Clairwil

Rumours of my death are just wishful thinking.

2010-06-20T21:53:00.004+01:00

Hello,
I'd like to report I've spent my absence doling out sexual favours to the IDF but the truth is sadly more mundane and not at likely to cause my fellow lefties to blow up and burst.

Instead I have with a heavy heart and after 12 years split up with Mr Clairwil. It's very sad but I always thought a lot more of him than he did of me and the chase just got too exhausting in the end. In other words the whole thing had limped on too long and I wasn't getting enough attention. I have to hand it to the former Mr Clairwil he's one of only two ex sparring partners I don't sincerely wish were dead. In truth I think he was glad to be rid of me and I can't help thinking he's better off without me. As girlfriends go I am a wonderful hockey player.

It's a bewildering business being single after twelve years. I am informed that blow jobs are the new 'getting off with' and that people send each other racy rexts for kicks. How typical of the world of romance to go to hell in a handcart whilst I was busy.

I also have to deal with the awful problem of being keen on new and unfamiliar folk. I do not enjoy being keen on a chap. It is awful. There is more pleasure to be had with hives. Oh yes it's all sunshine and beer when you first clap eyes on them and you think you're in with a chance but then one looks at the grim facts and suddenly the world seems a very harsh place. A passionate celibacy is all I have to look forward to. I don't like it. This is not how I see myself.

Feelings are the pits!

Cheerio

Spring is Springing!

2010-03-14T22:02:00.003Z

Hello,
A few of the fine visitors to this blog slipped me a few quid back in 2009 to help my guerrilla gardening troop buy spring bulbs. Once again heartfelt thanks to those generous souls. If anyone who donated would like to see the early results of their generosity, they can see the first flowers of 2010 to bloom on our site here and there is much, much more to come. Still there's nothing like a few early bloomers to banish winter angst.

Most of what you see in these snaps wouldn't be there if people hadn't helped out with planting, donated cash or in a few cases both. There is a before snap tucked away somewhere in gallery linked to above.

I've been haunted by terrible visions of nothing blooming despite our efforts so the sense of relief in seeing those early blooms has lifted my spirits enormously. The whole fundraising period was very hard and most painfully of all we were very badly let down by someone who promised us a great deal of help with our efforts. Still I'd rather be looking at our developing garden , knowing I'd done all I said I'd do, than be a selfish, passive/aggressive bullsugar addled parasite.

That's enough of the fall out from my bad friendship choices. Let's dwell on happier things and goggle at the flowers.

Cheerio

Steven Purcell v The Unco Guid

2010-03-04T23:15:00.010Z

Hello,
I know it goes against the grain a bit for me to be defending a Glasgow Labour councillor but whatever political differences I may have with 'The Purcell' I'm not happy to see him go and am fairly sickened by some of the web/media coverage of his resignation. Whatever my political beefs with the council, not least some of the school closures, the disputes with the trade unions and their rather shabby treatment of the fine folk from the cleansing department, gloating over this is an ugly sight. Say what you like about Purcell but he was the first Glasgow City Council leader in a very long time to be able to appear on the telly without you wanting to throw rocks at the thing to make the sheer toe curling shame stop.

I have no idea what the truth surrounding his resignation is, though I have heard a few rumours some credible and some of such a pathetic 'nudge nudge wink wink you do know he's a poof' nature that it's a miracle I am not doing time for assault or worse. I really have no earthly idea why your anti-gay type, in common with racists and misogynists need to be so evangelical with their views. Time and time again I've tried to terminate cliche ridden hate rants by informing the preacher that I'm not overly fussed by homosexuality, cannot help but think their ex-wife must have had a certain amount of right on her side and harbour no hatred towards Pakistanis.

Nothing works. Not even informing them that I am a leading member of the pc brigade and can have them thrown in prison for expressing un -pc views. I can't do any such thing and I've never met this pc brigade that persecutes Daily Mail readers so. It's desperation that makes me say these things. And so I stand flecked with someone else's spittle wishing the longest hard luck story in living memory would just end.

Incidentally my mother quite out of the blue has stopped buying the Daily Mail and informs me that it it an 'evil lying rag that ruins peoples lives'. As she and it are at one politically and I cannot get her to disclose what has offended her so much, I'd be delighted if anyone could supply me with any information that would help me get to the bottom of this strange but welcome conversion. Has Tanya Gold been writing for them again?

To return to Mr Purcell, I'm fairly irritated by the faux piety on display re the 'chemical dependency' rumours. Virtually everyone in politics is a rotten hypocrite on the subject of drugs not always by inclination but because if they were remotely honest about it the tabloids would rip them to bits, cheered on by a drink/drunk addled public who would do well to pay close attention to this poem by Burns before casting stones around their conservatories. I should also point out to my fellow Labour haters of all stripes that when the shoe is on the other foot and it will be, you'll all be squealing like Violet Elizabeth Bott about the unfairness of it all. Will you be happy to have your sneering and grinning cast up when it's your guy or girl in the firing line?

So before I'm compelled to record a 'leave Steven alone' You Tube clip can we skip all the 'much as it pains me to ask but I think only of the public interest' guff? Like I say I've no idea what truth there is in the 'chemical dependency' rumours but as he's resigned all his council positions it's no longer any of our business. The question as to whether any 'chemical dependency' affected his council duties answers itself -if you have to ask, then no it didn't. In any case even if it did what do you want to happen? Should the council re-employ him so that they can sack him for alleged 'chemical dependency'? Would you be happy to see one of the recreational drug or alcohol users you know treated that way? Really? Then you're a cunt.

Unless he's been accused of serious corruption or doing something unsavoury with my council taxes, I have no interest in knowing why he resigned. He had an office full of very capable staff who could pick up the slack if he wasn't up to the job. The hysterical notion that Glasgow was in the hands of a drug crazed Nero is as misguided as it is dishonest.

I love good gossip as much as the next man but tarting it up as concern for Glasgow is hypocrisy of the highest order.

Cheerio

Congrats to Benefit Scrounging Scum!

2010-02-17T00:02:00.003Z

Hello,
I'm delighted to see one of my favourite bloggers get a wee mention at The Guardian who obviously bear no ill will towards her for her earlier expose of their disgusting toilets.
Well done and if you haven't read her blog do pop over and give yourselves a treat.

Cheerio

Twitter Tampering

2010-02-16T22:30:00.005Z

Hello,
Do this press just sit about looking for trivial incidents to massively overreact about? I refer of course the scum sucking pigs Twitter scandal. Good Lord -these folk should have heard the things half the West of Scotland used to say about Thatcher.

There is of course a difference between the Clairwil family sat around at home making rude remarks at the telly and an MP making a public statement via his Twitter feed but it's something of a minor storm in a teacup. Labour are getting humped come the election, I can't see any major benefit coming to the tories from squealing about it. Though, as he only has a 5500 majority perhaps they're hoping to unseat him so they can swagger by him on election night flicking v signs at him and gloating 'that's elected scum-sucking pigs to you, dole boy' before heading up the road for swan and chips or whatever it is they eat.

Mind you, it would perhaps have been more sensible for the tweeting Mr Wright to simply have issued an apology and deleted the comment, rather than come up with such an incredible explanation. It would appear that it's technically impossible to edit a published tweet. So now instead of us all rolling our eyes and moving on, we are now waiting with baited breath to discover just how and indeed why this master hacker tampered with a tweet, gloated that it had hit a nerve then vanished as quickly as he arrived.

You would think that having developed his skills to such a degree that tweet re-editing was within his amazing powers he'd have had some fun with some higher profile tweeters - think of the havoc he could have wrought with Sarah Brown's account or Stephen Fry's much followed feed. Yet all he did with this truly impressive skill was make a minor alteration to one tweet on an obscure MPs Twitter feed. Truly brains are wasted on this genius.

I'm in no position to cast stones, if I'd been the mysterious tweet tamperer I'd have just changed all their comments to animal noises, most likely cows mooing - certainly a common farmyard animal. More exotic cries are hard to convey in print and would only undermine to charming rural atmosphere I would be aiming to create.

Cheerio

Rubbish Headlines!

2010-02-11T21:55:00.004Z

Hello,
The disease of writing intriguing headlines and then popping a really dull story underneath it seems to have spread from Take A Break magazine to the broadsheets. Quite why this might be I cannot say but there it is -The Guardian is turning into Chat with politics which surely means the end is nigh.

With that in mind, if you hear hooves, assume it's the four horsemen of the apocalypse and say something nice to God. I have no idea whether the blighter exists or not but with stuff like this on the loose I intend to play it safe. Believe me when that fifth trumpet sounds in 2012 I do not intend to one of the billions who will die.

Anyway there I was perusing The Guardian when I chanced upon a jolly headline: 'Shanghai's older residents turn to drugs'. Immediately visions of Chinese grannies blowing their children's inheritance on coke and toyboys leapt into my minds eye. Reading the article was like being shoved under a cold shower in a mouldy bathroom by a teacher with halitosis.

Sadly the pensioners aren't having a very good time. It's all rather depressing, the poor old timers are at a bit of a loose end and feeling lonely post retirement. Instead of taking up disco dancing and inappropriate public sex tricks to perk themselves up they're taking drugs to keep them awake during marathon mahjong sessions and developing all sorts of health problems. All I wanted was a chucklesome tale of geriatric anarchy and decadence and instead had this thin gruel ladled on to my plate. A swindle. A bum deal! Can anyone direct me to something uplifting and amusing? Restore my faith in human naughtiness.

Cheers

An email from Gordon Brown

2010-01-21T00:15:00.002Z

Hello,
Imagine my surprise when I opened an email earlier today purporting to come from the Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP -yes our nations prime minister!

I have never been so surprised in my life and will confess to feeling slight alarm that I may have inadvertantly got myself into hot water of some sort. I needen't have worried Gordon was just letting me know that he had deposited three million pounds into a bank account in my name! I am not making this up, though I strongly suspect someone else is. May it comfort them to know in the long wait for my details that they caused me a cheeky chuckle.

I would however like to make it known that I am fully prepared to vote Labour in exchange for three million pounds. Below is the text of this quite remarkable email.

FOREIGN & COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS COMMISSION.TREASURY AND MINISTER FOR CIVIL SERVICE, LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM. Our ref: ATM/13470/IDRYOUR REF:CLAIMS/ATM/882 Date: 20/01/2010 IMMEDIATE PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

I am The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP,Prime Minister British Government. This letter is to officially inform you that (ATM Card Number 4966430104864106) has been accredited with your favor. Your Personal Identification Number is 477.The VISA Card Value is Ј 3,000,000.00(Three Million, Great British Pounds Sterling).

This office will send to you a Visa/ATM CARD that you will use to withdraw your funds in any ATM MACHINE CENTER or Visa card outlet in the world with a maximum of Ј5000 POUNDS STERLING daily.Further more,You will be required to re-confirm the following information to enable; The Rt Hon. David Miliband MP Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs. begin in processing of your VISA CARD.

(1)Full names: (2)Address: (3)Country: (4)Nationality: (5)Phone #: (6)Age: (7)Occupation:

Forward Reply To: ukgovdirect@5.am TAKE NOTICE: That you are warned to stop further communications with any other person(s) or office(s) different from the staff of the State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs to avoid hitches in receiving your payment.

Regards, The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MPPrime Minister.

Do you think anyone actually fell for this?

Cheers

Looting in Haiti

2010-01-19T21:13:00.004Z

Hello,
If it were to emerge that the press were bribing Haitians to loot for the cameras, my eyebrows and jaws would remain stonily unmoved such is the extent of their barely suppressed excitement at the prospect of looting.

For some unaccountable reason best known to themselves they've been less keen to call attention to the impressive efforts Haitians themselves are making to deal with the catastrophe. Whilst I realise rioting and looting is a good deal sexier than folk forming neighbourhood committees and pooling their meagre resources, a bit of balance would be nice and perhaps a degree of imagination about what it must be like to find oneself in such a terrible, chaotic situation.

The US Ambassador in Haiti states that the vast majority of people are going about their business in a 'calm and peaceful manner'. Similarly this aid worker hasn't seen any looting at all. This article is headlined 'Haiti earthquake: looting and gun-fights breakout', yet when it runs out of violence and looting to fill up the space, goes to report ordinary Haitians heroically doing their bit to help each other.

Linda Polman writes in The Times about the harmful effect this unfair and negative portrayal of Haitians is having on the aid effort. An article which ends with this short and very moving paragraph; 'Let’s hope that the food distributors worrying about their safety know that yesterday hundreds of people in Port-au-Prince dropped to their knees praying outside a warehouse where workers for the agency Food for the Poor had announced that they would be distributing rice and beans. The crowd allowed children and the elderly to go first in line without having guns aimed at them first.'

I am not suggesting that violent incidents should not be reported but given the negative impact such reports are likely to have on public donations, it's irresponsible of the media to pay such scant attention to the decency, bravery, and generosity of so many Haitians in the face of appalling tragedy.

To be fair to the media I doubt they're being swamped with complaints over this and naturally assume everyone is happy with their coverage. 25,000 people in this country were happy to spare the time to unleash Twitter hell over an insensitive, ill timed unpleasant Daily Mail column on one dead pop star. Is it asking too much for a bit of that outrage to be utilised in defence of almost ten million Haitians against this damaging and biased reporting?

Donations to Haitian disaster relief can be made here.

Cheerio

Crap Photofit

2010-01-17T23:54:00.004Z

Hello,
Photofits are rubbish. People don't like to say so because they normally encounter the things when news reaches them that some frightful beast is on the loose and they don't want to undermine the search by loudly remarking that no human on earth ever looked like that.

I remember my entire family being reduced to tears of helpless laughter by a Crimewatch photofit of a rapist who bore a striking resemblance to a wooden spoon. As mother wisely remarked displaying a picture of the sex offending oddity seriously undermined the horror all right thinking people ought to feel at such a crime. Honestly you should have seen us rolling around the floor laughing even though it hurt. The hiccups that night were a purgatory!

Mind you it did put my own run of bad luck with the sex offender community into perspective. Whatever humiliations I have endured at least the perp wasn't an egg whisk.

Anyway it has come to my attention that a new photofit of Osama Bin Laden is, like Mr Bin Laden himself, on the loose. However before all you amateur sleuths get over excited and send poor Mo from the newsagents to Guatanamo for advanced bullying, hear this. The photofit is rubbish. When I first saw it I wondered why Osama had Gordon Brown's hair. It turns out the hair belongs to a Spanish politician as does the jaw line.

In other words the FBI have presented the world the a picture of a Spanish fellow entirely unrelated to Mr Bin Laden but sumperimposed Bin Laden's eyes and nose to it to trick us into thinking they haven't entirely wasted our time.

If they don't know what he looks like at the moment they'd be as well keeping quiet. Stunts like this make them look like the Keystone Cops only funnier. One might as well stick a Bin Laden mask to a cheetah or a portaloo and ask the world if they've seen this man.

Cheerio

Haiti

2010-01-15T22:42:00.004Z

Hello,
As every other idiot on the planet has been bumping their rancid gums about the situation in Haiti, I see no reason why I shouldn't join in. Honestly you should see the Guardian comments -60% were probably first drafted in crayon by someone who moves their lips while they read (I would link to them but they appear to have vanished).

Anyway I've had a bit of a bee in my bonnet about Haiti for a number of years now, an interest that deepened after attending a fascinating lecture on Haitian Voodoo a few years back. I shall confess to a slight giddiness at certain aspects of Haitian culture.

Haiti is a wee country that has been at the mercy of the vile actions of bullying nations almost from the get go. Far from being a basket case ruled by incompetents it actually had a relatively sensible fellow in charge following it's successful slave revolt. Toussaint L'Overture made great efforts to establish a stable nation including acknowledging that the exiled planters had something to offer in terms of their expertise and inviting them to return to the island, ensuring work on plantations continued and establishing trading links with the United States. Had he been allowed to get on with it Haiti today might be in better shape than it is. But he wasn't.

Instead the French preferred him where they could see him and deported him to France where he died. Not content with that the French later demanded a payment of 150 million Francs in return for recognising Haiti as independent. This was intended to compensate the former slave owners who'd lost out when the slaves had the effrontery to object to being slaves. As insults go it's hard to beat; expecting the victims of a crime to compensate the criminal but there we have it. Whilst the sum payable was later reduced it took Haiti until the late 1940's to repay the money extorted from them. Let's face it being 150 million francs in debt isn't really the best of starts for a new nation.

I remember a few years back there was a call for the descendants of former slaves the world over being given reparations. At the time I thought this was a bit foolish and felt the money would better spent ending modern day slavery. I stand by that but if ever there was a nation that was due a refund it's Haiti. I don't wish to single out the French, the British, the Spanish and the Germans won't be winning any retrospective prizes for generosity or decency either.

Moving on to nearer the present the American government have made several very destructive interventions into Haiti, incredibly on one occasion they even used pigs, more of which later.

The United States occupied Haiti between 1915 and 1934, something of a mixed blessing to say the least but they did leave it with some sort of infrastructure and in better shape than before they arrived.

Of course no mention of Haiti would be complete without a mention of the distinctly unlovely Duvalier family. In an interesting use of U.S public funds the government decided to back these monsters with generous military and economic aid. Poor old Haiti run by a thieving dictator, backed by the worlds no1 superpower. The Duvalier's are believed to have trousered about 80% of all international aid that came into the country during their rule. It may surprise you to learn that all the good work the U.S did on the infrastructure during it's occupation was squandered during this time by a regime bought and paid for by the U.S. 'Baby Doc' Duvalier is still alive and living in Paris. In a sane world he'd be captured, put on trial and jailed for what he and his family have done.

Then we have the frankly bizarre Aristide episodes, which for reasons of length I shall gloss over, pausing only to issue a tut in the direction of the United States who know full well how a democracy works and have no business sticking their oar in.

I promised you pigs would put in an appearance so here are the wrong pigs. In the late 1970's Haiti's pig population was struck down with a dose of swine flu. As is the usual practice with this type of situation all the pigs were put to sleep and the repopulation began. Unfortunately the USA sent the wrong pigs. Pigs of a breed ill suited to the Haitian environment and required special feed which the people couldn't afford. Before long the wrong pigs died out and the people who'd relied on pigs for their living lost a valuable source of food and income. On the plus side American pig farmers made a fortune.

Then some mastermind decided it would be just the ticket to dump excess subsidised cheap American rice on the Haitian market undercutting Haitaian farmers and leading to the collapse of the Haitian rice growing industry who couldn't compete. You might ask what on earth possessed the Haitians to import something that would destroy their ability to feed themselves. The answer being the IMF and the World Bank who forbade them to take measures to protect their developing economy in case it made the market angry. At this point market forces kicked in and Haitians took to buying and selling mudcakes as a foodstuff.

It would be funny if the consequences weren't so dire. A poor country tries to protect it's economy and the developed world has a fit of the vapours and calls it a commie. Meanwhile the worlds richest country imposes tarriffs to keep cheap rice out and protect it's rice growers.

Oh and before any smuggos start on about the satanic USA you may wish to reflect on the European Union's record on subsides and tarrifs. Of course having a go at the USA is quite the thing round my way, attacking the EU and it's filthy practices is xenophobia.

More hilarious still for admirers of starvation humour is the spectacle of smug fuckers born into houses with taps who've barely broken a sweat in their entire life wondering why the filthy foreigners don't just sling a few quid into some shares and stop scrounging off the rest of us. Ironically if the free market these fuckers are so fond of actually existed, countries like Haiti might be in better shape as they could sell their cash crops on the international market. The western consumer would get cheaper rice, they'd have jobs, money and a basis on which to develop their economy. Instead as we've seen with the banks it's socialism for the fat cats and capitalism for the peasants.

Having come through all that is it really any wonder Haiti was an almighty disaster even before the earthquake struck? Yes, corruption is a problem there but given that the people have barely had a chance to participate in a democracy and hold their rulers to account, can they be held responsible for their governments actions?

The point all this is drifting towards is that the the Haitians deserve whatever help we can give them both in the long and short term. Clearly at the moment the disaster relief effort is the main priority and for those with a few quid to spare donations can be made here to experienced charities well used to operating in corrupt countries and will ensure your donation stands the best chance of reaching the people it was intended for.

In the longer term whilst charitable donations can help and are to be encouraged, those with in an interest in Haiti need to get a lot better at holding our politicians to account in relation to the strings attached to government aid, cancelling Haiti's debt and giving them access to international markets if Haiti is to escape this endless round of disaster, dictatorship, coup and aid.

Goodnight

Raise Your Drawers!

2010-01-05T20:42:00.004Z

Hello,
I note all the understandable howls of outrage about irritating nutbag Anjem Choudary's plans to pointlessly give offence to the good folk of Wootton Bassett by staging a publicity stunt in memory of the "real war dead".

I very much doubt that the whole farce will go ahead as I'm sceptical of Mr Choudary's ability to rally sufficient fundafannies to carry the cardboard coffins while he boo hoos his crocodile tears over the dead Afghans. Still in announcing it he's created an almighty fuss, distressed the residents of Wootton Bassett and got his mug all over the papers which is no doubt what he wants.

Still as no one appears terribly into the idea of completely ignoring the tit, a counter demo has been announced.

I must say I'm particularly tickled by this idea from the folk at The Spittoon which rather wonderfully combines protest with a bit of fun at the expense of Choudary and the failed plane bombers exploding drawers.

'let all who wish to show this truly grotesque man up as the nasty, ridiculous bigot he is – FLY THE UNDERPANTS!.......we all know that angry andy and the bombastic beards of barminess would be applauding the Glorious Pants Of Terror right now if it had all gone as planned on flight 253, so let’s throw it right back in their faces. take a broomhandle or some other stick-type object and fly a pair of y-fronts off them as a flag. stick them in the window of your house or the window of your car, like people did in the last world cup.'

Rather than the proposed y-fronts, I'd prefer to see vast bloomers -the sort of thing Mrs Slocombe in Are You Being Served? used to sport. However I'm not fussy and am certain that all varieties of underpant are equally capable of making their point. Whether this particular protest goes ahead or not, this is such a brilliant, simple and amusing idea I suspect it won't be long before Choudary cops an eyeful of the nation's drawers.

Cheerio

The Guardian

2009-12-29T20:42:00.005Z

Hello,
It may be that I have an unusually suspicious nature but I can't help but think this fellow over at The Guardian is being somewhat naive.

Mr Kennedy is somewhat indignant to find out that an organic food chain by the name of 'Whole Foods' isn't quite as wholesome as it's marketing hopes you'll believe. I know I can hardly believe it myself! Can it be true? Do we live in a world where marketing firms are paid millions to churn out any old bollocks to prise the pennies from our purses?

I can't even be bothered going into the terrible events that caused the scales to fall from his eyes. I shall merely ask whether his apparent distress at the sight of a bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup means his life is easier or much harder than everyone elses. On the one hand he's lucky that's all he has to worry him but on the other, life cannot be easy if condiments bring on a fit of the vapours. Mind you he's lucky it was Heinz -he'd no doubt be horrified at some of the inferior brands most supermarkets will try and palm you off with. The worst offenders are cafes -what these fiends try to pass of as HP ought to banned.

I'm a bit surprised at the ruler of Whole Foods being so open about selling junk to naive toffs. If I was him I'd be arranging my face into a suitably Christ like expression of compassion and emoting about pesticides and children, casually chucking in that 'we at Whole Foods sell organic stuff' -that's bound to be worth a few extra sales once the parents of Georgie, Jack and Jemima get all hysterical at the idea their little seedlings are being poisoned.

I must say the Guardian is superb at the moment, absolutely superb. Mr Eugenides very kindly draws our attention their 'I've Changed My Mind' series in which contributors affect to have undergone some some change in their thinking but which lead me to suspect someone, possibly Viz might have infiltrated The Guardian offices in order to play a terrible prank on us all. The one by a repentant 'Modern Parent' type is quite wonderful especially for the bewildered cry of 'he'd never watched anything more violent than Teletubbies'.

