point of madness. I remember bringing my ninth birthday party to a swift halt when someone within earshot said that they hated cats. I was so outraged I stood up on a chair and bellowed at the top of my voice 'everyone who doesn't like cats get out of my house NOW!' and to be fair they did. Since that day the girl who hated cats and I have been sworn enemies and if I were to run into her now I'd spit in her eye.

You should also pop in to the Scottish Round Up it is excellent this week and I'm in it twice-though you shouldn't let that put you off. There is lot's of great stuff and this week if you hate Labour you'll be in hog heaven.

Chherio

All sorts of chat

Hello,

It's hard to show compassion without looking ,like a grandstanding, bleeding heart. There is no story to follow, no wisdom. It's just true and that is an end to it.

In this weeks sexually exciting news I feel compelled to share this tale with you all. Mr Clairwil regularly tapes 'Balderdash and Piffile' for me because he is top notch and very clever. This week was all about criminal slang, naturally the 'Glasgow Kiss' came up. Everything seemed very normal, I remarked to Mr Clairwil that I'd never heard that expression used in Glasgow and for a hoot asked if he'd ever administered one. You can imagine my surprise when Mr Clairwil, casual as you like owns up to 'sticking the heid' on someone not once but thrice. It has been noted in the past that Mr Clairwil looks very hard but who knew that he was? I knew he'd been in scraps and stuff but this is a baw hair off gang fighting in my book. My sexual fantasies have been revised accordingly.

Earlier in the week I took a trip to Port Logan. Should anyone be trying to compile a visual dictionary and be looking for the definition of 'remote' let it be known that I've found it. What a bleak, beautiful place it is. I didn't even get to see the Victorian Fish Larder I'd gone to see thanks to endless rain, delays and a poor sense of direction. I'm going back for a weekend in September. The pub is great, the people are friendly to the point of harassment but in a good way, there is very little there but beautiful, pensive, romantic scenery and a telephone box. I love it.

The train on the way back was filled with a selection of Orange Bands. I would like it to be known that two of the flute players were amongst the most talented musicians I've ever had the pleasure to hear live. I would also like to applaud the boys open flouting of the smoking ban. Nevertheless lads, could you not get together and agree to be a less difficult bunch of people to defend? I'm on my own out here, talking up the order's egalitarian aspects, commitment to the Protestant faith, belief in civil liberties and ability to stomp a bit of in your face working class culture all over my increasingly yuppified manor. I was in fear of my life at several points on that train. Not a pleasant journey at all and I love rail travel.

Aren't cats ace ?

Cheerio

P.S The Scottish Idlers Guild is here, do join us.