In fairness most of the 'I've changed my mind..' article read like those awful school essays one was forced to write about the holidays in which one had to cobble assorted imaginary incidents together to fufil the one page of foolscap, both sides brief. I expect with the credit crunch they all need the money for organic sunblushed foie gras roulades or what ever it is they're into these days.

Cheerio

Hey! Terry Show Us Your Legal Action!

2009-12-26T04:11:00.005Z

Hello,
I recently emailed Cllr Terry Kelly in response to some lies he'd told about me on his blog.

Here is his response!

'It wasn't just the terrywatch site which was repellent you were as well; anyone who uses mental health issues to gain personal advantage is beneath contempt; that means you.

You were anonymous out of cowardice nothing else; like the other contemptible blogger "Will" you now feel vulnerable because of the recent expose of anti Labour blog scandals and you no doubt wonder what might happen. I have been contacted by two different sources who remember the Herald article and they have asked me if I would supply them with any stuff which I have kept so I am watching developments closely. It would be interesting to add some other names of people involved in such despicable behaviour.

I don't know anything about other Herald Stories on you or the other malcontents involved and I don't want to know; the whole rotten lot of you deserve each other. As far as taking further action against you is concerned that decision will be taken not by me but by my daughter; were it simply down to me you would have had the lawyer's letter by now.'

Cllr. Terry Kelly.

Oh dear! I'm actually desperate for this to go to court. I'm of the opinion that prosceuting me for my political beliefs hurts him rather more than it hurts me. I'm also of the opinion that pigs will fly the day this pair of political bigots sue me.

Cheers

P.S If anyone is up for restarting Terrywatch on a more organised and more analytical basis let me know.

J.C

I Thought They Banned It!

2009-12-24T21:24:00.003Z

Hello,
Every year the press get's itself into a terrible state about Muslims no doubt in cahoots with the pc brigade banning Christmas in order to torment the all important indigenous people.

The notion that these stories are all but made up is of course unthinkable, which begs the question when are they going to get round to banning it round my way? It shows no signs of abating, in fact even the bloody Muslims have joined in, though I've not seen this pc brigade we hear so much about skipping around in party hats. I expect they're hiding somewhere just waiting to pounce.

It's not that I mind Christmas in itself. One get's time off work, there are lights and decorations, someone usually dies in Eastenders and there's a lot of drinking. In that respect it means that once a year the rest of the nation resembles what goes on in my head during idle moments -though with less in the way of kittens.

It's the fucking gifts I can't stand -that and the physical contact. This year in work we had the usual 'Secret Santa' draws in the various offices. I ended up in draws in two offices, which meant buying two presents and receiving two presents. It's just as well my mother used to lecture me on not giving to receive because I'd have been bloody furious otherwise. I spent hours on my gifts whereas one of my Secret Santas might as well have popped into the service station for a bunch of withered mixed flowers and a chamois leather.

Naturally I have undertaken detective work to establish precisely who my enemy is and have been stunned to learn that such a seemingly nice chap can hold me in such contempt. It's all the more frustrating because I've lost count of all the bitchy things I could have said about him during the year but held back because I thought wearing Simpsons ties in the office didn't necessarily mean he was evil. I think for my New Years resolution I shall revert to despising everyone until they prove themselves to be good eggs.

Finally I ask you all to note the clip at the top of the page. It's part one of three of the 1977 Christmas special of The Good Life. As Grace Dent notes in the Guardian it might well be Penelope Keith's finest acting hour. I love the charecter of Margo Leadbetter to the extent that I have to remind myself, sadly she isn't real and as such I shall never be admitted to one of her bridge parties. Do take the time to watch the episode- it's quite the hoot.

Cheerio

Laughing All The Way To The Bank!

2009-12-11T19:36:00.004Z

Hello,
Imagine if you will, getting up one day to find you'd been burgled and everything of value you owned had been nicked. Worse still you hadn't got round to renewing the insurance leaving you seriously out of pocket. Still not to worry -you're a plucky, robust sort. Of course you'll need to cut back a bit, raid the savings and maybe holiday at home next year. Still you say to yourself it could be worse at least none of your family were hurt during the burglary. Gradually the house starts to feel like home again and though you're still angry about the burglary, you can think of it without foaming at the mouth.

Then one day a postcard arrives. It's from the thief. He just wants to let you know he booked himself an extended holiday with the proceeds of the burglary and wanted to tell you all about the great laughs he's been having at your expense. The next morning his wife drops you a line to tell you about the lovely kettle she bought with that money you'd foolishly left on the sideboard. And not a word of thanks between them.

You'd be hopping mad, homicidal, crazed with rage. Walls would be punched, cats would be kicked, appliances would be hurled from top floor windows -only you don't have any appliances because the bastard burglar knicked them all. You'd be bloody furious so much so that you really would see the red mist there before your very eyes.

Someone nicking your stuff is bad enough but nicking your stuff and laughing at you is maddening beyond belief. You'd feel you were being goaded, belittled, insulted. You'd say he's taking the piss and you'd be right.

The above just about sums up how I feel about the article I linked to in my last post written by Austin Mitchell MP . Not only has he robbed us with his extravagant expenses claims, he's popped along to The Guardian to tell us all just how bloody funny he thinks the whole thing is. And yes, his wife, his unelected wife is at the expenses as well, having just splashed out £75 for a kettle. Some bird who happens to live with a MP has spent £75 of our money, £10:70 more than a single unemployed person gets to live on in a week, on a wretched bloody kettle. A kettle.

Words fail me! I'm reduced to opening and shutting my mouth like a big purple faced fish. Talk about a brassneck. As if the article itself isn't offensive enough he's laughing in his byline photo. Laughing at us like a man with a fucking subsidised kettle.

From time to time I fill out Community Care Grant forms for my more impoverished clients to help them buy furniture and household goods. There are no £75 kettles for these folk. As the grants are drawn from a limited budget people are expected seek out the bargains so whilst you might want a £75 kettle, the decision maker will call you up establish that you own a pot and your hob works therefore you don't need a kettle. Fancy a fridge? Not if you have a windowsill to keep a pint of milk on and no essential medication that needs keeping cool. What about an oven? No -you own a perfectly good microwave. A Duck House - no chance! A Bell Tower -piss off! Removal of that troublesome wisteria - when hell freezes over.

These grants are applied for by people with disabilities, ex-homeless and the like who have no savings and rely entirely on benefits for their income. They don't get £60,000 p/a -these are folk on four figure annual incomes. Perhaps one of the good socialists of the Labour Party could enlighten us. Are these people receiving far, far less help than they're due or having you lot just been ripping the piss right out of your expenses? After all expenses are just for what you need not wee treats. Or are some pigs more equal than others?

Cheerio

Look at This Cretin!

2009-12-11T00:06:00.002Z

Hello'
Ladies and Gents I give you Austin Michell MP and his hilarious expenses claims with some help from the little lady. God I wish they'd all drop dead.

Cheerio

Inheritance, Crochet, Knitting and Bulbs

2009-11-22T21:52:00.005Z

Hello,
This is one of these rambling blog posts about little of any real importance to those of you in the non-Clairwil community but may it comfort you to know rambling pleases me.

Obviously a proper writer would find some way to link their personal situation to Gordon Brown or some other drain on the nations joy. It's bloody typical of me to become quite upbeat when everyone else is walking around with their faces tripping them because blighty has gone to the dogs.

I suspect it's the thrill of the new that's put a spring in my step. Recently I met a Lady as in a member of the aristocracy. I thought she was top form and not at all snooty -though very, very posh indeed. Obviously I felt like a bit of a midden in comparison and experienced several cold sweats about doing something non-u with an imaginary serviette. Still when all is said and done I do not believe my conduct besmirched the reputation of the lower middle classes. No doubt a huge parade of casual racism and curtain twitching will be held in my honour when the sixties semi set get wind of it.

I'm actually feeling rather aristocratic myself following mother's announcement that my granny's books are to be disposed of . Mind you, unlike the real aristocrats I don't even have the option of involving the Scottish National Trust

My inheritance snatched from me by an unfeeling feng-shui practitioner. Instead of expressing my true feelings on the subject I have opted for damage limitation. To date I think I have saved the poetry, The Book of Snobs , Three Men In a Boat and a P.G Wodehouse that I believe is in the collection but no one else does. I have also petitioned for the sale of the rest since their presence is such an affront. I cannot bear to see those damp smelling, dusty hardbacks binned.

They aren't just objects or clutter they are the library of a clever, curious woman forced to leave school at thirteen because of a lack of money, who rather than just whine about the injustice chose to combine rage with lifelong self -education. I think there is a lot to admire in that, however difficult and bitter she was on a personal level. Who can blame her? Virtually all her siblings won scholarships and went on to better things while she became a servant. You'd think Mummy would be delighted with such a legacy but no. On she trundles in her quest to leave nothing but a crap pebble-dashed semi.

Recently I've taken up yon knitting which I'm finding restful and tricky in equal measure. I cannot move for tripping over knitting needles holding the beginnings of bears, snoods, cats, balls and caterpillars. Sadly despite my best efforts crochet eludes me. For now.

My gardening, fund raising and bulb planting mission continues and whilst I think we shall fall short of the big target having been very badly let down here and there, both I and my partner in gardening crime have exceeded our targets and between us brought in a cool 7000 bulbs. All donations are gratefully received but we were particularly impressed by the good folk of the North Kelvin Meadow pitching in with £50 and priceless free labour with yesterdays planting. This donation was particularly touching because the city council are in the process of removing them from the land to sell the land to folk who will build a block of flats that are neither wanted or desirable in that area. Depressing stuff.

Strangely the council think my troop of guerrillas are just the ticket and have offered us all sorts of much needed help. Better still we're more or less a constituted group which means we can apply for funding. My aim has always been for the group to become a full time occupation -let's face it there's plenty neglected land that needs our attention. However I'd like us to at least generate most of our own income and just top up with grants and the like. Between us all we've a million plans and hopefully we're at a point where they might just be possible. All in all I'm happy.

Cheerio

The Britblog Round Up

2009-11-15T21:17:00.007Z

Hello,
As my longer term readers will have noticed it's been a while since I last hosted The Britblog Round Up. Having quit to spend Sunday offline a while back I found I was missing it and decided to offer my services on the subs bench so this may be the first of many infrequent returns of the round up to these pages.

As an island we've not had an awful lot of good news recently so it was nice to round the week off with rugby victories for both Scotland and England. The less said about Scotland's footballing performance the better so let's just say well done Wales and move swiftly on to the cream of this weeks blogging talent.

Gordon Brown's attempt to comfort the grieving mother of a soldier killed in Afghanistan or more accurately The Sun's attempt to portray his letter as a calculated insult caused a stooshie this week. Whilst Brown elicited sympathy from both expected and unexpected quarters. A Very British Dude felt that despite his initial sympathy for Brown the row did reveal something rotten in the governments attitude towards our armed services and brought to mind some of the governments own past dirty tricks. My take on the whole debacle can be found below.

The Sun hasn't just been upsetting Gordon Brown this week. Both Trixy and Mark Reckons are disgusted at the papers targeting of Professor Nutt's children. Judging from some of the comments under the original Sun story it appears that the paper has again misjudged the mood of it's readers.

Penny Red treats us to a spirited defence of a young woman who had the effrontery to horse about in a pair of comedy pants on a night out only to find she'd become the poster child for hysteria over binge drinking ladettes.

The Glasgow North East by election has caught the attention of more than one blogger. David Duff wonders if there's something in the porridge. Jeff at SNP Tactical Voting is unsurprised by the result. Meanwhile Archbishop Cranmer reminds us that the poor will always be with us and judging from his depressing, if informative list, mainly found in safe Labour seats.

Speaking of poverty The Daily Maybe present the argument for a possible solution in the shape of a basic citizens income for all.

Philibiblon examines what 'Martine Segalen’s Love and Power in the Peasant Family: Rural France in the Nineteenth Century' has to tell the reader about French rural life. Meanwhile Investigations of a Dog looks at military culture in early Stuart England as detailed in a very expensive book.

Stroppyblog is less than impressed with Hope Not Hate's attempts to head off the BNP threat and wonders why their literature appears to be aimed at people who probably wouldn't vote BNP anyway . Elsewhese Gramsci of all folk get's an outing thanks to an article by Melanie Phillips. Liberal Conspiracy and Bella Gerens take a look at the arguments.

This post from the F-word prompts one to wonder what on earth goes at E4 and appears to reveal some strange and disturbing attitudes in the minds of the writers of Misfits.

This Tory believes that government attempts to protect homosexuals will do more harm than good. Read his letter to Jack Straw here.

Ruscombe Green brings us news of lively events at Stroud Council.

The Earthenwitch renders a cob house. On the bright side judging from the picture it looks like the end result will be well worth all the effort.

Ducks the nation over will breathe a sigh of relief that not only do they have a friend in Liberal England but in the Stroud Fire Service . However they may wish to scratch the Taxpayers Alliance off the Christmas card list.

The ever popular subject of chocolate get's two mentions this week. Unmitigated England is gloomy at the looming prospect of the Kraft takeover of Cadburys. Meanwhile Backwatersman recalls a visit to Cadbury World.

Pickled Politics bring us a depressing account of good conduct well punished. Truly British justice is the best in the world.

No less depressing is this one that goes, a blogger an architect, a civil servant, a marketing manager and a councillor go into a bar.....

From the threatened demise of Cadburys as we know it to the threatened end of the world.
Two Doctors is unimpressed with the arguments put forward by climate change sceptics and those who believe disaster will be averted by the end of cheap oil.

Punkadiddle re-reads a much loved classic and judges the cover to be a very lovely thing indeed.

Heresy Corner reports on the computer that said no to Churchill's call to fight on the beaches and is not optimistic about the ability of computers to cope with complex marking.

Finally allow me to apologise for the delay in posting this weeks round up -Blogger had one of it's periodic fits apparently prompted by my hitting of the publish button. The Round up will be elsewhere next week so get your nominations in here.

Cheerio

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown!

2009-11-10T21:34:00.004Z

Hello,
I'm not actually all that unhappy, in fact I'm quite perky but some very strange things have been happening over the last few days. I flick on the telly and find the death penalty has be reinstated and Garry Glitter has a fatal appointment with the noose. The last time I was that shocked was when I absent mindedly fell asleep in front of the telly only to wake up and see a fellow being hanged. It turned out it was Saddam Hussein but it was still a shock and quite upsetting at such an early hour. Apparently it had to be shown on telly in case the Iraqis thought we were pulling their leg -like the WMD prank we pulled a while back. As I was alone in a hotel in Rotterdam at the time I don't see why arrangements couldn't have been made not to broadcast to my room. I did not have so much as one sceptical Iraqi in my room and would have believed the news had it been conveyed in writing.

Anyway to return to our fallen leader, Mr Glitter it would appear that the whole programme was set in a parallel Britain and that he's in rude health and free to worry the nation's nursery schools of a morning. I don't hold with child molestation but you have to hand it to him he is the only rock star to ever truly outrage public morality. With regard to the programme they'd have been better fictionally hanging the Kray twins. I have noticed a strange love of the Krays amongst fans of hanging, it would have been interesting to see their reaction to that one.

As if the whole Glitter hanging business wasn't enough I then find myself on the same side of an argument as Councillor Terry Kelly and Gordon Brown. I refer of course to the current debacle over the PM's handwriting and spelling. I should of course declare that I have a certain empathy with this situation my failure to close O's has brought more than one member of the educational establishment to the brink of madness. You can tell looking at Brown he has crap handwriting, a messy desk and he forgets where he put things. Even as we speak he's probably standing in his kitchen gawping at a stapler wondering how the bloody hell it and he got there.

When Brown took over I can't say I was delighted but I drew a certain comfort from the fact that he looked like a man who, if questioned, could not account for the whereabouts of his tie collection, unlike his predecessor who looked like the sort of man who kept them in individual Tupperware boxes stacked in order of purchase.

There is also the matter of Brown being somewhat short sighted what with the unfortunate loss of an eye and deteriorating sight in the other. He probably can't see what's wrong with his handwriting. Literally.

The way The Sun are hyping this story up you'd think all was sweetness and light in Blighty, that everyone was happy with the government and we all thought Afghanistan was a spiffing adventure abroad for thrill seeking young lads. Good God! Unemployment is rampant, the army are in Afghanistan armed with peashooters fighting a pointless war in which we're going to be humped and in the midst of all this misery the government plan to go after the disabled and their carers again in their completely wrong headed attempt at welfare reform and Britain's most widely read newspaper is in a strop about the prime ministers handwriting.

The one thing The Sun could usefully do is call attention to the poor pay, poor accommodation and poor equipment of our armed forces. They could really go mad and question what in God's name we're doing out there. They could even question why so many ex-military are homeless or receiving such shocking physical and mental care in the community. They could do a lot of things, a lot of good populist easily understandable things but instead we are treated to the grotesque spectacle of a mother mad with grief lashing out at one of many right targets for the wrong reasons, exploited to sell a few rags for Rupert. The whole thing is quite shameful.

Cheerio

The Value of Nothing!

2009-11-03T23:06:00.006Z

Hello,
Having spent the best part of today trying to talk in a soothing manner to an extremely distressed and disturbed chap who is being driven mad by 'these waves' and believes that his appliances are telling him to kill people, I have gone from being quite cheery to despairing for humanity.

Not being at all qualified to deal with this sort of thing I confess I felt somewhat out of my depth. One wonders what was going on in his mind, though not have as much as I wonder what was going on the mind of the hero at the Jobcentre who sent this emaciated, unwashed and terrified soul over to me for advice on getting back into employment.

Actually I don't wonder what the walking empathy bypass at the Jobcentre was thinking at all. I should imagine it was their targets interspersed with dreams of spitting in the gruel in a workhouse. Funnily enough I have targets and the like to work to but felt rather than piss about telling the chap what 'in work benefits' he might be entitled to before rustling up a c.v I'd refer him to his GP by getting on the phone and using the skill of being reasonably articulate to arrange an urgent same day appointment.

No one dislikes people more than I do but even I can see that it's a terrible thing for a human being to be in such a state of distress and that it would be a worse thing if their television actually convinced them to do someone in. Even the tit at the Jobcentre. There is of course one's self image to think of. I'm sure both I and my chum at the DWP like to think we're not the sort of people who would take advantage of a mentally ill person for the sake of meeting some arbitrary target dreamt up by some overpaid nit who knows about as much about real life as I do about expenses fiddling.

Whilst I don't want to go sobbing all over the settee at other folks problems I think we might all rub along a bit better if certain folk considered the possibility from time to time that other peoples needs should perhaps come before their own. I do realise that whilst this chap is out of work he's costing us all money but I personally find the idea of a seriously ill person being harassed into employment for the sake of saving a few bob morally repugnant. Money is important and it's very useful at the shops but a person's worth cannot be determined solely by their economic worth. Good Heavens if people believed that they'd cheer when they hear about the deaths of those deemed economically worthless and no one has been that evil since we saw off Hitler.

Oh whoops a daisy! Would you believe it -the readers of the Daily Mail are in high spirits because an illegal immigrant has died from suffocation in the back of a lorry? Obviously pussy lefties and other assorted lunatics think it's awful that someone died in this way. Some freaks might even feel a bit of sympathy for someone who's circumstances were so grim that they were prepared to risk their life in the hope of bettering their lot. In fact one might even shud an awful shudder imagining the slow death one of their fellow human beings has had.

Still not all the Mail readers are breaking out the champagne. Whilst Martyn Robinson of Northampton believes this mans death has saved us a 'house, car and free money' and Keith Jones of Porthcawl feels it is 'good news. One less to worry about', Crackers of Yorkshire reminds us that it's only 'one down, millions to go'. Similarly downbeat is Eduoard Dunnachie of Carnwath who is upset that this country may be 'liable for disposing of his corpse'.

It may surprise you to learn that these were the comments that made it past the moderators. The mind boggles at what they felt was unfit to publish. Let's hope none of the chaps family are online Mail readers

One can't even excuse these comments as being from people who feel strongly about immigration and are angry at the governments record on border control. Someone who felt like that would I imagine be calling for tighter controls in the hope that these would deter people from trying their luck. They may also demand much stiffer penalties for people convicted of people smuggling. And all of those would be fairly sensible and defensible positions.

They don't even work as bad taste jokes or black humour. Can any passing boffin who may have arrived her to sneer at me advise me what the origins of this madness are? When did people start weighing the worth of their fellow humans solely in cash? If I find out these are the same folk who bang on about there being no sense of community anymore heads will roll.

Excuse me I'm off to live in a cabin in the woods with only foxes and wood pigeons for company before you monsters all deem me 'nil economic value' and sell me for glue. It's a terrifying day when I of all people am forced to call on people to try and be a bit nicer. At the very least people could try sugaring the pill with a few jokes.

Cheerio

Look!

2009-11-02T23:08:00.002Z

Hello,
It's not the most startling or original observation in the world but I am compelled to repeat it -Sting and his awful wife are tools of the devil. Look at them. I've seen people assaulted for less. Come to think of it I've been assaulted for less.

Cheerio

New Plans For Trafalgar Square!

2009-10-21T23:35:00.004+01:00

Hello,
Have any of you ever visited Trafalgar Square? I have and it's pleasant enough as squares go but I can't help but think it could do with livening up. Happily I think I've found just the plan.

Those wacky fundaloons at Islam4UK have taken a break from shouting at servicemen and annoying folk to cast their disapproving eyes over Trafalgar Square. Thankfully they've come up with something more constructive than shouting at it and have rather thoughtfully put together a plan to make it more Islamic. When I say Islamic, try and think of a more peyote influenced version than what you may be used to. Anyway without further ado here are the changes.

Firstly that 'notorious fornicator' Nelson has to go. Unfortunately for poor old Nelson 'under the Shari'ah, the construction and elevation of statues or idols is prohibited, and consequently, the statue of Admiral Horatio Nelson would be removed and demolished without hesitation'. Now don't all start moaning about 'bloody Muslims' conspiring to make us all gawp at a big boring column with nothing on top as if this is some mad half baked scheme. Obviously Nelson will be replaced. With an Islamic clock. I must confess I'm not exactly sure what an Islamic clock is but I feel certain one designed by the lads at Islam4UK will have us all turning our watches back 500 years or so.

Perhaps most exciting of all are their plans for the lions. At first I was outraged, I like the lions and wanted to keep them but like Nelson they're statues so need to be demolished without hesitation. The lions won't go to waste, instead they'll be melted down 'and its bronze composition utilized, possibly in artillery as a defensive measure against any impending attack from outside forces, such as France'. No way would the French mess with us if we had bronze cannons! Take that France!

The lions will then be replaced by 'pots of gold coins....., so as to provide all members of the public with the opportunity to freely take money and fulfil any need that they might have'.
Now does that not sound a much better way of distributing welfare than having people queueing up in the post office? It's a wonderful idea. I mean it would be much easier for everyone if instead of boring benefit forms the government just left a big pile of gold coins in Trafalgar Square and the needy could just help themselves to their fair share. Obviously the pot will need topping up from time to time, once everyone has taken their fair share but Islam4UK ,unlike some some duck house, flipping crooks I could mention, are quite clear that they won't be wasting public money on useless ornaments so the pots will never be empty. Not of course that anyone will need to take so much as a single coin from the pots because 'the divine justice meted out by the Shari'ah'
will ensure all our needs are met! Hurrah!

If I may offer the fellows at Islam4UK a bit of well meant friendly criticism I just don't think they're being ambitious enough. What's the use in having a lovely Islam compliant square if we're all going up the road to unIslamic houses? To that end I propose that the lads get their own Islamic home makeover TV show. It'd be a smash! Just imagine Anjem Choudray wafting about in leather breeks like Lawerence Llewelyn-Bowen, stenciling the entire Qur'an over MDF panelling, pausing only to call 'Handy Andy' a grunting infidel oik before beating him with a book of fabric samples. TV gold.

Please click on the link at the top of the post to see the plans. They're priceless and yes there are pictures.

Cheerio

Let's Hope Jan Moir Dies Fucking a Goat.

2009-10-16T17:52:00.006+01:00

Hello,
What drugs is Jan Moir on? Has a tragic accident in the kitchen caused a logic bypass? What on earth had poor Stephen Gately ever done to anyone?

As you may be aware Stephen Gately from Boyzone died rather unexpectedly last weekend in Majorca. Given his youth and the sudden nature of his death a postmortem was carried out which found his death was from natural causes. In addition the police investigated presumably to establish what happened on the evening leading up to his death and to rule out anything more sinister than a tragic premature and sudden death.

Despite having no evidence or expertise in investigating deaths, Jan Moir has decided that the coroner got it wrong and Mr Gately died because he was gay. I can only assume that Jan's first draft entitled 'The Filthy Queer Had it Coming' proved too much even for The Daily Mail. Consequently the repulsive, fat bitch had to haul her big, lardy, arse back to her keyboard and find some justification for rejoicing over the barely cold corpse of a dead man in his early thirties.

I'm afraid Jan doesn't do very well. She gives us an account of the the known events of the evening and implies that these must be the real cause of death despite all the evidence pointing towards natural causes. In any case even if he'd died of exhaustion following a record breaking horse orgy his death would still be sad, what with him being a fairly pleasant young man with friends and relatives who loved him.

Incidentally if Jan Moir really feels so strongly about death resulting risky lifestyles she would be better seeking help for her most obvious problem - lack of appetite control and exercise. Her byline photo shows that she is not merely overweight but morbidly obese. It's hypocritical to go pointing fingers at dead gays for what she feels were their dangerous, sleazy lifestyles when she is very likely to die prematurely as a result of her excessive consumption of food. Judge not lest ye be judged porky! That's just some of those Christian values the Mail are so fond of but never get round to practicing.

Still not content with dancing on Stephen Gately's grave Kevin McGee, the ex partner of Matt Lucas is dragged into it. Kevin McGee killed himself. Stephen Gately died of natural causes but they were both gay and in civil partnerships so in Jan's mind there must be a link. According to Moir their completely unrelated and the entirely different circumstances of their deaths 'strike another blow to the myth of happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships'.

I must say I had no idea there was any such myth. It must be news to the government as well because there are procedures in place for ending such partnerships. It's almost as if it's expected that some partnerships will succeed and some will fail. I expect that's why the few folk I know who are in one gave it a bit thought before taking the plunge.

Quite how two deaths prove anything about homosexuality or civil partnerships is not made clear but I'm sure Jan knows what she's talking about. After all she can prove a coroner is wrong simply by disapproving of the corpses lifestyle. Fuck me, fatty is a genius. This brings me to some troubling news for married hetrosexuals. Neil Ellerbeck was recently jailed for killing his wife, not only that a married woman was locked up a few weeks back for fiddling with kids and I think we can all think of someone we know who has been divorced. Now if you completely ignore all the happy and successful marriages out there I think you'll agree the above cases all demolish the case of marriage.

The headline of Moir's article is quite peculiar. I can't see anything strange, lonely or troubling about Gately's death. He died in his sleep after what sounds to me like a good night out. The only troubling aspect of his death was that he was so young. Then again I rather like the idea of folk being happy and enjoying themselves whereas Moir seeks to cheer herself up in between snacks by dragging everyone else down. I can only assume it took a crowbar or the miracle of photoshop to get her smiling like an ageing hooker in her byline snap rather than displaying her usual cats arse of a mouth.

It's ironic that Stephen Gately stayed in the closet for the early part of his career for fear of public reaction to his sexuality, only to come out and find reactions ranged from supportive to indifferent. I took that as a sign we might have moved on a bit. And indeed we have. Shame Moir's idea of progress is waiting until gays are dead before launching nasty, unwarranted, small minded poisonous attacks on them.

Cheerio

It's like a very strange dream

2009-10-08T22:32:00.006+01:00

Hello,
I was pootling about the internet when I stumbled across this old rant by and I regret to inform you, I'm not joking, my brother's favourite comedian, Jim Davidson. Today's strut across the plains of the internet has been like a very strange dream. First up I got an email calling me a 'murderous Jew cunt' for no discernible reason and which murderous cunt aside lacks accuracy. Then I saw this , then this before finally encountering the full loopiness of Davidson. I really wonder if I have woken up in some sort of parallel universe.

It seems that Mr Davidson is unhappy with the level of crime in Britain, a fair enough point and a fairly mainstream view. However he then goes on to inform us that the situation is much better in Dubai in a manner which suggests that he'd like a bit of the same here. In other words it would appear that Jim Davidson has written an open letter to our Home Secretary requesting the introduction of Sharia law in Britain. Oh my sainted aunt.

As resorts go Dubai is hardly Club Tropicana. This website reckons it's the 'dream holiday place' which it might well be if you're a lunatic puritan but frankly it sounds rubbish. For a start you can't even shag a chap unless you're married to him! Worse still you can't even be alone with a chap, even for an innocent chat if you're not related. Freaks! Their drug laws are barking mad, even more so than our state sponsored overreaction. Look what happened to these poor folk. They also take a dim view of miscarriages.

Still we must remember that Mr Davidson has been a victim of crime in the UK himself despite having 'a personal security team' comprised of 'ex-Hereford hooligans' which isn't rewarding crime at all is it? Anyway as I was saying Jim did have some bother with the UK crime last time he was over here.

According to Davidson there was a man on his face and he needed a copper to tell the man to wind his neck in. I know, I know, it could only happen to Davidson! He's mad! No, honestly I really do think he's mentally disturbed. What other explanation can there be? When the police told him he'd need to come to the station and make a complaint he told them and this bit beggars belief, that he'd get his ex-hooligans to deal with it instead. What sort of idiot phones the police and tells them they are about to pay their staff to assault someone? Jesus wept. Naturally the police threatened to prosecute him. That does tend to happen if you phone them up and tell them you are about to commit a crime even if it's in retaliation.

In any case if I were the police I'd take any report of a crime from Davidson with a pinch of salt. Not solely from malevolence but because he has something of a tendency to overreact. Look at how he responds to finding himself in the same room as someone with comic timing.

Cheerio

You Can't Tax Me, I'm Special.

2009-10-06T22:50:00.006+01:00

Hello,
Good God, I see Tracey Emin is pulling a Phil Collins and threatening to leave the country for tax purposes. Well don't let the door bang your arse on the way out, dear. I know it's always argued that if you say anything snide about someone rich moaning about tax it's because one is jealous and has posters of Arthur Scargill on the wall. I can't speak for anyone else because in order to do so I'd have to make the effort to find out what they think and I can't be bothered. It won't be interesting. So instead I shall speak for myself. I'm not jealous of her wealth because the only reason she's richer than me is that I haven't found a lucrative racket as yet but I'm confident I will at some stage between now and the grave. I pity her being such a tightwad. I try to avoid complaining about tax in case people think I'm poor. I have my pride.

I also pity her for being such a thicko about the whole tax thing. First she complains that she's going to be charged so much tax she'll be forced to go and live in France. Of course on the face of it 40% income tax seems quite attractive in comparison to 50% but it fails to take into account VAT of 19.6%, bank interest charged at 18%, 8% 'Social Charges', Social Security charges of anything from 13% to 22%, optional health care charges of 8% and not one but two local taxes. If I were averse to taxation the last place on earth I'd be going is France.

Furthermore if I were averse to taxation I wouldn't be whining that the French subsidise more artists than we do. Oh and if I had made myself rich through art I might refrain from gurning about the lack of government subsidy for art in the UK when I'm not willing to pay for it. She's done alright off tax payers money and I suspect would be the first to through a blue fit if we all started demanding value for our money. I mean, I thought our Trace was quite the hoot when I thought Saatchi was paying for it, had I known we were in on the whip round I'd have taken a sterner view.

Quite frankly it speaks volumes that her main objections to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq is the cost. It's also telling that she reckons the Olympics are a waste of money. Taxpayers generosity it seems should not extend to any industry Tracey doesn't benefit from personally. It may surprise Tracey to learn that the world, let alone the UK tax system is not there for her sole benefit. Truly taxes are for the little people. I'm quite sure France is similarly indifferent to Emin's financial situation, unless of course we are on the cusp of an episode even more horrifying than the French revolution.

Cheerio

A Plea for Mercy.

2009-10-04T21:43:00.004+01:00

Hello,
Something has been troubling me for a while now. First some background. I can be quite sensitive about certain things. Well that's what they tell me, I believe I just have higher standards than most other people but whatever, I have been known to attract derisive laughter when I explain what's troubling me. Make of that what you will.

I came off the happy pills a while back and a few initial wobbles aside it's gone quite well until now. I can be walking along the street quite happily when it -the awful thing assaults my poor eyes. A visual rape I am powerless to defend my goggles against. My human rights are being abused.

It's the new Celtic away strip. Why would they do something like this to innocent people? I like Celtic, admittedly only because they're from Glasgow and the alternatives are unspeakable. Also someone told me that Celtic keep all their money in a biscuit tin like a pensioner that doesn't trust banks which I think is rather wonderful. But none of this alters the fact that they have committed a crime against humanity. For God's sake look at the wretched thing! It's the sportswear version of Medusa. Don't look into it's hoops! You'll end up like Lot's wife or worse.

If it were only worn by Celtic players that would be tolerable as it would only be seen by consenting adults and children with appropriate adult supervision. That isn't what's happening though. Almost everyone in Glasgow is wearing the garment of aesthetic evil. Despite it's obvious ugliness it's a hard thing to look away from. Like a road accident or a decomposing set of Siamese twins. Only worse.

Women are wearing it. Fat people are wearing it. Creatures that look like they come from the Gallowgate are wearing it. Dear Lord I wouldn't raise an eyebrow if huns were wearing it. As I was saying to Mr Clairwil last night there is a very real chance that Celtic's bad style choices are going to put me under the doctor again. Fond as I am of Dr Lindsay and our little chats I prefer to run my own show.

I'm trying to stay strong but this abomination unto the Lord God has to stop. Surely some moderate Celtic fans could make their voices heard and make this visual hell stop. Failing that I could ask some of my mates from the knitting scene to rustle up an acceptable alternative. Either way someone has to act.

Cheerio

No More Heroes

2009-09-23T21:42:00.002+01:00

Hello,
In a week that saw the Sugababes become pop's very own version of Trigger's broom I have decided to turn my attention to the increasingly dull world of music. I know everyone complains about music as they get older but I've been sat next to the office radio all day which I am convinced must violate one of my more important human rights. At least folk in previous generations had the luxury of saying 'it's just noise', 'it all sounds the same' and 'is that a man or a women?'. What questions does the modern download chart raise? 'Have they started yet?', 'Are they only doing music because they couldn't get jobs in insurance?' and 'Do you reckon he wets the bed?'. Bloody awful. Apart from the bits I don't mind.

I've wandered. What I am meandering towards is this peculiar tantrum by Everett True. He seems like a nice man but many years ago when I was a teenager he was obsessed with Kurt Cobain and wrote about him all day long in some now defunct music paper. It was quite sweet in it's way. I only mention it because the years do not seem to have dimmed his passion for the late Mr Cobain.

As far as I can make out Mr True is in an awful strop because one can footer with the settings on Guitar Hero and make Kurt mime along to songs by Bon Jovi and Bush. This is a very bad thing because it involves associating the image of someone who has a degree of credibility with some people who have less credibility. You see unlike Bon Jovi or Bush, Nirvana never sold out by making commercial music, signing to a major record label or altered their record sleeves and song titles in order to comply with the wishes of Walmart. Oh no! Unlike Gwen Stefani's husband out of Bush of Jon Bon Jovi out of Bon Jovi, Kurt Cobain didn't ruthlessly pursue a major record deal then pretend to be all conflicted and upset about it like it was an airborne virus rather than the result of years of graft.

Oh wait. I think I've got that wrong haven't I? In fact if anything I think if anything the openly careerist Mr Bon Jovi and Mr Gwen Stefani's Husband should be up in arms at having their music associated with such an out and out phony. Of course in reality they'll be delighted at being mentioned in the same breath as the musically superior Nirvana.

I'm sure someone somewhere idolises Jon Bon Jovi but is it really any more absurd than idolising Kurt Cobain? Unless of course one admires Mr Cobain as a man with a good sales pitch or for breathtaking hypocrisy. In which case he wins hands down. That said I suppose one should regard anything that stops the easily impressed admiring John Lennon as a good thing. For all his faults Mr Cobain comes nowhere near the sheer horror of that self-indulgent shit for brains.

I should stress at this point that I couldn't give a fuck about people signing to major record labels. I never did. I'm quite delighted to see musicians making a bob or two. It's wanting it but not having the balls to tell all the sneery, whiny losers where to ram their jealousy dressed up as morality that rips my knitting. There's fuck all wrong with success, having money is a fucking treat. If Cobain had really been that upset by his success in life he'd have given the money to the cat and dog home and refused to record another note for his label. Instead he shot himself because he was just your common or garden nutter. There but for citalopram go I. Having sympathy for the man and his illness is fine but admiring him for it is absurd. One might as well admire my pal at work for her 'Duke of Argylls' or me for having a toenail infection.

If I were Mr True I'd leaf to the end of 'The Boy Looked at Johnny' read the following and recite it at regular intervals in the hope it sinks in.

'Anyhow God Save Rock and Roll... it made you a consumer, a potential Moron.....

ITS ONLY ROCK AND ROLL AND ITS PLASTIC, YES IT IS!!!!!'

Cheerio

Brilliant More Arseholes!

2009-09-20T20:49:00.005+01:00

Hello,
Good Lord as if we didn't have enough anti-social beer monsters cluttering up the place and getting on everyone's wick I am informed that we in Glasgow (why us?) are due a visit from the English Defence League in November. Wow! I can just see that bringing all colours and creeds together in a rousing round of 'Roll Out the Barrel'.

Apparently they pop up wherever they feel Islamic extremism is eroding their way of life. Bloody hell 'feel' , have they all been watching Oprah or something? I strongly suspect the only thing they feel is the urge to clobber some unpopular minority judging from their recent conduct. Quite how the Muslim extremists of Glasgow have managed to erode the English way of life has not been explained. More to the point whilst there are Muslims in Glasgow with some very dodgy ideas about this world and the next, they are in my experience a minority.

A minority that I have to say don't erode my way of life at all. Other than in airports, which in fairness were disgusting to begin with. Horrid places. Stand up, sit down, wait to be called get in line, stupid questions and festooned all over with little swastikas barking at you not to smoke, mind the hot tap, stand to the left, stand to the right and declare your nuclear bombs all the while minding the slippy floor. As far as I can tell all the mentalist wing of Islam has added to that horror is causing a flap about shoes and liquids at customs.

Anyway as I say the EDL 'feel' that their English way of life is being eroded. Not by their complete lack of interest in anything approaching English culture, unless looking like Phil Mitchell with foetal alcohol syndrome counts as uniquely English, but by the Muslims. This is a puzzle to me. I asked my brother who has been living in England for the last decade or so what it was the Muslims were preventing the English from doing and he was similarly baffled. Perhaps the Muslim influence hasn't reached London yet.

Still the question remains how does one deal with a visit from a group so odious even the leadership of the repellent BNP want nothing to do with them, not that it deters the lower ranking scum from dual membership. The previous tactic seems to have been to bellow at them and meet violence with violence. It is both tempting and understandable to feel violent when faced with sub normal baldy aggro merchants which is why I shall be unsurprised but very disappointed if so much as eyebrow is raised at them.

Instead I'm proposing a mass peaceful 'British In' to disrupt the fuckers. Essentially it's a mass fancy dress with a bit of optional role playing. To take part all one has to do is dress up as any character from British/Scottish history or literature and refuse to move out the way of their stomp or respond to anything they do. Ideally it would be women only but one hates to deter the chaps from protesting against wankers so I'm willing to allow the chaps on board.

The reason I'd prefer a women only protest is simply because of how awful they'll look threatening and beating up a load of women. Still needs must so let's imagine how absurd an English Defence League would look kicking St George's head in or their bastard offspring The Scottish Defence League would seem kicking fuck out of William Wallace. Whoever one dresses up as doesn't have to be one's personal hero or heroine just someone the morons cannot wallop without looking like utter fools and of course the thugs they are. Come on imagine an Asian Muslim Winston Churchill making their heads explode. It'd be the all time hoot. I'm either going as the Queen, Britannia or Robert Burns -it depends on my thighs at the time. Burns wore awfully tight breeches. The naughty fox.

I don't normally go around organising things like this but I'm not having good weegie Muslims monstered in this fashion or this whole debacle descend into a fight. That said we can't just ignore it as they'll only get bigger and worse until it's too late to be anything other than violent.
If we can keep this entirely peaceful on our side we'll win. The moral high ground is ours for the taking. It might just be my cynical mind but an organisation made up of football hooligans wants a fight. I see no reason for divisive violence merchants to be handed what they want.

That's my party piece. Anyone who wants to join me on a counter demonstration can email me for further details.

Cheerio

All I Wanted Was A Flippant Post ......

2009-09-13T22:57:00.006+01:00

Hello,
Normally I write things and people agree which is dull as fucking ditchwater. So I'm pleased to announce that I've miffed someone but instead of bombarding me with mad emails they've left a comment. My intention was to reply in the box but my answer got too big. That doesn't mean it's clever but I've done my best(ish) and that's all the Lord can ask of any of us.

This 'racist Israel' and 'Apartheid state' stuff rips my knitting. Being a minority in any country sucks. Laws, institutions and the mainstream culture is usually geared towards the majority or rather those in power because I've yet to see a nation set up to benefit women despite our numerical advantage. Arabs within Israel have equal voting rights, Arabic is an official language,they have political representation. As far as I can tell the sole legal distinction between Arabs and the Jewish majority is that Arabs are exempt from national service.

That doesn't mean that Israeli Arabs don't face appalling discrimination. Just like our anti racism laws don't alter the fact I'm currently assisting a young Pakistani girl get rehoused as a result of her neighbours charming habits like stabbing her, setting fire to her front door, putting excrement through the letterbox and festooning the landing with swastikas. Nor do our laws the alter the fact that the police cannot get their heads out their arses for long enough to go wild and arrest someone or give a fuck. Does that make Scotland racist or an apartheid state?

Enshrining equality in law doesn't sound like racism or apartheid to me. I'd be entirely unsurprised to learn that Israel failed to live up tothe standards it sets in law, after all segregation ended in the USA some time ago but you'll still find the various ethnic groups living separate lives. Nothing can make racism acceptable so if there is a legal fund one can donate to which assists Arabs hold the Israeli authorities to account for any instance of discrimination then put me down for a regular donation.

As for Israel not wanting a settlement. Their rejection of the Arab plan hardly proves that. Unless of course you are arguing that the Palestinian rejection of the 2000 Camp David plan proves that the Palestinians do not want a settlement which I don't think you are. In addition to Israel recognising borders I'd like to see the Arab nations do so, not only to ameliorate the suffering in cramped Palestine but to pressure the Israelis into reciprocation. Not being a resident I don't have a horse in this race and would support any map that didn't cut through my flat and had the support of the majority on both sides.

I have no doubt the Israeli government commits war crimes. Britain certainly did in Northern Ireland and more recently Iraq. Are we to boycott every nation that commits war crimes? If so, dig tunnels and store grain because you're in for lean times. I can also recommend a subscription to 'Grow Your Own' magazine.

I think the boycott of Israel is very different indeed to the boycott of South Africa. Let me declare upfront that I'm very uncomfortable about completely boycotting nations, selective boycotts I'm a little more open to. I did boycott South African goods during apartheid. At that time as a staunch ANC supporter I would have accepted anything the ANC said. Maybe no bad thing but I was also a staunch and uncritical supporter of the Provisional IRA at the time, so you can assess my judgement accordingly.

What I will say is that I remember the 'Boycott South Africa' folk outside my local supermarket. They used to hand you a leaflet listing products they wanted you to boycott rather than request you boycott an entire chain for selling products from a country that all it's competitors were selling. Why should I boycott Tesco but not Sainsburys? Both sell Israeli products. What's the difference? I did ask the fellow I know in the campaign the very same question and sincerely hope the answer he gave does reflect the prejudices of the entire movement he's part of.

However let's compare the two boycotts. In boycotting South Africa, whilst harming the meagre economic interests of black workers we were doing far more harm to minority white rule. In boycotting South Africa we were upholding democratic principles in that we backed the majority. In boycotting Israel we undemocratically boycott the majority of that nation which I believe would have the effect of uniting the Israelis behind their government. I only think how I felt at the prospect of an American boycott at the release of Megrahi. Even if I'd opposed it I'd have resented the outside interference and got behind my government. Back to Israel, 'Kauft nicht bei Juden!' just might have a wee bit of resonance in that neck of the woods. Is that more likely to bring Israel to the negotiating table or have them use it as a barricade?

In any case America has deep pockets and could probably afford to slip the middle east's only friendly democracy a quid or two on top of the usual. Now if a boycott of the illegal settlements was proposed I'd be all for it. But that isnt what is being proposed is it?

The idea that I was being anything other than silly and flippant in my mild irritation at not getting an Irn Bru is quite offensive. In particular when it's used to imply I feel that my passing fancies are more important than the lives of people or children. Palestinian, Jewish or whatever.

I'm sorry but I find comparisons between Israel and Nazi Germany downright offensive. There's a whole lot injustice to go before you get to holocaust. When the Israelis propose the 'final solution' and start loading folk onto trains I'll start screaming holocaust but until then I'll just see a nation with a heavy handed defence policy that does itself no favours.

Quite apart from anything else I'd like to see evidence that Israel is the nation with the worst human rights record at present. For some reason no one can show me that. I seem to remember opposing the Iraq war and being (rightly) told that we can't invade every nation with a dodgy human rights record.

A quick strut though any supermarket will show you how hard it is to boycott nations and eat an adequate diet. So why is Israel top of the list? Is it the world's No1 human rights abuser? If not why are we not boycotting the other chart toppers?

Cheerio

All I Wanted Was An Irn Bru

2009-09-11T22:51:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I was skipping along Stockwell Street earlier today full of the joys of late summer/early autumn when I had a sudden craving for some Irn Bru. Realising I needed a few other messages I nipped over to the nearest shop; my local Tesco. Only to be thwarted. All I wanted was my messages.

This is the second time this has happened. The bloody 'Boycott Israel' folk were out protesting. Normally I'd just swan by such a minor inconvenience but I know one of them and could not be arsed having to explain myself over the whole Israel/Palestine business. He's always been pleasant to me but he was very unpleasant to a Muslim friend of mine who is rather more sympathetic to Israel than he felt she should be given her background.

I have had never had a conversation with anyone pro-Palestinian over the big ding dong without being subjected to amazing facts like Israel was founded after the second world war and then a forty minute whine about how they got the location all wrong. What is it they want me to do? Perfect the art of time travel and put it somewhere else? No. Boycott Tesco apparently. Jesus wept.

It's not that I don't feel sorry for the Palestinians. I do. Poor sods stuck behind that wall and 80% of your supporters worldwide being a shower of hectoring cunts . It can't be easy. How the Palestinians hearts must sink to the ground when they hear about all the support that's out there for them and realise it comes from the world's most po faced and argumentative dullards with wallpapering tables. Palestine -the unlucky Alf of oppressed nations.

Anyway back to me I avoided Tesco and nipped into Marks and Spencer instead. It was only when I got home I realised the coriander I'd purchased on a whim was Israeli. Had the Boycott Israel types let me into the wee Tesco I'd never have laid eyes on anything as exotic as fresh herbs. Instead I'd have got my Scottish Irn Bru, a British paper, a bottle of Chilean wine and skipped off up the road with not a penny going to Israel.

Not I hasten to add that I have the smallest intention of boycotting Israel. If I thought it would bring about a solution to the dispute I'd be manning the wallpaper table and roaring for a boycott. Sorry call me an evil zionist but I can't see the merit in economically ruining a country surrounded by nations that want to wipe it off the map for having a heavy handed and counterproductive defence policy.

I don't remember anyone calling for a mass boycott of British goods during the troubles in protest at our often disgraceful behaviour on that contested bit of land. Nor do I see any calls to boycott The Czech Republic for it's treatment of the Roma people or Saudi Arabia for their treatment of women and Shia Muslims or Sudan for their treatment of women or Afghanistan for their treatment of women or Turkey for it's corrupt police force and treatment of the Kurds or Japan for executing mentally ill criminals or Tunisia for torture or Uzbekistan for human rights abuses or Zimbabwe for everything or....well I could go on but I won't so feel free to add your own.

Cheerio

He's Back

2009-09-07T21:52:00.002+01:00

Hello,
Mike Read is back at The Guardian! What do you mean who? The legendary broadcaster, author and producer of a truly remarkable musical of the life of Oscar Wilde and perhaps most noble of all the man who put London first by stepping aside to make way for Boris.

I am sure I speak for all Mike's fans or crews as we prefer to be known when I say welcome back Mike!

Cheerio

All Hail Lubna 'whip me if you dare' Hussein

2009-09-04T21:52:00.004+01:00

Hello,

I'm not one of these proud to be a woman types. Not because there's anything wrong with being female but it's not something I had an awful lot to do with. To be proud of it would be like being proud of having big feet, it's just how I was born. I'm happy enough with that, although key moments of my life have been ruined for lack of a penis. Ideally I'd like to be able to switch genders at will but nature is not known for her generosity on the gender front. That said every so often a woman does something so heroic, courageous and downright brilliant that one does get the urge to strut around saying 'that's one of my lot' and basking in a bit of reflected glory. What can I say I'm a awful glory seeker.

I am referring to the brave and defiant Ms Lubna Hussein who has been sentenced to forty lashes by the savages that run Sudan for wearing trousers. What makes this woman so remarkable and sets her apart from most of the rest of us is that as an employee of the UN she was offered immunity by the Sundanese authorities. Instead of grabbing this opportunity with both hands she resigned from the UN in order to take the punishment and use her case to highlight the despicable behaviour of these sexually inadequate brutes.

Funnily enough these upstanding moral guardians are notoriously dishonest and regularly demand sexual favours from the women they arrest. You might feel a sliver of pity for these repellent chaps for being unable to get laid without using force but I'm inclined to repress that and send that portion of the pity ration to someone more deserving like Donald Trump. At least the thieving, lying, raping morality police get to feel good about themselves. In contrast Trump must sob himself to sleep thinking about that hair.

Whilst I would indulge in a cheeky lady chuckle if the world's women formed an army, invaded Sudan and strung every last member of their government up, the prospect is quite unlikely. Instead I have sent a letter, well more a miracle of restraint of to the Sudanese Embassy asking if they wouldn't mind giving the lashes a miss. Obviously what I wanted to write was 'would you wretched pigs do the world a favour and kill yourselves' but it's not terribly persuasive is it? The small penis jibes and wicked curses also hit the cutting room floor as did the threats to set fire to the ambassadors testicles and steal his Ferrero Rocher. Still it's hard to appeal to the better side of people who are so uniformly fucking awful, so it was a very short letter.

If anyone else is as eye poppingly angry about this as I am please write a polite letter to the Sudanese Embassy at 3 Cleveland Row, London, SW1A 1DD. For the sort of people who turn up on Reporting Scotland vox pops if you could put about one hundredth of the energy into supporting Ms Hussein as you do into worrying just how vast your arse looks in trousers and get an adult to help you with a letter to the Sudanese Embassy you might be able to point to at least one useful thing you've done in your pointless bovine life. There is also a petition to sign here.

Cheerio

The Wit and Wisdom of Blanche

2009-09-02T21:32:00.000+01:00

The Axis of Evil

2009-08-25T22:50:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I must admit when I voted for devolution all those years ago I didn't imagine for a moment we'd go and use our powers to join the axis of evil. I am of course referring to the release of Mr Megrahi which seems to have sent a small but noisy portion of the internet mad.

The Guardian comments have been particularly splendid if you enjoy net based lunacy as much as I do. What everyone seems to have overlooked is that if the UK and US governments really wanted Megrahi to remain in prison, he'd still be there. Bazza and Clinton are just sounding off to appease the 45 American's who've noticed the story and Brown agrees with the decision but can't admit it because the SNP made it and any case it won't have done trade relations with our new chum Libya any harm. Sorry you can trumpet separate legal system all you like but if anything major had been riding on this decision Scotland would have got nowhere near it.

That's why no real pressure was put on the SNP to make a decision one way or another. Oh come on Hilary Clinton doing her burst paypacket face at us doesn't count -even her husband doesn't take any notice of her unless of course she's been telling him to shag everything in his path and get caught all these years.

As for the boycott I find it hard to convey just how much amusement that's caused me. For a start it's led by a member of The Church of Satan and appears to have inspired boycotts of Guinness and Jameson's whiskey by as many as ten internet trolls. They'll be burning U2 albums next.

Still who'd have thought our decimated manufacturing base would one day prove to such an asset. Christ almighty is there anything left to boycott? I'm not sure how I feel about us having angered the Church of Satan. I suppose I'm just relieved it wasn't some really mental pretendy religion like Scientology. The last thing my nerves need Tom Cruise in a strop plotting in his closet. The mad practicing thetan!

I'm a bit suspicious at the appeal being dropped and look forward to the promised release of all the documents relating to the decision to release Megrahi. All in all I think it was the right decision and I hope it was made for the right reasons, though with so much left to come out I won't be having a flutter on that any time soon. That said I'm a bit baffled by the argument that MacAskill took the decision to show Scotland's independence by annoying Westminster whilst doing what Westminster wanted in order to secure some oil deal. Surely it's one or the other. If it is 'willy waving' as some have alleged I cannot help but think he'd have been better getting his cock out and giving it a wave. There would have been less of an uproar.

One also wonders if the opposition are being so blatantly crap on purpose. Has Salmond bribed them or are they really that hopeless? Hardly a peep out them while the decision was under consideration, then all of a sudden they're outraged. Am I being cynical? Is anyone buying this? If I were in charge of the SNP I'd just pinch policies from the opposition forcing them to adopt the original SNP position and by the time any of them realised they'd been hoodwinked the legislation would be passed.

I think by far the best bit of the opposition 'savaging' was Iain Gray informing us that he would have made a different decision if he were Justice minister. Thanks for that Iain. As if anyone would believe that was actually in charge of anything. They probably ID him every time he turns up at Holyrood. He's the sort of man automatic doors fail to open for. It beggars belief that he's in charge of the Scottish Labour Party surely they can't be so stuck for a leader they've dispensed with the idea altogether and opted to follow a hole in the air. So unremarkable is he I'm convinced he doesn't exist, I reckon it's just one of the bank benchers throwing their voice. From Westminster.

Anyway I must dash I've got to build my defences against all those terminally ill suicide bombers who'll be flocking to Scotland because they'll get posthumous compassionate release and 72 virgins. And to think folk say we're mean!

Cheerio

The North Kelvin Meadow

2009-08-16T21:04:00.005+01:00

Hello,
The good folk of The North Kelvin Meadow need your help. For the last year or so they've been transforming local wasteground from an overgrown haven for junkies, neds and flytippers into a brilliant and much needed community garden.

Unfortunately for this truly remarkable band of volunteers, the council had ear marked the land for private flats. Personally I don't quite understand this desire the council has to build yuppie flats everywhere but then I'm the sort of thicko that thinks people and communities are more important than private profit which no doubt my dribbling band of occaisonal emailers will inform me is typical of my stalinist p.c outlook. Though quite why I'd want to replace a system which subordinates the majority to the whims of private profit for one that subordinates them to ideology and one party state corruption has never been explained in these charming messages.

Anyway to return to the point, the good folk of the Kelvin meadow are due to appear in court on 21/08/09 and need folk to fill the public gallery to overflowing. The case reference is A2833/09 and the address for the Sheriff Court is: 1 Carlton Place, Glasgow G2 1DU. In other words it's the court in the Gorbals. I shall do my best to pop in on my lunchbreak as I'll be in that neck of the woods. I hope to see a few familiar faces.

I honestly can't see the need for any more flats in the West End, maybe some family housing but frankly the amount of horrible neglected, brownfield land in the East End is the obvious place to build. I must admit I'm very disappointed that the council are taking this heavy handed attitude to the gardeners on the meadow, given how helpful recent contact with them suggests they are to our activities.

Whilst I do not accept these flats must be built at the very least the council should be engaging with NKM in a positive way. If that land really cannot be used to benefit the whole community, then surely they could find them an alternative garden to tend. Court action, calling them tresspassers and treating them like criminals is not a proprtionate response by any stretch.

In my working day I breeze through the poorest bits of Glasgow. Contrary to popular belief the majority of residents are decent folk but very often are left living in fear because of the anti-social conduct of their neighbours. Yet for some reason nothing can be done about fly tipping, vandalism, assaults, breaches of the peace and the like.

We as a city need more people like NKM not less and it is a real shame the council are taking such a hard line with them. As far as I can tell they seem like good community spirited people, if the council in this case really feel flats are the best use of this space, better than a garden that helps build a strong community then shouldn't we have the debate rather than strong arm tactics? Shouldn't the council be trying to channel their energies where they can be better used rather than treating them like common criminals. Do the council not see that heavy handed actions like this stifle local initiative when that's the very bloody thing we need in this city?

I have always had a lot of time for council staff. Oh I know the council do their very best to conceal them but there are some marvels in there. This leads me to wonder if this is just being driven by a local councillor who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing in cahoots with a few of the less imaginative council officers. This Labour notion that everything that doesn't turn a profit is evil needs to stop. Maybe if the council let well orgainised communities get on with what they are doing we'd be able to do more to help out the genuinely helpless in our city.

Cheers

Wooly bully

2009-08-14T22:03:00.002+01:00

Record of the week. As I wasn't invented until 1975 it's hardly my fault I missed it on it's first outing.

Filament

2009-08-13T21:54:00.006+01:00

Hello,
I see that the path previously trodden by 'Playgirl' and 'For Women' is being trod once again by 'Filament' . As ever erections are proving a problem being considered obscene in 'erotica' aimed at women rather than porn aimed at men which as far as I can tell appears to be full of whoppers.

The folk at 'Filament' are of course protesting this state of affairs. The deal is that if enough folk buy issue one, issue two will feature a proud an erect boaby rather than a boring flaccid fellow. As marketing strategies go it's not bad but it's hard to care one way or the other.

For a start it's an 'erotic' magazine. I hate erotica, it's the visual equivalent of those drips that used to hang round the school bully in the hope some of his menace would rub off. Why in God's name would any sentient being want to look at a Timotei advert with stiffies? It's dull. Worse still it appears to have been based around the findings of focus groups. Sweet Lord -consensus erotica! At least consensus porn might have a whiff of the gang bang about it but erotica is just a man thinking about having a wank photographed through a doily.

All any consensus is going to add to the erotica is a few articles for the sort monsterous muppet that says 'us girls' as if we'd elected her as minister for wacky fun or worse responsible articles about womens health accompanied by a ten question quiz entitled 'What cancer will YOU die of tit, womb or ovary?'. Maybe both -surely that will herald the apocalpyse and end this comfortable misery.

There are times that being a women is like supporting one of those football teams that hover around the top of their division/league/bore or whatever the sponsors call them nowadays. One receives sufficient signs of imminent triumph to prevent a self inflicted fatal adventure with a gun but defeat is snatched from the jaws of glory at every opportunity.

The launch of a new erotic magazine for ladies always brings despair. It doesn't have to be this way. In essence sextainment or ladies should be funny in which case a magazine that looks like a selection of stag night photos with a earnest male stripper or two here and there will suffice.

Or ideally it should be perfectly obscene. Photograph vast orgies, winking goats, show man on man on woman on woman, a mixture, cross dressing, fetish, burelesque, strippers, danger wanks, paupers, princes, slaves, peepshows, hoors, lunatics, boxers, the kitchen sink, chicks with dicks, fat folk, thin folk, inbetweeners, tops, bottoms, all races, all ages, sillicone stuffed freaks, allsorts I haven't thought of -the works. Imagine a collaboration on an update of Hogarths' Beer Street and Gin Lane by Beardsley and Crumb and you'd be off to a good start.

The only thing that should be banned is any visible sign of birth control. Fuck responsibility -create a fantasy land where we all fuck like animals caring not a jot for the consequences because there are none. A touch of jaded 18th century aristocrat here and there is as close to reality as it need get. Aim for a full body and mind orgasm. The 'stories' should be well written, witty, imaginative filth, the articles devoted entirely to self indulgence, laziness and all the fun of the fair.

That is how a decent porno should be done. Now if anyone with clout wants to bankroll it I'll rule it. Failing that send me your pictures articles, stories, letters and trifles and I'll whack it all up on a special blog. I'm serious, lets all have a big daft art blog on the theme of sex.

Cheerio

Cheerio

It Was A One In A Million Chance!

2009-08-10T23:24:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I see that some fellow is in a spot of bother after his cat downloaded some child porn. That really is the modern equivalent of doing the housework nude and accidentially getting your penis stuck in the hoover.

I can't help but notice that men seem to be disproportionately affected by these somewhat unfortunate one in a million chance accidents, incidents and misunderstandings. Has any research been undertaken as to why men should be so afflicted?

I am led to believe that members of the chap community are somewhat narked with Harriet Harman at the moment. Perhaps by way of an olive branch Miss Harman in her role as equalities minister could commission some research into this to make the chaps feel cared for again. Or better still a full public inquiry to let the victims of misandrist cat pranks, potatoes, siren bikes , tables , sheep , goats , horses, shoe horns, household appliances, wetsuits, electrodes, tractors, lamp posts and cars have their voices heard in a safe and non-judgemental environment.

Now I know these things cost money and the economy, taxes, hard working familes , blah etc but I cannot help but think the time is right for the UK to lead the world in getting to the bottom of these strange incidents.

Revival-The Postcard Manifestos

2009-08-08T00:43:00.003+01:00

Hello,
Some of my very long term readers may remember my blog -The Postcard Manifestos which fell by the wayside back in 2006 when I had my 'episode'. In truth I've been off sick mentally if not physically for the last three years. More recently I've been battling withdrawl symptoms having decided to sack the anti-depressants before I ballooned any further in size. It was a one way street for me with the only shop being Evans. Not even the introduction of the Ditto range can take the edge of that misery- though ladies and the more colouful gents amongst us should know it's the best purveyour of fine junk jewellery on the high street, you should also know that they practice vanity sizing to a remarkable degree. I nearly drowned trying on an outfit in my now usual size. Honestly I thought I would end my days half in and half out that vast frock, gasping and ffinally dying a bloated exhausted wreck.

This is the first week I've felt like myself again. It's hard to explain but I don't feel like I'm watching myself on the worlds most boring telly anymore, nor do I feel the need to scoff cheese every 30 seconds. I had always wondered how big I'd get if I ate all the cheese I wanted. Now I know the answer is the national average for ladies I am filled with admiration for the women of Britain. Carrying such a monsterous weight around just about killed my back and my left ankle. I really don't know how the average woman copes -though I suspect I may have munched my way to the reason they're always at the doctors.

However I am now back at the large end of my normal weight just another dress size to go and normal appeance will be resumed. Thanks to everyone who's not shown their obvious embarrassment at being seen with family size Clairwil in public. I'm not one of these weight obsessed birds, which is just as well but really there are limits and it would be nice if mummy could look at me once in a while without evident disgust. I suspect all this is karmic retribution or inwardly sneering at a chum who went from a size 8 to a size 16 during an 'episode'.

Anyway now I've made my excuses let's get to the point. The Postcard Manifestos are back in business so let's have you're postcards telling us all why you'd like to rule the world. And while we're at it can at least one of my readers donate to the bulb fund as The Ill Man is beating me in the readers generosity stakes and it's a bit of beamer being the tightwad's blog of choice. I've already put £90 of my own cash in and will match all donations pound for pound up to a maximum of £200. Come on think of the bees.

Cheers

You Should All Be Murdered

2009-08-08T00:34:00.000+01:00

Sex, Offices and the Price-Andres

2009-08-07T21:33:00.004+01:00

Hello,
As anyone who has ever had to step into an office knows, the main challenge is to keep boredom at bay. Actually for me it's living in fear of my 'system' being wrecked by the enforcement of a 'clean desk policy' but for most staying awake long enough to get the days work done is the problem. I do recall working in an office where the larger and more excitable ladies would bounce around singing 'Stayin Awake' to the tune of 'Stayin Alive' but that was all along time ago and my friends in the NHS have been able to repair the worst of the damage.

I think this accounts for a great deal of office humour. Unfortunately this does occasionally manifest itself in grown men wearing Homer Simpson ties and being zany which I know makes some folk angry but causes me no end of amusement albeit tinged with a sneer that I'm not sure the wearers of these garments would be altogether happy with.

This week, good old sex has been the topic for chuckles and specifically the question who is your 'would but shouldn't'. A sort of a rehash of Viz's 'occasional 'Borderline Boilers' feature. For those unfamiliar with this little bit of Viz genius, I think the line 'your eyes say no but your balls say go' covers it. The question threw up some surprising answers Gerald Depardieu, Boris Johnson and Richard Madeley are assured of a quick bunk up should they choose to visit Glasgow. I'm afraid I couldn't think of an answer and was sadly beaten to the punch by a young lady who caused minor, good humoured uproar by saying 'anyone'.

It's a puzzling question, as if I or anyone who thought about it for more than two seconds is going to knock back the offer of a quick go on someone they fancy because they think everyone will laugh at them. Good God it's not as if they're being asked to do it in public. Come to think of it it's not as if the celebrity community are wandering around looking to proposition bored office workers.

It would be a hoot if they did. I rather fancy it would make an excellent TV programme 'Celebrity Sex Surprise' cue Jeremy Beadle style voiceover 'what Mary doesn't know is that when she get's home instead of her husband being there to greet her, a nude Bill Oddie will be standing in the hall with a very indecent celebrity proposal'. Obviously while this is going on Mary and her family will be in the studio audience and the camera will cut to their chuckles as the footage is shown of mummy performing an impromptu pole dance for Oddie who will turn to the camera and announce with a leer and a double thumbs up 'this is what I call birdwatching -a couple of great tits there'.

I suspect Jordan would probably up for it I can just see her droning in that flat and oddly joyless voice 'I am going to give you the ride of your life' all the while wearing a facial expression more suited to a performance of 'Is That All There Is?' than sexual ecstacy. Still you can't blame the lassie can you? Personally if I had her target market of leering sexual inadequates I'd struggle to restrain myself from poking their eyes out. Let's face it she's only faking the boredom to mask the burning contempt. I'm actually rather partial to our Miss Price and have been enjoying her torture of the hapless Mr Andre no end, there's something about his 'I'm such a nice guy' act that leads to suspect he really is and it's not a pose. How I long to shout 'grow a pair of balls doormat' at him. Why is he such a weed? What's wrong with him? I'll bet you a tenner he writes his name all in lowercase -freak. I realise he's not what you might call a thinker but surely even he can see the way he is invites contempt rather than respect. I am rather pleased they did away with national service all things considered but it's hard to look at Mr Andre and not mourn it's loss.

Cheerio

Eek! A Meme

2009-08-06T00:33:00.006+01:00

Hello,
Cartside very kindly tagged me with a meme recently which can be avoided no longer! So without further ado here are seven of my personality traits to scare off new readers and further alienate the old crowd.

1. I have a short temper and it's getting worse. It's an awful afliction. I've tried everything meditation, reading Mike Tyson biographies as a warning of where it might lead, drink, anti-depressants of various sorts, speaking to my G.P, staying indoors but to no avail. I think it's boredom to be honest. I do manage to control it, I hasten to add, it's years since I walloped anyone and months since I dished out a good old tongue lashing.

2. I cry at everything and anything. Client's tales of woe, Eastenders, blogs, politics, happy things, kittens, sad things, holidays, art galleries, books. Anything at all really. I am afraid I am very sentimental.

3. I feel very isolated and so would you if you'd only met about two people on your wavelength in the last thirty-four years.

4. I'm quite ambitious in my own way and get very, very frustrated indeed by failure.

5. I am fairly independent and really do not like to rely on other people for anything if it can be avoided. Hence my love of the good old self help book.

6. I am private to a lunatic degree about certain things. I have my life divided up nicely into compartments and live in terror of certain people in my life meeting up.

7. I like to feel I have a purpose. I like projects, schemes, wheezes and plans to the point where I feel lost without one up my sleeve. Do you? Maybe we should meet.

I shall refrain from passing on this meme instead inviting anyone who's stuck for a post to take it on.

Cheerio

Hurrah More Bureaucracy!

2009-08-05T21:08:00.005+01:00

Hello,
It takes a very special sort of mind to look at the UK benefits system and decide what it really needs is another layer of bureaucracy but isn't that just like our wonderful government? I am of course referring to the sinister remarks in their Adult Care Green Paper.

Their latest wheeze is to stop paying Attendance Allowance directly in cash to elderly disabled people but instead transfer it directly to social services who will carry out an assessment and decide what care to supply. The wording of the green paper makes continual reference to disability benefits making it very likely that the care component of Disability Living Allowance will end up being paid to social services in the same way.

This means someone like my friend's mum who receives most of her personal care from her daughter and uses her Attendance Allowance to top up her meagre pension, pay a cleaner to call in weekly and take a taxi over to her friend's house once a week will have her income reduced by £47.10 per week and be forced to rely on the 'help' available from social services. She did used to receive care from social services which involved someone sticking a ready meal in a mircrowave around tea time and occasionally remembering to put it in front of her or get her cutlery from the drawer before banging the door on their way out. If you wonder about the quality of social care, imagine a seventy-four year old woman, paralysed down her right side sitting in her living room wondering how on earth she's going to remove the film lid from her ready meal now that her 'carer' has left*. You may appreciate why they decided to struggle on without 'help' from social work -who incredibly had the nerve to charge for this 'service'.

It's obvious social services are struggling to care for the people they do have on their books, how do they intend to cope with an extra 3.82 million in England alone? No doubt this is where the government's proposed National Care Service comes in. Yes just what the country needs another government body to oversee services -well the FSA did make such a rip roaring success of overseeing the banks didn't they? Still how like the government to look at a load of disabled folk and see well paid non jobs for their chums rather than some people in need of practical help.

This proposal makes no earthly sense. It will not save money but divert money away from the poorest and most vulnerable to a new and unnecessary tier of an already vast and failing bureaucracy. It will not improve services for the elderly and severely disabled, if anything it will make them a good deal worse by denying them the opportunity to buy in their own assistance privately where state provision is inadequate. Though God help us all if they decide to incorporate 'choice' into each claimant's personal care budget, the paperwork alone that will generate is likely to create fifty new claimants a week and kill at least two people annually. Not to mention the 'do it cheapest fuck the quality' bids the private sector will submit to get on the gravy train.

Every other cash benefit is paid out on the assumption that the claimant knows how to spend it, so why are the disabled being singled out for the 'we know best' treatment. Is that not just a bit patronising? Why substitute a system that, imperfect as it is, at least relies on clearly defined criteria that can be challenged by the claimant or their carer if they're unhappy, for one which puts them at the mercy of a social worker's judgement? There is of course a lot of discussion, mostly ill informed, on the benefits system but never once have I heard anyone demanding we cut benefits and use the proceeds to employ more civil servants and set up a new government body.

As benefits go Attendance Allowance and Disability Living Allowance are our best. They're not means tested but rather paid out on the basis that people with disabilities incur more expenses in the course of trying to live a normal life, like a sort of citizens income for the disabled. At present this money is paid out by the government and mostly paid back out into the economy by the claimant where it is of wider benefit. Who benefits from moving it from one government department to another? Both benefits are massively underclaimed as it is, tying them to inviting a social worker into your home is only going to lead to further underclaiming, in particular by the elderly.

It's a nasty proposal, another civil service job creation scheme at the expense of the worst off. Do not let the bastards away with it. I appreciate cuts in public spending are needed because we've gone mad and bought a few banks but I can think of a few more deserving targets than pensioners and disabled folk. Speaking of which take aim at your MP here , join the campaign against this madness here and spare a moment to read one perspective on just how helpful these benefits are to the people who need them.

Cheerio

* The answer is attempt to open it, fail , accidentially knock it on to the floor and wait for your daughter to drop in after work and cook you something proper.

What in God's Name Is This?

2009-08-03T23:34:00.002+01:00

Why? What? Who thought this was a good idea?

Really Quite Astonishing

2009-08-01T19:14:00.007+01:00

Hello,
Obviously as we all know the most terrifying phrase in the English language is 'come and see my friends band'. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred it involves watching a load of spotty boys trying and failing to sound like some popular mediocrity or worse being wacky or worst of all- sensitive. Consequently I try and avoid going to see any friend's bands because I always end up resenting them for robbing me of an hour of my life that could have been better spent watching River City or sleeping.

However I broke my rule last night by going to see The Hidden Masters at McChullis and for once, allowing my curiosity to get the better of me proved to be one of my better decisions. They are jaw droppingly good, really quite astonishing. In a sane world they'd be all over the tabloids falling out of nightclubs pissed on the proceeds of their offshore investments in one of the world's leading tax havens. As this isn't a sane world the masses are deprived and Coldplay's deal with Satan continues to pay massive dividends.

It's a risky business going to see live music in these parts. I have still not recovered from seeing a young man who's name escapes me playing a really tedious song about candyfloss and genocide and peroxide and suicide and the USA, that was over ten years ago. Then there was that outbreak of all those really thick women who used to dress like two year olds and play really badly for some reason or another apparently inspired by feminism. Still that was all a very long time a go and mercifully such antics are not so widespread nowadays.

Anyway I highly recommend popping along to have a peep at The Hidden Masters next time they're in your neck of the woods. Marvel at a band who actually make an effort to be entertaining, gasp as you realise you have not wasted a whole evening watching a gaggle of twats trying to recreate 1982 badly, send yourself mad wondering why they haven't been handed a fat record contract and a mansion full of sexually adventurous models to play with. Honestly you will not be sorry.

In a totally unrelated bit of news I'm still fundraising for my guerrilla gardening troop and our ongoing effort to blanket Glasgow in ten thousand spring blooms. All we need is 76 people to chip in a tenner and we've hit our target. Thanks to those who've helped out so far, it really is much appreciated.

Cheerio

Stop Laughing!

2009-07-25T21:01:00.006+01:00

Hello,
As a young pup I was forever getting into trouble for laughing at things. My Modern Studies teacher* was the worst for it -there I'd be having a pleasant chuckle with one of my chums when he'd butt in without so much as an apology and go off on one about how I wouldn't find it funny when I failed my exams. Twit! What I did find fucking hilarious was showing him my certificate with a big 'A' pass on it and telling him I had only done half an hours study the night before the exam. Exams are a doddle -it was bloody continuous assessment that did for me until I learned how to play the system.

I've never understood this madness governments have about exam results. Passing exams proves nothing much at all and as far as I can tell results in bewildered graduates cluttering up call centres muttering about having a degree and looking down on their fellow workers who got in to the call centre racket without so much as a single O Grade. Imagine wasting all that time doing a degree to get a job that doesn't require qualifications!

Still to return to the point, it is an awkward thing but once someone tells you to stop laughing it is physically impossible to do so, especially if they tell you to stop laughing at them. 'Stop laughing at me' is comedy gold-without doubt the funniest phrase in spoken English.

Which is why I can't help thinking that President Zardari is making a terrible error by trying to stop the good folk of his country having a cheeky Pakistani chuckle at his expense. Obviously he didn't say it in English but laughing at politicians is a pastime that transcends borders and language. Of course I'd like to think he just done it to encourage more chuckling in Pakistan and is nobly sacrificing himself as a laughter lamb in the cause of increasing the gaiety of the nation. However I suspect he's probably just a humourless git with totalitarian tendencies. Boo! Hiss!to him.

I just hope Brown doesn't go getting any ideas, though people don't really laugh at Brown much do they. It's more baffled despair than giggles these days isn't it? Still one never knows what Brown is thinking so keep your eyes peeled for any anti-joke legislation in the offing. In the event that Brown is looking abroad for inspiration can I commend to him the fine example laid down for the guidance of leaders everywhere by good old Berlusconi? He's great isn't he? Well politically and ethically he's dubious but when it comes down to it everyone loves a shagger unless they're a boring puritan with a mouth like a cats puckered arse.

I loathed the last Tory government with a ferocity that bordered on homicidal but never failed to grin at their racy antics. One can never truly despise someone who's paid good money to have a call girl hurl doughnuts at his willy, been spanked with a slipper or interfered with wearing nowt but a football strip and a smile. The glory days of the Back to Basics campaign were some of my happiest. Everyday another one would be caught sans breeks. It fair took the edge the misery they were causing at the time.

To that end I think Brown should become a sexual deviant of some sort and take up with the newly single Jordan. It probably wouldn't do much to GDP or whatever boring statistics we're all enslaved by these days by twits who labour under the misapprehension that anything that doesn't turn a coin is inherently evil but think what a surprise it would be. It'd be a hoot, an absolute hoot -probably the biggest hoot of all time. You really would remember where you were for the rest of your days when you found out Brown was stirring Andre's porridge.

As I pootle about my bit of the world I cannot help but notice there is a big cloud of misery hanging over people who follow current affairs. In contrast people who never read a thing and greet the arrival of the evening news bulletin with a 'quick turn over' are as happy as any sentient human can be. I don't hold with not being interested in politics-if they're docking my wages I want to know what they're up to. A good shagging scandal brings us all together in a collective 'Good Lord'. The economy is a joke, no-one can find work that needs it, we're the most bossed about democratic nation on earth and despite the best efforts of workers our public services are a mess. It's only going to get worse under the next lot unless you're minted.

In other words there's not a lot to smile about politically and Brown as the man in charge has a duty to perk us all up by doing something human and gossipworthy. It worked for Clinton**what did he ever do but bomb asprin factories, Iraq and fail to deliver on healthcare reform, gays in the military and so on, yet everyone loves him because he's a shagger.

Cheerio

*Not nice Mr Miller but that simpering proto Blairite careerist cunt MacGregor.

** I once met 'that woman' Miss Lewinsky at a book signing, her's not mine and she's a beauty- in particular her hair, eyes and skin. In all my life I've never seen anyone in the flesh with such beautiful creamy white skin. I was an remain slightly in love and awe. Clinton was lucky to get within spitting distance really.

Tough On Telephones

2009-07-15T00:16:00.003+01:00

Hello,
I see our glorious future government are pretending they know how to tackle youth crime with their laughable proposal to confiscate young hooligans phones. I hate to break it to them but I've met neds they'll only go and nick a replacement caring not a jot about the phone in police custody. They're not noted for their sentimentality about these things. The way they'll see it is that they end up with two phones once the police release the old one. Good God! We're talking about folk who attack people for looking at them. Confiscate their phones!

Oddly the report in the link above describes this is a populist measure. Who exactly is it popular with? If they'd proposed giving them a good boot up the arse or beheading them they'd be elected on a landslide. No one ever smacked a pub table and declared that criminals should lose their mobiles for a month. Populist! Are they anticipating future headlines that read 'nation rejoices as ned undergoes month of minor inconvenience'? The mind boggles.

The only people who'll be taken in by this daft policy are pensioners who don't realise that any old tramp can afford a mobile and believe the young pups are all getting about a million quid a week pocket money if they can afford mobiles.

Personally I'd just have gone for publishing their phone numbers and encouraging the nation to bombard them with crank calls. It wouldn't serve any real purpose other than my personal amusement but it's no less effective than this proposal which is more suited to an irate parent than a government in waiting.

Cheerio

Fleeting Fame

2009-07-15T00:10:00.003+01:00

Hello,

A fleeting reference to the bulb challenge in the Arts column of The Herald no less

Cheerio

Purring Cats!

2009-07-13T21:46:00.003+01:00

Hello,
Apologies for yet another mammoth absence, I've been rather preoccupied with trying to obtain free bulbs for the last week or so and that's scoffed up my attention. I'd love to report it's going well but we've not been pledged a single bulb yet -though let's be positive I'm sure we'll get there. People thus far have been very supportive in words if not in bulbs.

Anyway moving on to jolly old cats. As some of you may be aware I very fond of the buggers for more or less the same reasons that people are suspicious of them. You can keep the dumb loyalty of dogs -who wants to be friends with something that would talk to anyone? Mind you I don't hate dogs they're quite jolly in their own way and it's always good to see one in a hat or on a skateboard looking bewildered.

So cats. Some boffin has discovered that cats use special purrs to manipulate humans into doin their bidding. I can't say I've ever noticed any special purring among my feline friends just the standard issue elderly fridge purr. When our Brian wants attention he sticks his nose into one's eye socket, Sophie wails like a tortured baby and Carly does her level best to draw blood. Maybe that's because I've been unable to recognise the special purr all these years and they've ot so frustrated they've resorted to other means to bring one into line. No wonder I left them with Mummy when I flew the nest. Reading that back it's plain they're a shower of nutters.

It's slightly off topic but I once cured someone of a serious allergy to cat hair. I must confess I was trying to murder them by collecting bits of cat hair and putting it in their pocket and handbag to no avail. It's puzzling because I got the idea when they told me that they'd blown up like a balloon and had to go to hospital because they ate a slice of cake baked by someone who owned a cat. It was upon hearing this tale related in a whiny voice that I hatched my plan. Of course because it was a murder attempt I couldn't take the credit for curing their life-threatening cat hair allergy and so the silly woman still runs screaming from cats in the belief she's still suffering. I must admit I came close to fessing up when a cat appeared at the closed office window and she ran to the other side of the room shrieking 'get it away'.

Right I'm off again to panhandle some bulbs.

Cheerio

Any Spare Bulbs Mate?

2009-07-06T22:20:00.003+01:00

Hello,

I and my merry troop of gardeners are trying to round up and plant ten thousand bulbs of varying sorts between August and December this year and would like your help to do so.
To help out click here or here to make a donation at no cost to yourself.

Cheerio

I Wanted Butterflies and Got Moths

2009-06-30T23:42:00.003+01:00

Hello,
When I took to this gardening racket last June I entertained high hopes of attracting all sorts of wildlife to my corner of the city centre. Nothing too large like an elephant which would be more hassle than it's worth. No offence to elephants I'm a big fan but face it a couple of them charging around the city would be mayhem. I was hoping for something more like birds, bees and butterflies.

I'm pleased to say the bee count is high -good old bees! You have to hand it to the bees they've got the planet by the balls. One big mass bee suicide and we've had it. Hence why we should all plant more bee friendly flowers and the like, lest we make our buzzing overlords angry. I risked a few petunias this year but cunningly planted only red ones which bees can't see apparently so at least when the bee triggered apocalypse happens it won't be my fault. Oh and no smart arse comments about me letting the cat out the bag and angering the bees with my petunia confession. They won't read it. Bees recognise no human languages, considering themselves too lofty for such rot and having once leafed through The Da Vinci Code I can't help but think they might be on to something.

The bird count is much the same as it always was a million pigeons, too bloody many of those evil gull things, not enough sparrows and the odd starling. The butterflies remain elusive unlike moths who are appearing in such numbers that the Daily Mail is bound to start getting uppity. Just wait till one of them gets done for benefit fraud or converts to Islam. We shall never hear the bloody end of it.

I was out doing a spot of watering at Wilson Street when what can only be described as a battalion of moths enveloped me in a cloud of really boring wings. As attacks go it lacked the air of meance required to make make it even slightly frightening. I couldn't help but sneer at these beige flappers even when the attack was at it's peak. Until I remembered they eat clothes and got off my mark sharpish before their attentions left me nude.

I admit I'm a bit shallow but I just can't get very excited about flying halfwits of the sort of colour my mother paints her house. Horrid pale slurries that they call 'mink' and 'mushroom' on colour charts. Yuck! Give me a nice jolly red anyday.

As I hadn't knowingly planted anything that moths are into I was baffled by their interest in my patch. In fact it hadn't even occured to me that they were into plants, I thought it was all clothes and lightbulbs in the moth community. One minute I was happily watering my seedlings the next I had a face full of disgruntled moths trying to debag me in the street. Anyone who has read Decline and Fall will know what havoc can be wrought on a person by a public debagging. No one ever believes you haven't done it purpose.

I did think the explanation may lie with the supernatural but it turns out the wretched things are mad for chives. What seems to have happened is that they've been hanging round my chives getting up to God knows what and been startled by a sudden drenching from my watering can and attempted a strip attack. Freaks.

Still none of this explains the lack of butterfly action. I've done everything possible to lure the little dandies but they remain elusive. I've racked my brains but I really don't think there was anything else I could have done which calls for a scapegoat. The question is should I blame Gordon Brown, Fred Goodwin or the PC brigade. Answers please.

Cheerio

All Hail Frankie Boyle

2009-06-30T01:13:00.007+01:00

Hello,
Obviously it has come to my attention that Michael Jackson has pegged it and whilst I was never a fan and remain somewhat bewildered by the massive media overreaction even I felt pity for him. Ending up as he did weighing a pathetic eight stone, bald and drug addled. In a sane world everyone around him who allowed him, evidently a severely mentally ill individual, get into such a state would be jailed or shot or both. Then again in a sane world he wouldn't have been half as rich or famous as he was and I daresay a lot happier.

Still for those who've had quite enough of this manufactured outpouring of grief and I exclude long term Michael Jackson fans from this as opposed to the hearse chasers here is the column that got Frankie Boyle the mutually agreed bullet from the Daily Record. It's a chucklesome antidote as these things go.

We can also learn a lesson from the example set down by Mr Clairwil who has barely moved in his entire life and as far as I can tell eats pasta, owns a fine head of hair, reads, sleeps, watches TV and little else. Like a non-racist Queen Mum without the hat collection. In contrast Michael Jackson worked flat out from an early age, ate fuck all, danced, made mediocre records as soundtracks to naff videos. Yesterday Mr Clairwil reached the grand old age of 51 and look at poor old Michael Jackson dead at 50 with not a hair on his head.

In other reasons to be cheerful Steven Wells is dead. Suddenly the world feels better written. If I'm not mistaken there might be a little less badly punctuated, manufactured adolescent petulance in the air. Like a eunuch in a harem he saw it done, knew how it should be done but had neither the balls or talent to do it himself. A dreadful music writer who couldn't handle anything that didn't square with his dogmatic outlook. A sort of lefty Littlejohn for people at the masturbation stage, a manky old man who hung about kiddie rag lest his lack of talent get him laughed out a wage on a grown up publication. Another grotesque off the list. Reading 'Susan' Wells attempt at teenage rage was like being encountered by an eighty year old at a bus stop who raises her skirt to display crotchless panties and begs you to admit she's still got 'it'. Oh and while I'm at it 'Susan' Wells. He can take that attempt at solidarity with the ladies and shove it up his arse -we've got more than enough tits of our own without men trying to frame us for shit writing. Tosser.

Cheerio

Down With the Botherers.

2009-06-29T20:16:00.007+01:00

Hello,
Has a festival of slow witted intolerance commenced without me being informed this year? I merely ask because our local knuckledraggers seem to have been rather vocal of late.

On Saturday we had our Republican and Orange chums beg the question who should be put up against a wall and shot first and leave me scratching my head. I am of course referring to the Armed Forces Day debacle on Saturday. It could and should have been a perfectly ordinary, straightforward military service. Instead we have in the Orange corner we have soap dodgers mooing witlessly at the Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy not because he's a useless careerist little nit but because he's a Catholic. Not to be outdone the Green corner mooed witlessly at the army for being British in Britain, motivated no doubt by a desire to provoke the Orangers to attack so they can go up the road whining about British persecution.

Would it be asking too much of both sides to reflect on the tolerance shown to them during their repellent marches by the appalled, inconvenienced and intimidated public and consider returning the favour once in a while? It's not like the rest of us don't want to chop them into little pieces before hurling them into remote landfill sites it's just that we were born and brought up as opposed to shat out and dragged down which helps with restraint. Do not even start me on their post Old Firm match antics which prove beyond all reasonable doubt that both evolution and intelligent design are bunk. Someone should organise a literacy campaign as a matter of urgency.

Moving on the owner of The Pakistani Cafe has taken the unusual step of rolling up to work in a stab proof vest owing to a collection of sub normal halwifts taking exception to his cafe. I must declare an interest here in that I'm a big fan of The Pakistani, the food is fantastic, the prices are dirt cheap and it's a nice, relaxed place to while away an hour with the paper and a cup of chai.
Reading the report in the record the trouble appears to have started when a customer took exception to the presence of a book by Salman Rushdie amongst the reading material provided for customers. I must confess I prefer a bit of P.G Wodehouse myself, if I were the customer I'd just have ignored the books I didn't like and made do with Chat or Women's Realm rather than kicking up a stupid fuss over nothing.

Anyway it all seems to have got out of hand and now the youths have got the hump because the cafe owner plays a bit of music and serves alcohol which, unless the Taliban have been elected behind my back is perfectly acceptable in these parts. To my mind it's way more acceptable than this latter day bunch of Carry Nation's threatening to petrol bomb the cafe, smashing windows and sticking their beaks into other folks business. Who appointed these wankers as the south side's moral guardians? They can't be allowed to get the upper hand, let them win once and before we know it no-one will be allowed to do anything except break windows and hurl petrol bombs if their disgraceful conduct is anything to go by.

Still every cloud has a silver lining, it's not often one gets to stand up to the scum of the earth, show a bit of solidarity with a man in trouble whilst eating like a king on a beggars wages. To that end I recommend everyone make a point of dropping into The Pakistani Cafe for a cup of chai and a bite to eat as often as they possibly can not only to thwart the puritans but because it's a bloody fine establishment and I don't want our Mr Sharif drowning in a sea of stupidity.

Cheerio

P.S The Karachi omelette is a triumph.

Fun with DNA

2009-06-29T00:20:00.005+01:00

Hello,

Ma and Pa recently purchased some DNA tests in the vain hope of finding some explanation for how we all came to be here. I didn't get a chance to go through the results with a fine toothed comb but here's the terrible truth from my initial glance.

On Pa's side the paternal line is a 50-50 split between Celtic and Norse Viking, the maternal line can be traced back to Dordogne about 20,000 years or so ago and hit the UK around 12,000 years ago. Apparently Marie Antionette came from the same folk which I have decided explains my long standing horror of the French Revolution and love of self-indulgent treats. I have never dyed a sheep to match one of my outfits but I'd be fibbing if I said the idea didn't appeal to me.

The origins of mummy's father are something of a mystery and as there are no surviving male offspring to test will unfortunately remain so. I never laid eyes on the man but mummy reckons he 'looked a bit Jewish' which doesn't really help us much at all. All I can tell you is that he lived under an assumed name his whole life, worked for Rolls Royce and had a cousin with a false nose who ruled a barbers shop.

Happily ma's maternal line presents no such problems. The test reveals that they rolled up in Georgia from the Middle East about 25,000 years ago, ate goats and had awful bother with bears. At some time unspecified they seem to have scattered over Europe, though 1% of Native American share the same mtDNA.

I had hoped for a bit of Persian or Japanese blood but all in all I'm rather tickled by my origins.

Cheerio

It Just Sort of Spiralled.....

2009-06-17T22:42:00.003+01:00

Hello,
If you were any sort of company as a child you are likely to recall an episode where you told a small buck-passing fib to get yourself out of hot water with your parents. Only to find it getting out of hand as your parents attempt to take matters further by bawling at one of your friends or worse involving their parents. That is of course where it get's tricky and ever more elaborate tales are required to put them off the scent. I have a vague memory of fitting up a friend over the discovery of 20 Benson and Hedges in my bedroom only to have the bitch refuse to take the rap.

I am not of course for a moment implying that the Belgian teenager with the tattooed face is pulling a similar fast one but you have to wonder. It is, I suppose entirely possible to walk into a tattoo parlour ask to have three stars etched onto your face, fall asleep and find the tattooist has added an extra fifty three stars. It's just that the tattoo artists explanation for it sounds more plausible 'She agreed, but when her father saw it, the trouble started'. Her credibility is also undermined by the correlation between facial tattoos and lunacy.

Still you have to feel for the girl. Not only is she stuck with that monstrosity on her face but her parents have gone legal with the whole thing. I think the only sensible moves left to her are to flee the family home, plead temporary insanity or blame the paranormal.

Cheerio

Madness, Racists, BNP

2009-06-12T23:29:00.005+01:00

Hello,
As you might be aware two racist MEPs were elected to the European Parliament last week. You certainly will be aware if you read Comment is Free -they're obsessed. For me it reached the stage where if I couldn't see a new BNP article I felt unsettled, like I'd put my pants on back to front but not realised the cause of my unease until I was at the bus stop on my way to work.

Anyway on the plus side it has provided an opportunity for the Guardian reading BNP members to put across their point of view. Truly the world has gone mad! Guardian reading BNP voters. I can scarcely credit it myself but there it is. If you struggle to imagine such a creature, chippy call centre manager on a race rant about sums it up.

Truly they are a strange breed. If you ask the perfectly reasonable question is the BNP racist? they start waving the Black Police Association around like it's a talisman to ward off enquiring liberal spirits. I refrain from commenting on CIF for fear of getting any more drawn into to it but I must confess the BNP can't be racist because the Black Police Association is racist line of argument did tempt me to intervene. To me it's perfectly simple, of course the Black Police Association is racist. For heaven's sake the name alone is a dead giveaway. The members are police officers, of course they're racists.

Mind you I'm baffled by the BNP belief that the answer to the question is the BNP racist depends on whether or not some black police officers are racist. Has a racism quota been introduced behind my back? We may be a small island but surely there must be room for the BNP and the BPA to be racist at the same time. Bloody hell! We are in a sorry state if even our professional racists can't live together harmoniously. Still perhaps the problem between our warring racists arises from the fact that the BPA allows any police officer from any ethnic background to join whereas the BNP's constitution forbids anyone who isn't white joining. There vis also the small but important point that the BPA do not demand removal of rights for whites. In contrast the BNP believe in rights for whites and whites alone in common with every other white racist on the planet. In other words the BNP is racist whereas the BPA do not have racist agenda.

If the racist BNP fans aren't waving the BPA in the air, they're complaining that no one wants to debate their policies. Naturally this provokes someone to read their manifesto and try to debate them on policy only for them to act like their maiden aunt has farted with what Kenneth Williams once described, as alarming ferocity, during a lull in conversation as they frantically try to change the subject, lest anyone should be coarse enough to mention auntie's dirty interjection.

It's terribly unfair. I'd love to debate many BNP policies but they won't answer a single question I ask. It's not just me other's have questioned them on their manifesto pledges and they can't answer. Look at this CIF thread and work your way forward. Even articulate, intelligent BNP supporters can't answer reasonable questions, answers to which would trip off the tongue of any normal party loyalist. It's tempting to assert they can't answer because they're stupid but I rather fancy it's because they are the racist totalitarians we always knew they were. They really are too dishonest and cowardly to stand for election on their true principles. I'm sorry but not even that pathetic left-right mish mash of a manifesto convinces me that they're anything other than lunatic racists who'd happily wreck the economy and every other institution in this nation in pursuit of a white UK. Whatever your views on immigration levels that is something we could all do without.

Cheerio

Puzzled

2009-06-10T23:01:00.003+01:00

'Prisons are bursting at the seams, while crime rates appear to be falling. It doesn't make sense'

Hello,
I hate to come over all law and order on you all but is it possible that criminals being locked up might have something to do with crime rates falling? I came across the puzzling styatement above whilst pootling about the Guardian website.

I daresay it's all a bit of a short term fix, as far as I can tell prison appears to be a bit of a failure most of the time as a deterrent, a punishment or as a means of rehabilitation. Still it's encouraging stuff, all we need to do now is address the misuse of the prison system as a dumping ground for the mentally ill, the high rates of illiteracy, rampant prison drug abuse, overcrowding, gang violence and general mayhem that passes for prison life and make prison more effective. Unless of course there is some value in allowing violent, drug addled nutters to meet lots of other violent drug addled nutters from all over the country and carry on pretty much as they do outside.

Toodles

Window Dressing Gone Wrong!

2009-06-05T22:15:00.006+01:00

Hello,

I see someone else has fled the cabinet, no doubt by the time I complete this post someone else will be jumping ship. I am troubled by the departure of Caroline Flint, though because it put's me in the position of siding with Brown.

Ms Flint reckons that Gordon Brown has treated her as 'female window dressing'. I don't like to defend sexism or tokenism of that sort but in all seriousness what else was he meant to do with her? Let's face it she's easy on the eye but based her performance to date has hardly set the heather alight. Anyway why is ok for her to do a bit of modelling in the Sunday papers, when a male politician would be a laughing stock if he did likewise? She can hardly moan about being treated like eye candy if that's how she chooses to present herself.

It's also something of a worry that it took her so long to notice she was being treated as 'window dressing'. Only last month she was telling The Observer that she hadn't experienced any sexism in politics since being elected in 1997. Either Brown had one of his hitherto unknown 'window dressing' fits a fortnight a go or Ms Flint is one dim bint. Odder still last night she claimed she was staying in government because she was 'very proud to be a part of Gordon Brown's government'.

Today she announced she was giving up flicking through Grazia magazine behind a desk or whatever it is she's being doing since 1997. I'm sure it is mere coincidence that this happened after Brown failed to offer her a full cabinet role. Good God that whiny ten year old on Britain's Got Talent showed more dignity in the face of disappointment.

I've no doubt being female in that den of overgrown schoolboys is a trial at times. It wouldn't surprise me at all to hear female MPs are discriminated against. What a shame the 'Blair Babes' were ever mooted as an answer -a gaggle of girlies so witless I change sex just looking at them such is my desire to escape from any club they're members of.

I just hope the female electorate in Ms Flints constituency will remember her cynical use of feminism for her own careerist ends come the general election. I'm sure the job centre will appreciate a bit of fortnightly window dressing.

I'm no fan of Brown and hsave never voted Labour in my puff, nor can I forsee any circumstances when I will but having seen the poor quality of the Labour rebels, I rather unexpectedly find myself feeling rather sorry for Brown. I would have thought he deserved at least a measure of loyalty for allowing these mediocrities to remain in high office. Instead he finds himself stabbed in the back by people far worse than he's ever been. I'd have more respect for them if they'd done something constructive to improve things or stuck with the trainwreck to the bitter end because every last one of them is complicit. They've had ample opportunity to get rid of Brown, yet only acted when they were in the shit over expenses or denied a promotion. That speaks volumes. Brown's alright when he's feathering their nests no matter what he does to the electorate. What a repulsive bunch of chancers.

Cheerio

A Question for Jim Devine

2009-06-04T18:31:00.003+01:00

Hello,
I was out on one of my strolls round yon internet when I dropped in to the excellent SNP Tactical Voting blog and came across this article regarding Jim Devine MP and his mysterious tradesmen which points out an inconsistency in Mr Devine's fantastic tale of men in pubs and woodworking publicans. I must say it's all most unfortunate.

However what caught my eye was a comment left by an anonymous poster, who really should have put their name to it so that we could all have bought them pints and patted them on the back. I'm slightly peeved at myself for not thinking of it first, all I can say in my defence was that I was too busy laughing at Jimmy boy's preposterous tale. Anyway anonymous asks an excellent question and one which I think we'd all like an answer to

'Re his other scam--the £2000 plus for electrical work to his London flat. I know that he met a man in a pub who carried out the work then slipped a dodgy invoice under his door. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? He couldn't have sent a cheque since the address on the invoice didn't exist. So did he go back to the same pub and pay the man in used fivers? I haven't heard his account of how he paid the bill---can anyone enlighten me?'

Taking into account Jim's piss poor excuses to date I have no doubt the answer will involve a magic cow named Henry, The A Team, a very large magnet and a golden unicorn. To be fair that would be more credible than anything he's come up with thus far.

I am mad with curiosity now as to how the bill was paid. I mean if he sent a cheque it would have been returned or have remained uncashed. Did the mysterious electrician come to collect payment or did Jim have to visit his business premises which appear to be a pub? Only two men know the answer and as one of them is either dead or up north we shall have to ask Jim. Happily Jim is a pretty open sort of guy and lists a whopping FIVE ways to contact him on his website. Not only that he's friendly too and is quite clear that we should not hesitate to contact him if he can be of assistance. Good old Jim!

So join me in asking Jim the all important questions -how was the bill paid and can your mate Tom O'Donnelly reccommend a good plasterer?

Cheerio

Back To Earth!

2009-06-03T21:16:00.004+01:00

Hello,
Off my tits as I am on two weeks of lovely medication I am feeling somewhat better then when I last blogged. So much so that I've declared war in defence of my garden. The student led destruction of my garden continues unabated, a fridge, kitchen unit, drawers and umpteen bags of rubbish have now been dumped atop my poor plants and seedlings.

It's hard to say exactly what ended my state of defeat, prescription drugs were part of it but the outrage of some of my neighbours at the state of my garden spurred me and them into action. I spent the afternoon fighting off flies and transferring the rubbish on the path in to the empty bins. I then agreed with my neighbours to write to environmental health, all the local property managers and local councillors about the frightful state of the place. After all that I felt I couldn't really tell my neighbours that I had in fact abandoned the garden -not when they were being so complimentary about my begonias. I'm off to the garden centre in the morning for summer bedding, a selection of self seeders and something thorny -let them try to pull that out.

Elsewhere I see the government has descended into farce. That said am I alone in thinking Gordon Brown would be as well staying in the top job until the election? Everywhere I go on the internet people are demanding he resigns. I honestly can't see the point, I very much doubt he's significantly worse than anyone else in the Labour Party. What difference will a new face make at this late stage? Everyone knows the tories are getting in at the next election no matter what happens, who cares who leads the Labour Party into defeat?

The tories though, it's a sobering prospect. I remember them last time. It was grim. Bearing in mind I was a mere child for most of it and I must confess I did enjoy the miners strike but other than that my memories consist of absurdly high interest rates, my parents being skint, my dad on the dole for six months, Thatcher cheating the Brighton bomb and an education that would insult the intelligence of a dead dog. Mind you if it wasn't for the tories we'd never have had the experience of a Religious Studies essay being confiscated by the police at our school. Apparently the police reckoned the essay was promoting homosexuality, happily the essay got off due to lack of evidence and was returned to it's somewhat surprised author who co-incidentally was the first woman I ever slept with.

As far as I can tell we'll merely be exchanging being fucked over by people with mortgages for being shafted by folk with moats. Anyone fancy joining me in a nice Passport to Pimlico style uprising?

Cheerio

UPDATE: In addition to the above my garden is now home to what I thought was a dead body until it asked me what I was looking at and called me a cunt.

Mental Again!

2009-05-15T21:46:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I'm having a few of what my sillier chums call issues at the moment having misplaced my medication, deciding I'd never felt better before going slightly but quietly bonkers again. To be honest I knew things weren't going well when I found myself bawling my eyes out yesterday over the whole MP's expenses row. I mean it is infuriating but I don't think they meant it personally.

However my tearful outburst seems to have acted as some sort of misery magnet. I've always aimed for a stoic response to things and I'm usually reasonably successful in my day to day life if not my blogging life characterised as it is by displays of rage. I hate sobbing all over folk. Not only is it embarrassing but it never gets one anywhere. With the rare exception of Mr Clairwil who usually get's practical all you get are pitying looks and cliches before the subject is quietly changed.

Anyway since going mental again someone has ripped out a very striking bush I planted at my bins last year which was growing a treat with it's black leaves contrasting nicely against the whitewashed wall. I find it quite hard to express how much this has distressed me. Normally this sort of thing just makes me angry and resolve to plant something bigger, better and poisonous in it's place. Today I just felt like ripping the lot out. I feel I've run out of steam. I know it's absurd getting upset about plants but what possible pleasure is there in ripping one out the ground, seperating it from it's roots and leaving it dumped on the street? Why can't these people buy plants of their own to destroy rather than wrecking mine?

Let's face it they are fucking rich enough -it may surprise the snobs reading to learn that most of the vandalism carried out in our street is the work of middle class students. The only thing that cheers me up in all this is my neighbour's tales of having caught the toffs in the act and reduced them to tears by threatening them with the police. Something that always prompts rapid blinking, tears and a stuttered 'I'm at university'. Less cheering is his apparent acceptance that being students they aren't real criminals and don't mean any harm. To me that makes it worse I'd be more likely to let some barely sentient ned off the hook than someone who should know better and in a few years will be buggering off to a nice suburb.

Could we not build schemes for wanky toff students where they are housed in squalor so they can feel edgy and a wee bit working class without wrecking decent areas for the rest of us? Failing that I know a housing officer responsible for three horrid east end high rises who'd be delighted to fill a few unlet flats where the young team will give you the warmest of welcomes.
Anyway the students of High Street will be pleased to learn that I'm throwing in the towel. I just cannot keep putting myself through it. It would appear that I'm not as recovered as I thought.

I'm not going to rip out what I've planted but leave it to be destroyed, I will admit that a small part of me is curious as to how long it will take them.

Cheerio

MPs Expenses

2009-05-13T21:35:00.005+01:00

Hello,
In many ways MPs expenses have been worth every penny, I haven't laughed so much in years.
Oh come on a male MP buying tampons, nappies and women's clothes, or some toff scamming repairs to his tennis court and moat cleaning! How exactly does one go about cleaning a moat or more to the point being posh enough to have one? Then of course I remembered I and my other chums the tax payers were footing the bill and that I've still not received the tax rebate I'm due.

Growing up with the standard left wing West of Scotland upbringing I was I suppose natural Labour territory but living in close proximity to the horror of Glasgow City Council put paid to any illusions I may have had about their integrity. Ah yes I remember it well Pat Lally's repellent nephew boasting about being dropped off at school in the provosts limo. All the same I naively thought Labour corruption was a 'Glasgow problem' caused by a sheep like Tory phobic electorate who would rather vote for a rotting corpse in a red rosette than in their own interests.

Similarly I believed the Tory corruption, that became apparent in the last days of the Major government was a result, not of any inherent dishonesty in the Tory party but the inevitable result of being in power too long.

I daresay there is a degree of truth in that. Long running administrations of any stripe are bound to be attractive to opportunists on the make but I think this latest round of expenses scandals reveals something far more rotten and disturbing. No party is spared, not one. These people really are a class apart -who or what on earth gave them the idea that they were entitled to live lives so far removed from the rest of us at our expense? The frightening thing is I think some of them honestly believe that tennis court repairs and the like are essential for them to carry out their jobs, in other words there's no point serving the public or pretending to unless you are allowed to live like a king on the back of it.

Worse than the claims themselves is the 'it was within the rules, it's not me it's the system'. I must suggest that to one of my clients as a possible defence if they happen to spot a loophole in the benefit rules. I'm quite certain that both the DWP and police will be entirely sympathetic. For heaven's sake people refrain from doing all sorts of perfectly legal things because they think it is immoral to do so. If these clowns can't tell the difference between something being legal and being compulsory then can I suggest they find something more suited to their abilities like competitive mouth breathing. You notice that despite being the very folk with the power to reform the system none of them felt so strongly that they raised the matter in parliament with a view to any sort of reform. One can only imagine their howls of outrage at the awful system as they looked at their bank statements and watched the money roll in.

Then there is the flipping scam -no wonder they didn't want to restore any level of sanity to the housing market -the bastards were coining it in! I wonder if any of them as they played their part putting homes out of the reach of key workers and first time buyers ever felt a single seconds guilt. Did those representing less affluent constituencies and reading their post bag containing various tales of housing hell from people better than they'll ever be not reflect for a moment that what they were doing was wrong? Marie Antoinette was beheaded for less.

Being ripped off is bad enough but readers of The Guardian and The Telegraph were treated to that despicable little dirtbag MacShane insulting their intelligence with his assertion that if they don't vote Labour or for one of the big parties then the BNP will get in. In other words you can't risk a protest vote without getting something worse so keep eating shit peasants. Of course if he and his corrupt pals weren't such a bunch of grasping low lifes they might be able to point out a few faults with the BNP but instead they've left themselves in no position to point fingers at anyone. Quite frankly Labour have run a better campaign for the BNP then anything that shower could manage. Still you'd almost think the BNP were the only party standing the way he's carrying on but of course two minutes on google provides you with a world of choice in finding a home for your cheeky protest without your 'racial foreigner' chums thinking you want to send them back. To save you the hassle I will provide a handy list below.

Cheerio

Scotland- Green, SNP, SSP, NO2EU, Socialist Labour Party, Christian Party Christian Peoples Alliance, Jury Team, UKIP and Duncan Robertson (Independent).

Northern Ireland -No candidates from any of the big three your choices are here.

Wales- Green, Plaid Cymru, NO2EU, Jury Team, UKIP, Christian Party Christian Peoples Alliance and Socialist Labour Party.

England (By Region)

North East - Green, NO2EU, Jury Team, UKIP, English Democrats, Christian Party Christian Peoples Alliance, Socialist Labour Party and Libertas.

Yorkshire and the Humber - See above

West Midlands -See above

East Midlands -See above

North West -As previous but with a lone independent Francis Apaloo

East of England- As previous but the independent candidate is Peter Rigby and Animals Count are also standing.

South West- As previous but Mebyon Kernow, Pensioners Party and Your Decision are also standing.

South East- As previous but The Peace Party and The Roman Party are standing.

London- As previous but with Gene Alcatara, Steven Cheung, Jan Jananayagam, Sohale Rahman and Haroon Saad standing as independents and Yes to Europe also standing.

An Election Dilemma

2009-05-08T22:10:00.006+01:00

Hello,
I was wildly excited this morning when my polling card for next months European election landed on my doormat. I'm perfectly serious, I love voting. God alone knows why, as far as I can tell you'd have more influence if you locked yourself in a public convenience and wrote dirty words on a wall. For some reason by the time polling day comes I have worked myself into such a state that I come to believe that the whole election hangs on my vote. On wrong X and Labour could get in yet again!

Which brings me to my troubling dilemma. Having looked at the choice on offer I have whittled it down to two lucky finalists. I rather like the SNP candidate and think he would do a good job but that's a bit of a waste in Europe as it's a gigantic undemocratic, expenses scam. He seems like a nice chap but what if he got in with a bad crowd on the expenses scene? Think about it, he'd be the new boy, feeling a bit alone then the cool crowd take an interest in him. He feels great and bit flattered to have such exciting new friends and that's when they'll pounce! What if they corner him and tell him he's a pussy if he doesn't bump up his expenses. Of course he'd be the one caught and made an example of and no one would believe that the bullies made him do it and in real life he's a fellow brought up with the utmost care by respectable parents. All that's wrtong with him is that he's pro-EU.

It's a schoolyard classic used to happen all the time round the smokers during my days at secondary. I'll never forget the day poor Jatinder got booted out of school for grand larceny after being lured into leading role in a badly planned school equipment heist by the neds. I'm afraid it was partly my fault, he was a perfectly well behaved boy until a teacher made him my 'special responsibility' on account of what she felt was my 'calming influence'. Unfortunately he resented my authority and rebelled with disastrous consequences. With hindsight I could have handled the whole situation better. Instead of treating him like a person I acted like I'd been given a toy. If I wasn't threatening to debag him and spank his bare arse in front of the whole school I was trying to put baubles in his hair or lipstick on his face. Never underestimate the havoc that can be wrought by getting in with the wrong sort of folk. If you're reading Jatinder I really am very sorry.

God that was a wander wasn't it? Anyway the second lucky finalist is No2EU who will not be taking up their seat if elected and take a dim view of the European Union so the risks of them getting in with a bad crowd are minimal. Then there is also the opportunity of a European election to register a wee protest at that monstrous union of crooks and it does seem a shame to duck the issue by voting for a pro-EU candidate. In truth it's the haunting fear of splitting the anti-Labour vote that puts me off because my one piddly vote is so vastly important.

My question to you all is have you ever had a polling booth dilemma and how did you resolve it?

Honestly I'm like an alkie who doesn't know whether to tan the rum or the vodka first. I do not want your opinions on my choices, what I'm looking for is a good system to assist me weigh up the pros and cons.

Cheerio

Some Interesting Ideas

2009-05-03T23:39:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I see The Independent has made the grave error of publishing an article on the subject of social housing. I expect the author is lying in a darkened room muttering 'all I did was relay the results of a report on social housing'. The response is incredible and prompts me to propose a social experiment. Why don't we all find a member of the underclass, beat the shit out them until they become as wealthy as Bill Gates, in which case we'll know they were skiving all along. Of course should any of us beat one to death, it will be unfortunate but at least we'll know they were a proper pov and couldn't help it. Most important of all it will save the tax payer money. Let's not forget that money rules and any life without monetary value is worthless.

Let's have a few quotes shall we?

'I definitely think the idea of social housing mixed with private is an utter disgrace. Why on earth should someone who has worked damned hard to save for a home and buy one at great expense and pay the bills be two or three doors away from some single youngster with her noisy brood of ear ringed 6 year old brats and pack of barking dogs.' -Mekap

For the love of God lets find out where this tit lives, gang up and set a gypsy camp on his front lawn. Does it not occur to him that the last thing a merry woman of pleasure needs is a pursed lipped puritan for a neighbour when she's busy grabbing life by the throat. Dear Lord there are standards but one simply can't live up to them without being a total bore. Some of us have cats others have mouths like cat's arses it's the way of the world.

'There is a simple answer to avoiding the phenomenon of generation upon generation of benefit dependents on these council estates: don't allow those who are benefits to get pregnant. You want benefits? Then you receive a contraceptive implant. You want to have children? Get a job so you can support them.' -RobertCLondon

Yes Robert, that would work. Let's implant women with a contraceptive that carries fairly unpleasant side effects whether or not they get themselves pregnant. God forbid a man should ever be asked to regulate his own fertility by using a condom or having the snip. Of course the fact that the majority of claimants are on benefits for six months or less is neither here nor there. As indeed the existance of childless benefit claimants who have no intention of breeding.

'We should follow the concentration camp idea through toa logical conclusion and exterminate the roaches and spongers who live on estates. They are nothing but human garbage.' -Bobsilentio

Well the granny and papa Clairwils (scheme scum) have already gone so it's too late to make them pay for having the effrontery to be born in poverty. It's too late to make maternal granny Clairwil pay for being forced to leave school at thirteen because 'she was needed in the house'. On the plus side both my parents are still alive so they can be killed for the grave sin of being born in council houses or do they get off for repenting and becoming home owners.

I get the distinct impression that the people who submit these comments don't actually know anyone who lives in social housing which is odd. I get the whiff of so painfully lower middle class it hurts. Rather than comment they'd be as well typing 'WHY CANT EVERYONE BE LIKE ME?'.
It would save time and let the casual reader get to the root of the problem.

Right I'm off to count my money because I'm worth it.
Cheerio

Gays Wot Shower In The Nude

2009-05-01T21:16:00.007+01:00

Hello,
Pootling about the internet takes one to some strange places where one finds out some strange things. Take this highly credible tale of Jack Tweed's 'THREE' encounters with Boy George in the prison showers.

Poor Jack 'turned white and legged it' after stumbling upon 'naked gay' Boy George washing in a communal shower room. I'm sure all of you will join me in condemning this outrage. As if it's not bad enough being a gay George has to go and become one of those naked gays and wash in a shower room!

Quite why The Sun didn't go the whole hog and add a bit of accidental soap dropping into this puerile fear of the queers toss is unclear. Obviously had George been loitering by a radiator, brandishing handcuffs then one would be wise to vacate the area but I don't find his reported behaviour in the showers particularly alarming even if there was 'fleeting eye contact'. Then again I'm not one of those uniformly irresistible heterosexual men who drive all gay men without exception mad with lust.

Personally taking into account the two chaps form I think George has more to fear from Jack who let's face it is a pretty repellent little thug. In the unlikely event there is any truth to this non story Jack might want to reflect on his fear and consider how his victims felt as he assaulted them.

However the article takes a surprising twist towards in the end when it is revealed that Jack is worried about falling in love so soon after Jade's death and isn't sure if he'll ever get another girlfriend. Is this bad writing? An attempt at an explanation for Jack's fear of naked gays and their fleeting eye contact? What are they trying to tell us?

Cheerio

Institutional Cruelty

2009-04-28T00:29:00.002+01:00

Hello,
I had intended to write a post about this but I really can't add much to this fine article, except to ask why heads are not rolling and why people have not taken to the street in protest? I can only conclude that we as a society don't care much much for the elderly, which apart from being heartless is somewhat short sighted. And you wonder why the promise of a long life doesn't make me want to give up smoking. Fuck being left at the mercy of these monsters.

Cheers

Scotland The Pathetic

2009-04-25T21:44:00.006+01:00

Hello,
As Irvine Welsh once rightly pointed out, it's shite being Scottish. How in God's name did I end up in the world's most thin skinned nation? Well I exaggerate slightly Turkey is worse with it's absurd law against insulting Turkishness. Quite frankly having spent a week in the place it'd be more in their line to pass a law preventing the harassment of women and enforcing it.

I am of course referring to Margaret Curran getting all huffy because some TV presenter or another made a few snide remarks about the Scots on Question Time. This isn't the first time something like this has happened I dimly recall a minor controversy because David Beckham said he wouldn't support the Scottish football team if they were playing a team other than England and why should he? Then there was that ironing board on GMTV who kept whining on about the Scots, presumably projecting her dissatisfaction with her Scottish husband onto an entire nation.

If I were to write a book in which the nations of the world were represented as people Scotland would be a whiny neurotic woman worrying about the size of her arse. For God's sake grow a skin who gives a fuck? I must admit I'm not immune to this myself, many years ago I worked in a call centre dealing with mainly English customers and was driven mental by English callers submitting complaints because a Scot had the temerity to answer the phone, was stealing their jobs, existed and so on.

Eventually I worked out how to rig my phone up to prevent my calls being recorded and came to enjoy these calls for the opportunity it gave me to wind the fuckers up. My favourite involving telling someone we'd emptied their account to fund a free bar at a caber tossing event. For someone who couldn't understand my 'stupid accent' they seemed to understand the loss of their life savings well enough. I should stress that their savings were perfectly safe and earning interest at the rate of 6.5%, like I say it was a very long time ago. My other favourite was to offer to put objectors to the accent through to a Pakistani colleague at which point they'd go insane say something appallingly rude and racist allowing me to smugly explain that I was cutting them off due to their 'unacceptable language'.

Based on my highly scientific research of having worked in a call centre I can reveal that 90% of the English population couldn't care less about Scotland, 3% are genuinely surprised that we actually exist, 4% love the accent/scenery or had a whale of a time up here during WW2 and the remainder would like to see every last Scottish man, woman and child exterminated.

As something of an anglophile it should pain me and much as it used to it's just gob dripping down the window to me these days. For the love of God you don't die because people don't like you. Thirteen years of being tormented at school for being ugly taught me that. Rejection shouldn't affect you other than to make you stronger and revel in the very thing that makes folk reject you. Sign of a healthy brain.

People like Margaret Curran whining just make me despair. It's in her interests for Scotland to be a whiny, needy little backwater consumed with bitterness towards any enemy other the real one -the Labour Party. People like her thrive in an ocean of stupidity. If she really felt that strongly about people running down Scotland or Robert Burns she'd have a go at Terry Kelly who is at least open in his hatred and derision for Scotland, it's people and culture. But she doesn't. Why? Because she's quite happy to exploit they halfwit tendency amongst us who'll regard her remarks as sticking it to the English, though not sticking it so far that they stop allowing us to ponce off them. Funny that.

If she were any sort of patriot she might regard it as an embarrassment that after about a million years of Labour rule in Scotland all we have is a nation that over reacts to any slight but leeches of the neighbours all the same and is too thick and skint to govern itself. If she really cared about Scotland she'd be too busy addressing our real problems to notice the odd flea bite. Still any distraction rather than derail the gravy train eh? To think I felt a bit bad when she overheard me refer to her as having 'no breeding'. Pah I was too soft of should have just called her a whining, parasitic cunt and had done with it.

Cheerio

Why Bother?

2009-04-24T20:52:00.004+01:00

Hello,
As long term readers will be aware I'm a jolly spinster, having resolved at an early age not to get married or breed. Oh I did rather like the idea of a big frock, attention and lots of presents until the realisation hit me that a wedding is essentially a hugely expensive party to which one is compelled to invite one's parents. My parent's are nice enough people but they haven't been welcome at one of my parties since I left primary school. They would be an enormous wet blanket at a wedding party the last thing a bride wants is her mother catching her inviting the best man and the bridesmaids to a post reception orgy in the honeymoon suite.

If the subject of sex comes up at family gatherings I affect a slightly bewildered look and mutter 'oh that sex yes I think I read something about it once in a medical journal, what a silly business' , then swiftly change the subject. The last thing I need is my parents seeing me drunk at a party where I'm the centre of attention and getting the right idea about me. I have disappointed mother enough.

Then there is the frankly appalling way married people speak to each other, always trying to invite a third party into their petty disputes -bloody perverted squabble swingers the lot of them. I'd prefer not to end up like that. At present if anyone makes a disparaging remark about Mr Clairwil I want to kill them. Only the other day I brought tears to someone's eyes for failing to talk about him in suitably deferential tones. Of course if I were married to him I'd merely have laughed, denounced him as a twat and started chatting folk up at the office photocopier with a view to starting several affairs.

Anyway let's meander towards the point here. Today The Guardian published an article written by a very pleasant feminist lady who's having an awful time of it getting married. For a start she's got to contend with some buffoon who reads her blog sniping that she's failed to find a way 'to bring [the patriarchy] down'. Like I say I can't see the point in getting married but to each her own.

As a result of wanky comments like the above and making the terrible error of not wanting to offend people who are determined to be offended she's forced herself to jump through all sorts of ethical hoops: using her engagement to promote the fight for same sex marriages, buying an 'off white' dress from a charity shop, keeping her last name and the like. None of which I object to. I just think it's a shame that she has been made to feel that what should be a private matter and hopefully a happy one is something that requires justification.

Normally I want to shove folk like her down the stairs. Normally I'd sneer that's she's merely exchanged chasing male approval for chasing approval from an unrepresentative group of women but she seems like a rather earnest but decent, well intentioned egg so I shall refrain from doing so, in the hope that one day she grows a sturdier backbone and sticks up a jolly two fingers to the snipers.

In that spirit I'd like to invite her to Glasgow for her hen night. It'll be top hole stuff and we promise to keep it free from ethical considerations because even feminist bloggers deserve a day off. There will be a decent curry, booze, raucous laughter, bad dancing and the promise that what happens in Glasgow stays in Glasgow*. C'mon Jessie you won't be able to enjoy your wedding day for worrying what po-faced inadequate you've upset by enjoying yourself so make your hen night a night to remember. We'll even make the first bottle fairtrade. Let your hair down and fuck the bores for one night of your life.

Cheerio

* Alternatively she could write about it on her blog and alienate the duller readership.

Oh God! Not Rupert!

2009-04-17T23:02:00.002+01:00

Hello,
I'm not one of those folk who pore over pictures of the rich and famous guffawing at bad plastic surgery or worse looking for cellulite and the like. One of my favourite pastimes is looking at things and I'd far rather look at a beautiful thing than a ropey one. I'm funny like that.

There are few things I enjoy looking at more than Rupert Everett which is why stumbling upon this act of vandalism tortures me. Who is responsible for this outrage? He was aging rather nicely-what on earth possessed him? The surgeon responsible must be strung up before he reoffends.

I'm honestly devastated at the loss of one of the world's great beauties so much so that I'm considering having my stationery edged in black. Is surgery a bit like hairdye in that it settles down a bit after a time? Please answer yes.

Cheerio

Benefit Scrounging Scum!

2009-04-15T21:24:00.006+01:00

Hello,
Is there nothing an MP wouldn't claim on expenses? Is there no point where they think they might be able to manage to buy something out of their wages?

I merely ask because the loathsome James Purnell has been claiming £400 per month, roughly double what an unemployed 20 year old get's a month with with to buy food, pay their utility bills, water and sewerage charge, clothe themselves and travel to and from job interviews. He was trying to claim £475 per month but apparently that breaks the rules. Thank God there are some rules otherwise the claims of these scrounging scumbags would run into billions.

However our generosity to scrounger James does not end there, we the tax payer also splashed out £145,000 since 2001 to pay for cleaning (!!!!), utility bills and his second home in Islington. No doubt James reckons all these are essential costs.

The thing is all the people that Jamesey would cross the road to avoid, that he's happily tossing off Employment and Support Allowance regard their double figure pittance as essential, whilst James regards it as an incentive to be idle. I'm sure James is right -they couldn't possibly be paying a buffoon all that money could they? So with that in mind I suggest a national whipround to pay James the sum of £64:50 per week from now until he retires on the strict condition he stays out of the workplace, lest he cause any further damage to the country.

Before we pay James off though I'd be delighted if he'd pop in to my workplace and help us out with a couple of benefit gluttons we've been dealing with because we're having a bit of trouble. First up is a fellow, also called James, a lovely man, very polite, reeks of piss, wears a dressing gown as an overcoat, can't go anywhere without his mother, talks about his cat all the time and would like to join the police force. For some reason employers seem to be reluctant to employ him. I'd love Jamesey to tell us where we've gone wrong and identify exactly what sort of work this man is fit for because his department declared him fit for work despite him suffering a wee touch of Paranoid Schizophrenia. He scored zero points on the Incapacity Benefit Descriptors. If you've ever wondered what a benefit medical is like -this is a pretty good description. Very unfortunate but we simply must protect the public purse from scroungers.

Another chap I'd like to find work for is a charming, personable, clean young fellow who's hit hard times. He's twenty-three years old and was made redundant in October last year but got temporary Christmas work in November before being paid off again in January. He's applied for ninety-three jobs since December 2008, attended twelve interviews since January and doesn't seem to be having much luck. His weekly income is £50:75 from which he pays £5.00 per week towards water and sewerage, £ 10.00 per week to electricity, £7.00 per week to gas , £8.00 per week rent, £5.00 per week to his pay as you go mobile and the rest to food, housekeeping, clothing, travelling to interviews and stamps. Still with incentives like £50:75 per week is at any wonder he's not working? Perhaps James could set him to the righteous path of toil.

When Labour came to power unemployment was just short of two million. It is now much the same despite the 'New Deal', Tax Credits and various other carrots and sticks to prevent idleness being introduced over the years. Is it possible that unemployment might be influenced by something outwith the claimants control? Or are we just too generous to incompetent ministers who, when presented with an expenses claim form do nothing but take this piss? Perhaps it's time the benefit system was looked at by people who don't labour under the misapprehension that we're all as low as they are.

Cheerio

Guerrilla Gardening In Wilson St

2009-04-13T22:02:00.003+01:00

Day Tripping

2009-04-12T20:48:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I've been making the most of the fantastic weather today, firstly by scattering a few seeds and picking up litter from my Wilson Street flower bed, or my garden as I like to think of it, at the unholy hour of 8:30am. Then it was back to Clairwil towers for a spot of breakfast a play about on the internet before being swept off to the countryside by mummy and daddy for a belated birthday lunch.

As some of you may know I don't drive. I tried it once and nearly drove into a wall -though in fairness I was drunk at the time. After that I thought that it might be best for all concerned if I were to avoid cars. Naturally mummy sensing that I was perfectly happy not driving has leant on me to change that, so much so that I was thinking of having a go whilst sober.

Today changed all that. My parents are good people but never in my whole life have I seen two human beings more ruined by the automobile than them. Firstly they took me to the Lomond Shores retail outlet which has a marvellous view and mediocre shops including a branch of popular confectioners Thorntons. Can anyone tell me what the point of that wretched place is? A sweet shop should be a place of joy but it's so beige. If I had the money I'd open a proper fucking sweet shop and drive them out of business.

Now had we stayed at Lomond Shores we could have gone for a walk in the national park or even visited the Loch Lomond Aquarium but since we had a car we could leave and be elsewhere in a flash. Elsewhere, after speeding through beautiful scenery at an alarming rate, turned out to be Luss but we couldn't get parked so carried on flying along in the car until we reached The Drovers Inn, I was perfectly happy, there was a rooster, several chickens, a tit, stuffed animals and a beer garden. However Mummy didn't like the menu so we left and drove to the Ben Lomond Restaurant but again the menu didn't meet Mummy's exacting standards. So we got in the car again and eventually had lunch at The Tickled Trout in Milngavie.

Now imagine how much better that would have been without a car. We'd have hopped on a train at Queen Street, hopped off at Ardlui, gone for a walk and been so hungry we'd have been delighted with the fare on offer at The Drovers Inn (which was better than what we ended up with). In other words we'd have got by. We wouldn't have allowed a bit of snootiness to send us scurrying back to a pub barely outside Glasgow for a mediocre lunch. Cars make people soft and unable to cope with even something as trivial as a country pub's limited menu.

All of the above explains why my parents hated Port Logan whilst I and it would appear the anglers of England know it to be heaven on earth. We took the time to look at it, mum and dad drove in, saw the pub had a tartan carpet and drove back out. Cars have their uses but appreciating the land is not one of them.

Still on the plus side the whole pointless experience has got me plotting train journey's both great and small for the summer. The sooner speed bumps and vehicle tolls are erected in the countryside the better as far as I'm concerned. The countryside was made to be taken slowly with a smattering of public transport for the tricky bits. So for all the delays, aching muscles and bad food endured by the walker and passenger I'm happier on my feet taking the world at a natural pace and really seeing it. As someone who loathes the idea of roughing it, getting by and making do it's not easy to admit but sometimes the easy way is not the best way.

Cheerio

Meet The New Messiah!

2009-04-11T21:35:00.004+01:00

Hello,
It had to happen. The minute I heard from an anguished Mr Clairwil that Tony Blair had taken up Catholicism I knew he wouldn't be able to resist reforming it. Not content with reforming the Labour Party by putting together a programme based in all the horrid bits of the right and the creepy bits of the left, now he's taken up Rome meddling.

I'm quite certain that old Tony chops imagines future historians writing unfavourably of pre-Blair Catholicism and marvelling at the wonderful world of post-Blair Catholicism. Perhaps we'll all have to get used to writing BB and AB in history papers. I wouldn't raise so much as an eyebrow. I firmly believe that God shot himself following the broadcast of the first episode of Gladiators on UK television so barring a miracle he isn't going to save the world from St Tony -The Reformer. Nature help us!

It's his entire way of thinking that alarms me. For example he thinks the church should change it's view on homosexuality not because it's wrong, not because they ignore all sorts of inconvenient stuff from the good book so might as well add homosexuality to the list but because things have to keep 'evolving'. Good old Tony he's all about change isn't he? He doesn't of course go on to say why things should keep evolving as long as they are that's good enough for Tony. I'll bet it was a struggle to stop himself saying 'a bit like me really' when he referred to Jesus and Mohammed as aiming to 'change the way people thought traditionally'.

Not that he wants to offend the Pope by being really controversial because the Pope stands for 'some fantastic things'. He's not going to tell us what he believes these fantastic things are because that would y'know mean expressing a firm opinion in a situation where he wants everyone to like him. If you look back at Tony's career the only time he ever stuck to his guns was when he was pissing off the left of his party because that allowed him to delude himself that he was effective and experience the thrill of martyrdom without really being at any any serious risk. It's very telling that he attributes the Pope's opinions on homosexuality not to his sincerely held beliefs or principles but to a concern that he might have to give ground on other issues. In other words it's a purely practical management issue not a principle.

Make no mistake the only reason Blair ever championed gay rights was because opposing them would have made him look old fashioned. If in some parallel universe the last Tory government had been all for gay rights every last known homosexual in the country would now be attending 'family values workshops' having been made the subject of an ASBO. It's not that Tony hates gays it's just that he doesn't believe in anything that doesn't fit the personal advancement of Tony Blair. In the interview he describes feeling frustrated by Ken Livingstone's comparatively early championing of gay rights believing 'we had to get into government' , of course being a pretty straight sort of guy Tony is big enough to admit he got it wrong . Had gay rights cost him an election he'd be the first to condemn loony lefty Ken and the poofs.

It all begs the question why Tony became a Catholic? His voting record would suggest he's pro-choice, pro-gay rights and doesn't mind a war or two -even when the Pope himself condemns it. After all it's perfectly possible to believe in God and be a Christian without aligning oneself to a particular church. He's such a snivelling little opportunist I can't help but think there's more to it than pressure from Cherie. What is he up to?

Un PC Gone Mad!

2009-04-11T21:14:00.002+01:00

Hello,
Mummy obviously in one of her mischeivous moments sent me a link to an article in the Daily Mail. The queer thing is it's actually bloody brilliant, more alarming still the comments below are with a few exceptions in argreement with the article.

What in God's name is going on?

PC Gone Mad!

2009-04-09T04:33:00.009+01:00

Hello,

It is with great regret that I confess I have become rather too interested in online comments. Hours of my life have vanished gazing in slack jawed astonishment at the remarkable comments on various newspaper websites.

The Guardian comments in particular are a source of constant bemusement. Take for example their reaction to the assault on Ian Tomlinson.

One has to wade through the comments claiming the police officer concerned is clearly guilty of murder or that we are now living in Nazi Germany and so on which are as predictable as they are absurd, to get to the real belters. It's all there -the outrage at the general concensus, the more in sorrow than anger tone, the air of superiority of the folk who are defending the police officer involved.

So to save you the job of ploughing through hundreds of comments I shall tackle the case for the defence of PC Push by making snide comments in the usual style.

One of the most tireless defenders of the policeman concerned asks us all to remember that the man was under stress. I have no doubt that he was and have a degree of sympathy for him in that respect but I am also led to understand that police get training in that sort of thing to help them cope in stressful situations. Furthermore I'd suggest that someone who has difficulty controlling their violent urges when their job causes them stress might be better suited to lighthouse keeping than police work. One wonders if it was also 'stress' that prevented his colleagues from restraining him? Of course I'm sure those who are defending him on the grounds of stress would be quite happy to be assaulted by anyone under stress.

The same tireless defender goes on to argue that the policeman will have to live with what happened for the rest of his life which is punishment enough. Christ I thought I was liberal! On that basis why punish anyone at all? Gosh what a beastly society we are -locking up poor old Mareck Harcar for twenty-five years when the poor lamb will have to live with being a nasty, murdering, rapist scumbag for the rest of his days. God I feel such a crumb for hoping a few of his fellow inmates beat him to death, ideally having sodomised him with a broken bottle first. Still I'll have to live with having thought that for the rest of my life. Pity my anguish.

I'm also quite intrigued by the notion that PC Push may have thought the fellow was drunk or stoned and responded to this by pushing him over. Honestly I've thought about this one all day and I remain puzzled. Why in the name of all that is sacred and holy would anyone let alone a police officer push someone over because they were intoxicated. If the man was causing a problem would it not have been more appropriate to arrest him?

Similarly I'm baffled as to why people keep implying rightly or wrongly that Mr Tomlinson was homeless or sneering at his occupation as a newspaper seller. I do realise that for some folk anyone earning less than them is inherently worthless but they could at least try and hide it. Of course I think what they're trying to say that the police only attack people not like us therefore it doesn't matter.

Then there is the hoary, old chestnut that all the protesters were middle class/ dirty/ stupid/ left-wing/anarchists/students/benefit claimants so therefore deserve everything that's coming to them. Isn't it remarkable that such lovers of the police have exactly the same outlook as the average Glasgow ned? I expect I'm alone for being terrified that people with the mental capacity to use a keyboard are still so alarmed that there are people that are different from them.

I could go on, there are other belters in there -the demonstrators as good as killed him, he wasn't dressed like someone coming home from work, he walked to slowly, the police abroad are worse, you can't criticise the police unless you're prepared to join the force and so on. And increasingly on. I warn you click the article link at your peril -days of my life have been lost forever.

Anyway I shall leave you with a prediction from my loony left perspective. PC Push will be hung out to dry and we shall all move on. Meanwhile his superiors who allowed officers to conceal their numbers, wear balaclavas (why?) and contributed to a general atmosphere of agression by issuing inflammatory statements to the press about being 'up for it' ahead of the protests will get off scot-free. If there's one thing Push can do to at least partially redeem himself it's to refuse to be the only one carrying the can.

Cheerio

Steady On Lass!

2009-03-30T23:43:00.004+01:00

Hello,
As I've mentioned once or twice before embittered, old drunk Tanya Gold rips my knitting something awful. However this time she has managed to completely astonish me with her outburst of psychotic snobbery at beauty contests of all things.

I must confess I can't really get terribly worked up about them, I don't think they tell us much about women generally or even women who enter beauty contests. I just wish the contestants were a bit more honest and instead of wittering on about world peace would just fess up that they want to win so they can fuck the entire premier league. In fact anyone who gave an answer like that should win no matter what they look like.

Anyway I can only imagine Tanya has been reading the works of the Marquis de Sade and possibly Nuts. How else do you explain her desire to 'to strip them of their degrees - and their over-moisturised heads - and use them as battering rams. Or tampons. (I hereby patent the idea of using beauty queens with degrees as tampons'? That was after she described the contests themselves as 'slagfests'. Good Lord! I thought it was the dreaded 'male gaze' we were all meant to flee in terror from but the 'Gold gaze' is only slightly less sinister than waking up to find Peter Sutcliffe peering in your window.

Worst of all for me was her sneering at the contestants poor spelling -a consequence of the poor education they received which she utterly fails to realise means that entering beauty contests is one of the few means they have of making anything resembling decent money. Sorry I just find something rather distasteful about a spoiled, stuck up, whiny, self pitying little fuck pig sneering at disadvantaged folk making the best of a bad lot. Perhaps that's what really gets her goat. If the women she wants to behead had been born with her advantages and opportunities they'd be doing ten times better in life than her whereas if she's been born where they were she wouldn't even have beauty contests as an escape route. The more usual feminist view of women in beauty contests as victims is not one I share but it is, all things considered preferable to behead the slags.

I wouldn't mind but she's the first to whine if you 'speak viciously' about one of her cronies at The Guardian. Rude as I am about Bindel I have never wanted to shove her up my fanny. Not even once for a laugh. Still I wouldn't like to be in Tanya's shoes when Stephanie Crabtree finds out what she's been saying.

Cheerio

One Shouldn't Cackle But.....

2009-03-25T21:22:00.004Z

'Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats. ' -H.L. Mencken.

Hello,
It would of course be terrible if mobs just went around smashing up the property of folk they didn't like but you'd need a heart of stone not to cackle at this morning's events at 10 South Oswald Road. I am of course referring to 'Sir' Fred's spot of bother with the good folk of 'Bank Bosses Are Criminals'.

I must declare an interest in that I have loathed Fred Goodwin since my days as an employee of RBS, there was of course my natural suspicion of anyone in authority but the main factor in my hatred of the unspeakable little creep was his habit of rolling up at offices and searching frantically for some reason to bully and humiliate a junior, usually female member of staff. Crimes that used to get his goat were shockers like hanging one's jacket on the back of a chair and having too many files on one's desk. Yes I must confess that irritated me no end, that and the fact he became visibly shaken and completely speechless on the rare occasions he picked the wrong target and got his answer.

That some poor bastard felt compelled to write him a note of apology after accidentally falling off a ladder and breaking one of his model aeroplanes tells you all you need to know about the repellent, inadequate, bullying little creep. You will also note the incredible spending and waste that went on indulging Freddie boy and other incompetents on the board. And to think I always felt slightly guilty at robbing the stationary cupboard on my last day - had I known that sort of caper was the norm I'd have helped myself to some furniture as well and possibly a computer or six.

For the love of God all we had in the way of catering was a bloody machine full of crisps and chocolate -not bit of fruit in sight, let alone fruit flown in daily from Paris. However I ask all of you to pay special attention to the 'rogue biscuits' allegation within the report and send Fred a packet of pink wafers at 10 South Oswald Rd, Edinburgh, Eh9 2HH. I will leave it up to you whether or not you enclose a photo of a jacket draped over the back of an office chair. If enough of us join in pink wafers could kick start the economy!

Of course the moral implications of this are being debated after a fashion over at The Guardian.
There is a part of me that loves mobs, head on poles and all the fun of the riot and then there is the dull socialised bit that keeps me civilised so I'm naturally a little torn between the two positions.

There are several objections to this morning's attack on which I'd like to chip in my tuppence worth. Several commentators have correctly pointed out that Sir Fred is but one individual and plenty of others including the government should shoulder some of the blame for the current mess. I am in complete agreement but as I see it we pick them off one by one. It would be a terrible waste of righteous anger if Freddy was the only one taking pelters.

It has also been pointed out that violence isn't the best way to change things which is indeed a fair point. Though of course no actual violence has been used or threatened as far as I'm aware. What has occurred is an act of vandalism similar to what goes on in schemes the length and breadth of Scotland -the chief difference being that the scheme dwelling victims don't deserve it and the police couldn't care less. It is also worth pointing out that Goodwin could end this any time he liked by handing back his pension. As he has not done so I think it fair to assume he thinks a few smashed windows and a life lived looking over one's shoulder is a fair exchange for the money.

Other's have pointed out that the government are delighted that everyone is calling for Fred's head on a plate as it distracts from the failure of their regulatory systems. Another fair point but they're on the way out, though I'd be supportive of anyone smashing their windows to see them on their way if I didn't think we'd end up paying for it.

Whilst I'm saddened to see a handsome old house damaged I am delighted to see Fred confronted with how the nation feels about him. So let's not waste this opportunity to rub it in send him a packet of pink wafers, sign the petition to have him stripped of his knighthood and then get creative- now we know he's not at his house in Edinburgh why don't we 'repossess' it for the nation? Anything short of injuring the fucker physically. I honestly believe if we all and I mean, all of us make the effort we could bring on a severe nervous breakdown. It won't solve anything but it'll be a good laugh and at least we know he'll have paid for his greed at our expense.

Cheerio

Snaps

2009-03-19T23:21:00.006Z

Clairwils Den!

2009-03-19T22:23:00.004Z

Hello,

Tonight I have been lending money to the 3rd World- interest free I hasten to add before Bono starts shouting at me.

Having cast my beady eye over a host of hopefuls I have invested in a woman who sells rum in Peru and another in the fashion business from Togo (both pictured above) and said I'm out to everyone else. I'm not a total monster I do hope it helps the folk concerned out but there is something rather enjoyable about playing dragons and interrogating the loan applicants in one's head.

It's cracking good fun and a bit like bingo in that there's no guarantee you'll see a penny of your cash again. Still it is nice to see a bit of sanity in the world of business. Perhaps Kiva should expand their programme and let little businesses the world over bypass the bloody banks.

Toodles

Bring Me The Head of Denis MacShane!

2009-03-18T20:55:00.005Z

Hello,
Now that Terry Kelly has become too boring to worth mocking, I've been looking for a new scratching post and I'm pleased to announce that Denis MacShane is today's target. In all honestly I hate the lot of them but it does no harm to pick one and make an example of them.

Beside this Guardian column is just too awful not to mention and does in many ways typify what's wrong with the whole arrogant shower. Denis is writing in response to ten proposals put forward by Guardian writers as ideas for a new Labour manifesto.

One writer proposes that Labour reform the electoral system by introducing proportional representation. Denis is against it on the basis that the BNP would get thirty MP's elected which is of course a very bad thing. Whilst I can't say I'd be jumping for joy, people are entitled to vote for anyone on the ballot paper and if they do so in sufficient numbers be represented accordingly. In other words Denis takes the view that PR would be fine and dandy if it was likely to result in Labour gaining 30 extra seats. Denis further attempts to put us off by declaring it would herald the end of the Labour party. Who cares? If the Labour party was a thing worth having surely it would not be relying on the electoral system to keep the BNP out but would seek to do so by tacking the problems that lead their supporters to leave them for the BNP and making the case against BNP policies. Why he didn't simply explain that he's only in favour of democracy if it produces a result he likes and have done with it is beyond me.

He is also casually scornful of the 'old-trot' proposal that politicians should be paid the average national wage because the Tory front bench only use the wage as small change due to their vast wealth earned elsewhere. Quite why MP's need to be paid more because some of them don't really need the money is not explained. Presumably he means that Labour MP's all being working class types (no laughing at the back) can't afford to enter parliament for less than £60,000 p/a + vast pension + expenses. That being the case I take he'd be supportive of us all walking out our jobs tomorrow and refusing to return until we got the same. After all if only people with private wealth can afford to live on less then I'd suggest the minimum wage want's looking at as a matter of urgency to lift us all out of this terrible poverty.

Personally I'd go further than the national average wage I'd pay the buggers the average constituency wage as an incentive for them to do everything in their power to raise living standards in their constituency. If it's good enough for their constituents, then there's no reason at all why they can't manage on it. I'd go further -no funding for 2nd homes! We should build them a very basic no frills halls of residence to live in whilst they're at Westminster and if they're too grand for that then they can fund their own sodding accommodation. As for the rest of their expenses the folk at the DWP who administer the social fund would be the ideal candidates (except for Tom at Atlas Rd who is a gentleman).

Moving on Denis would also like to end trial by jury for people accused of rape because we aren't locking up enough rapists. He describes our rape conviction statistics as a global disgrace. To be fair they are shocking and tempting though measures like this may be to lock up more rapists, it's the thin end of the wedge -anyone who honestly believes the loss of the right to trial by jury would end at rape cases is deluded. As for our statistics being a global disgrace is he quite sure? Stories like this , this and this suggest attitudes to rape in other parts of the world might be a teensy bit more alarming than in blighty. Nevertheless in Mac Shane world the Saudis tut tut at our low conviction rate. He might also wish to reflect on the damage his government and their 'targets' have done to investigations of rape allegations.

Everyone who elected this monstrous halfwit should be ashamed of themselves.

Cheerio

Oh My Sainted Aunt!

2009-03-16T20:39:00.002Z

Hello,
I seem to recall not so long ago writing a post mocking hysteria over the reccession, merrily chuckling that it would all sort itself out. Clearly that was bollocks. I knew things were bad from the amount of newly unemployed people turning up in my work including folk from senior management to the office cleaner. However the moment I grasped that the folk in charge really didn't have a clue what they were doing was when having buggered about with interest rates to no avail they started printing money.

Anyway naturally folk viewing this crisis ask the question what should be done? I'm fucked if I know but I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest the folk at Birkbeck College have not stumbled on the answer. Their somewhat surprising suggestion being communism! Well it was such a rip roaring success last time around. Look I want to see Fred Goodwin and pals dragged from their homes and shot as much as anyone but for God's sake communism? I have never been so surprised in my life.

This should of course be the paragraph where I detail my proposals for sorting the whole mess out but I haven't the foggiest idea nor am I convinced anyone else has. Something will turn up eventually but I suspect it will be more by accident than design.

Cheerio

Have I Overlooked A Classic?

2009-03-13T20:58:00.008Z

Hello,
I've been on one of my periodic swans round that internet and stumbled across this article in The Independent -to save you the trouble of ploughing all the way though I shall summarise. Once upon a time there was a very bad man called Clint Eastwood who made immoral films then got a bit older and started making moral films because America is becoming a nicer country.

Anyway the article goes on at some length about 'Dirty Harry'. I'd always been aware that there was something vaguely disreputable about the film but as I'd never fancied seeing it I hadn't bothered to investigate and filed it under 'things for weirdos' in my highly organised brain filing system. Actually I may publish my list of 'things for weirdos' on this very blog so my readers can advise me if I've missed out on any other potential treats.

The thing is having read this denunciation of the allegedly 'fascist' film I am forced to consider the awful possibility that my blind prejudice may have deprived me of a rather entertaining treat. Why in God's name did no one tell me that the baddie was a homicidal hippy nonce? As far as I can make out the hero Harry is a bit like me in that he wants to kill everyone and is irked by the rules that prevent him from doing so, where we part company is that he actually does it. I, having spent time with criminals as an adolescent fear being locked up with hundreds of self pitying, sub normal adult babies.

I have to say the homicidal hippy nonce sounds like the sort of baddie you retain a sneaky admiration for. He's called Scorpio for a start! Thank God I wouldn't have taken him at all seriously if he was called something mundane like Steve or Jeff. Oddly the hippy character is supposed to be 'a pansy-parody of the peace movement: a long-haired, androgynous, lisping hippie who wears the peace logo'. One hates to review a film unseen but as parodies go this one is a bit rubbish -a murderous paedo peacenik? Sounds more like a maverick CIA plot than a person to me but this is the wonderful world of film and if there is a message there, I suspect it's just that the makers of the movie hate hippies in much the same was as every other normal well adjusted person on the planet.

This being Hollywood of course Scorpio gets offed by Harry in the end after he makes Harry really, really angry by suffocating a fourteen year old and hijacking a bus full of children. Incidentally just where was Garry Glitter when all this was going on? Personally I'd have done something a bit unpredictable at the end like have the Vietcong appear kill everyone and install Scorpio as dictator of the USA except they haven't quite killed everyone........paving the way for Dirty Harry 2 -He's back and this time he's filthy!

Apologies for the digression, the point I'm strolling towards is that I find the whole idea of this immoral film highly entertaining and more than a bit funny. I don't know why but the notion of a mad hippy being pursued by a bent cop makes me grin from ear to ear. Will I be disappointed? How funny is it really? Is it any good at all? Or is our Mr Hari making it out to be a lot better than it is. Answers below please.

God The Daily Mail Is So Disappointing!

2009-03-10T21:47:00.002Z

Hello,
I've been catching up on the internet after my enforced absence and have been chuckling heartily at Julie Myerson's family catastrophes. I'm sorry but I think young Jake is marvellous! So much so that if he'd care to contact me with his paypal details I'll slip him a few quid to get a new pair of shoes.

The whole thing beggars belief. For a start why are his loopy parents going around insisting he's addicted to cannabis? It's not addictive. Anyone who reckons they are addicted just hasn't got the balls to admit they don't want to give up. In any case if they really believe he's an addict is making him homeless and bringing him into contact with real addicts the best way to tackle the situation? Perhaps Jules was hoping he'd end up on the game or in a crack house so she could earn a few quid off a follow up book.

Also peculiar is the parents desire to tell anyone who'll listen about his problems. That's bound to do his future employment prospects in later life a world of good. Mind you people love a misery memoir so should he wish to write a tell all about his absurd parents he'll be alright. Though I hope he doesn't they'd only get off on the attention.

Perhaps the funniest aspect of this story is that his parents told him they didn't mind mind him smoking cannabis, they just didn't want him getting addicted to tobacco, which as we all know is a bit common. You can almost hear the cry go up 'ooooh we didn't mean it we just wanted to show how liberal we were'. What's a boy to do? His parents tell him they don't mind him doing something, he does it then ends up booted out his home, humiliated and exploited by his money grabbing halfwit of a mother.

Still The Daily Mail disappoints I had hoped for a thunderous denunciation of Ms Myerson and her buffoon of a husband but I'd overlooked the class factor. Had some poor cow from a scheme hurled herself all over the press whining about kicking one of her children on to the streets, she'd have been denounced for dumping her problems on the rest of society, being a bad mother and having the audacity to give birth when she's not even middle class. Contrast this with the indulgence of Ms Myers who despite all her advantages, high income and education chooses to conduct herself like a more articulate Jeremy Kyle show guest. At least the guests on that programme have the defence of being, well let's face it thick and generally disadvantaged but what's Julie's excuse? Greed and love of attention? I shall be scruitinising her media output very closely from now on and if I detect so much as the whiff of a sneer at reality TV show contestants, Jade Goody or Jeremy Kyle show guests I'll be forced reluctantly to write something very, very nasty.

To think when I first got a whiff of this I assumed that Jake was just a lazy toff! Well I'm big enough to admit I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I strongly suspect he's a switched baby. Whatever the truth he's an owl raised by pigeons. Join me in chuckling as he cooly describes mum and dad as 'pseudo New Labour socialists' , hear the ring of truth as he goes on to compare them to 'two scared children who have a rose-tinted view of the world and, when something doesn't conform to it, they desperately try to force it'. He's spot isn't he. Myerson hasn't so much written a book as emitted one long howl of outrage that the world isn't he she thinks it should be. She's like one of those middle class women that no-one's ever said no to before. Rather like that stupid woman who threatenend to 'ruin' the Clairwil family after our cat 'murdered' her cat. Honestly she might as well have been stood on the doorstep screaming 'why can't you control nature?'. Still one shouldn't be too harsh there's sod all wrong with these women that a year or two working in factory wouldn't fix.

Cheerio

P.S I'm perfectly serious about the shoes.

O Internet I Have Missed You!

2009-03-08T13:47:00.003Z

Hello,
These last two weeks without my pc following a hard drive catastrophe have been trying to say the least. It doesn't help when people keep telling you to look stuff up on the internet then get all huffy when you respond through clenched teeth. Honestly I think I'd find giving up smoking easier.

On the plus side it has freed me up to a bit more reading than usual and of course a jolly spot of gardening. Other than that there is no plus side.

In other news I'm settling into my new job nicely and have been praised for 'exceeding expectations'. Whilst it's nice to be praised , I fear the job is too easy for me. Still it pays reasonably well and is secure for a couple of years, which gives me time to plan my next move. My plans for self employment are on hold for the time being as I'm reluctant to spend too much with things being as they are at the moment.

Anyway the computer seems to be back to it's old self again. So expect more blogging and bitching as per usual.

Cheerio

Clairwil v Istanbul

2009-02-14T23:48:00.007Z

I was in the middle of writing this when my pc died a couple of weeks back. I'm up and running again so wallop this up to reassure anyone who's still reading that I'm still alive.

Mehabra,

Well I can now add being sexually propositioned in a mosque to my list of things I didn't expect to happen to me. Whilst I am supportive of efforts by Muslims to promote a more liberal interpretation of Islam I cannot help but think offers of 'good fuck yes' are best made outwith religious buildings. If this is typical of the sort of thing that goes on in mosques it's no wonder the women sit in their own section.

Ah yes the 'modern European city' of Istanbul. Well it is modern in the sense that you'll have no bother getting a mobile phone connection and they have all the mod cons. However if you regard wacky ideas like women being human beings or more fancifully having the right to go about their business unmolested and what have you as modern then you'll share my irritation at the failure of the airline staff to tell the women on board to put their clocks back 200 years. Actually that's a little harsh 99% of the population are fine it's just the remaining 1% that lead one to think Valerie Solanas might have had a point.

I have spent the last week, in what I learned on the last night was a 'conservative' district, in this instance 'conservative' denotes backward illiterate sex pests rather than any serious ideological position.

My advice to the lone female traveller in this neck of the woods is to walk fast, ignore everyone and don a hijab. Not because everyone else wears one (most folk don't) but looking 'conservative' in saves a lot of hassle and cuts out about 90% of the sexual harassment you're likely to encounter (unfortunately there is no cure for looking foreign). As for the quick walking and ignoring folk it's the only way to avoid the intense pressure to buy a carpet or a leather coat. Honestly it was worse than the mobile phone counter in Dixons!

Until I got the hang of the place I spent my time storming the streets of Istanbul bellowing 'ayip' (Turkish for shame on you) at people who have difficulty coping with the sight of an unaccompanied woman. Honestly between the perverts, the carpet sellers and worst of all the tits selling leather coats I struggled to get a moments peace. Actually with the exception of the perpetrator of a very minor but distressing sexual assault* I had little difficulty seeing off the sex pests. A forceful 'ayip' saw off all but two of the most persistent.

The first of the persistent element eventually after lengthy negotiations agreed to leave me alone on the condition that I passed his phone number on to the all the 'sexy Scottish women' which I am happy to do. To be honest I think he'd fuck a barber's floor so I wouldn't let lack of Scottishness, sexiness or femaleness put you off. His name is Aydun, his number is 0536213 2978 and he reckons he's a ten times a night man.

The second got me so flustered and confused that being a mere silly woman I got my dates and times all mixed up and accepted a dinner invitation on the Saturday night. I'm so absent minded I forgot that it was Friday and that I was leaving Istanbul in an hours time. Gosh I do hope I haven't blown my chances there, it's always been a dream of mine to have sex with a promiscuous halfwit who regards me with complete contempt as a human being.

Re-reading the above I realise I've made the whole trip sound worse than it actually was. Most of the population are in fact good eggs and Istanbul is well worth a visit -just be aware that there are pockets of it where between the sales and sex pests it get's bloody unbearable. According to some Turkish folk I met on my last night I'd have been better staying in Galata on the other side of the river rather than Sultanahmet. That's not to say that you should stay out of Sultanahmet, it's just that a day or two at a push is more than enough before remaining in an almost permanent state of wary alertness starts to send you murderous. Much as it pains me to admit it -you might be better taking a man with you. It's also worth mentioning that it is a haven for smokers, the foods great and the architecture stunning.

I don't mention the downside to put anyone off visiting but in the spirit of forewarned is forearmed. The guidebooks are too busy pushing the partially true 'modern European city' bit to make sufficient mention of this stuff which is a shame because had I known at the start of the week what I knew at the end I'd have had a much better time.

Oh and before anyone starts I was not walking around wearing next to nothing, in actual fact I was more covered up than most of the Turkish women one saw around the place. Nor am I making this up. I note, having scooted about the internet that there seems to be a degree of scepticism regarding accounts of sexual harassment in Turkey.

According to some it's no worse or more frequent than the harassment encountered in every other city in Europe which is odd because I've never encountered anything like it in Venice, Glasgow, Dundee, Edinburgh, London, Manchester, Paris, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Nice, Stirling, Prague or Krakow. Presumably these folk also imagine that the women of Istanbul were protesting for no reason.

Foodwise I recommend the 'Green Corner' near the Hagia Sophia. It's in pleasant surroundings, the food is quite good, they do a nice apple tea and you can smoke a waterpipe filled with lovely apple tobacco. Also worth a visit is Dubb, a fine Indian restaurant not far from The Blue Mosque. I also recommend dropping into the Sultan Pub for a drink but not for something to eat -the food is bloody awful but the staff are pleasant except for the creep on the door. Divan on Divan Yolu does a nice enough salad and bread, though there is better food elsewhere you'd be hard pushed to get friendlier service.

For those who like looking at things I recommend taking in a performance by the whirling dervishes at the Press Museum. The Topkapi Palace is worth a visit though I was disappointed that the harem was closed for the day as I was looking forward to a poke about. the rest of the palace is well worth a visit, the grounds are beautiful, the jewels on display are breathtaking ( A magpie would go mental) and I saw Mohammed's footprints and beard clippings which was unexpected. He had quite a slim foot which leads me to suspect he probably had very good ankles. Also worth a gander are The Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia, The Grand Bazzaar, The Basilica Cistern and The Sultan's Tomb. All in all I didn't get to see as much as I'd have liked as I was a bit wary of straying into somewhere worse. But there will be a return journey in a few years to a different part of the city.

Cheerio

*Owner of the shop with the red canopy next to The Press Museum on Divan Yolu. I'd be grateful if you'd join me in a boycott.

Carol Thatcher

2009-02-05T22:30:00.008Z

Hello,

No doubt I'll pick up tomorrow's paper to read that Fern Britton has taken to erecting burning crosses in Brixton but is now sorry for any offence caused. But can we just give the outrage a rest please? It's getting tedious.

Mind you I must admit to being baffled by racists and their desire to foist their repellent opinions on the assembled company. It happens on the bus from time to time, they sit down and start banging on about 'pakis'. I very politely advise them that I'm not racist and that I find their views offensive and don't wish to listen to them and they either start complaining that they're being censored or backtrack.

At least these are folk who can barely read a sentence or it has to be said stand up straight but what on earth was Carol Thatcher thinking? I never cast the first sweary word in conversation to avoid causing unnecessary offence. Similarly I don't presumptiously call elderly folk by their first name unless invited to do so. In other words I tailor my conversation to suit the company. I'd been led to understand from the right wing papers that the BBC was a nest of pc lefties so why on earth did Carol Thatcher think no one would mind if she started bellowing about golliwogs? Does she have no social skills? I do wonder whether or not she'd have made the same remark to Tsonga himself and if not why not?

Frankly I'd have had more respect for her if she'd stood by her remarks but as far as I can tell she wants to have her cake and eat it by violating her employers code of conduct, one with which she evidently disagrees but still wants to stay on the payroll. Oh and another thing she might wish to reflect on the fact that she only is where she is today because of her mother and that means taking the rough with the smooth or developing an ability to muddle along in the work place and be judged accordinglyon one's own merits. She has been happy in the past to take work on the basis of being Thatcher offspring . In the circumstances is having it taken away as she is claiming on that basis any different?

Still the level of outrage being shown regarding all this is ludicrious and somewhat disproportionate. As far as I can tell most folk who were offended have said so and that's been that. In contrast other sections of of the press are behaving as if civililisation has ended because some folk find racially abusive language offensive. As far as I can tell what they seem to be demanding the freedom to say what they like without consequences. This of course would be the same press who were so understanding of Jade Goody and chums for their less offensive remarks towards Shilpa Shetty. Wrong sort of parents, I suppose.

All these recent scandals do make me wonder about the nations toffs though. What is it about race that gets them so excited? We have a fair old racial mix in this country these days it's hardly a novelty seeing someone that isn't white. I can't say I've ever had the urge to stroll into work and say 'Morning my little paki friend' to the girl at the next desk. I usually find using her name and the usual chit chat suffices. Similarly I can't say I feel any urge to knock my African neighbour's door and call them a golliwog. Are the toffs worried they'll forget what race someone is if they don't keep banging on about it.

I was perusing the comments on some report of this story which I have unfortunately lost the link to and some chap was going off the deep end about all the awful things black people call white people which apparently includes 'snowflake'. I honestly hadn't heard of this before and whilst I don't want to encourage racial abuse I must confess I think 'snowflake' is charming. It's lovely like the sort of thing an elderly lady might call one as you helped her on the bus. I'm genuinely quite tickled by that, so much so that I may start calling myself snowflake.

Right that's enough from me, I'm off to Istanbul to point at the foreigners.

God I Loathe Thieves!

2009-02-01T21:26:00.003Z

Hello,
The clue is in the title. Not for the first time I and my fellow Guerrilla Gardeners are victims of crime. Some bastard has been nicking the plants we've put out on our formerly neglected patch for the benefit of everyone who passes by.

The Ill Man and I spent a good portion of Saturday evening trying to crack the case. I've been watching The Bill for years so I'm pretty knowledgeable about detective work. We're both agreed that a local is not responsible and suspect an incoming worker. Their habit of half inching two plants at a time suggests someone on foot. I believe it is one of the teachers at the local primary school, though The Ill Man suspects prejudice has led me to this conclusion. I'm half hoping it is a teacher and that I catch them in the act and can at last take terrible revenge against that wicked shower of child stunters. However other possibilities include the nearby church, colleges and university or the industrial estate.

Naturally, after exchanging theories, talk then turned to how we shall punish the scum responsible. I favoured stripping them naked, burning all their clothes and money and chasing them onto the main road whereas The Ill Man felt that holding them down and forcing them to piss themselves would be a better punishment.

My feeling is that we are not up against the usual member of the criminal classes. A proper criminal thief would make off with entire borders in one go and I don't think Glasgow is the best place to flog nicked outdoor plants as the majority of property is tenemental. No this swine is selfishly stealing public plants for their own private garden whilst no doubt convincing themselves it is a victimless crime, a minor bit of naughtiness that upsets no one. Hah! When I get my hands on them they'll rue the day they made that mistake.

My great Granny was prosecuted for beating up a marine and some other relative crushed a man's hand in a car door for looking at his car. As a family we do not make good victims. I might not be as violent as my fearsome ancestors but what I lack in muscle I make up for in inventive spite. I won't be happy until the person responsible dies of shame, has a breakdown or pays very generous compo and apologises in a grovelling fashion. Whatever comes first.

For anyone shaking their heads at my harshness or that this evidence of the wickedness of modern society, let me direct you to the following Guardian articles. This article shows that garden theft is not a new problem, though it was at least punishable by transportation. This one amply demonstrates that the liberalism of the Guardian reader does not extend to the garden. Truly they're only a lupin theft away from changing their order at the newsagent to the Daily Mail.

Why can't we bring the stocks back? I think they're a wonderful idea. Imagine the joy of hurling rotten food at a petty criminal -that's the sort of thing that brings communities together. Obviously I wouldn't condone hurling hard objects at them. What if a bad throw harmed the mob? But where's the harm in hurling a bit of shit, piss soaked sponges and rotten veg? It would be a fabulous tourist attraction -people would flock from miles around to take part. I realise it would be messy but the criminals could clear it up as part of their punishment.

Still to end on a high and remind us that for every low type there is a diamond out there. I was delighted to note that an anonymous donor had left us a bag of bulbs at the site -not cheapos either. Other than nurture the bulbs and put on an impressive floral display in the summer I cannot think of a way to thank our mysterious benefactor enough.

With the above in mind if you can identify our benefactor or our thief let me know. All heaven and hell will be unleashed accordingly.

Cheerio

Bloggers Block

2009-01-27T22:15:00.003Z

Hello,

I would apologise for the absence but it's really outwith my control. Try as I might I cannot think of a single thing to blog about. Not a sausage. Even Terry Kelly has ceased to amuse me -he never changes does he? SNP -bad, Isreal-bad, Robert Burns -bad, anything vaguely Scottish -bad, Tories- bad. Why doesn't he just cock off to Cuba and stop whining? Honestly I can't even be bothered winding him up anymore. He's bored me into submission.

Current affairs are off the menu. Any opinion on Israel or Palestine attracts a shower of personal abuse. On the mercifully rare occasions I have been lured into conversation on the subject people go off the deep end. Even Mr Clairwil looked like he wanted to strangle me recently. Mind you he looks like that a lot these days. I hate the waiting to be chucked bit. My optimistic nature prevents a preemptive strike -well things might improve. Besides he owes me £100. I'm not budging till I get that back.

The credit crunch is not much fun to blog about either. I have taken the precaution of beginning shifting my debt, meagre savings and current account over to my local credit union. I have no idea whether this is a good move or not but loans at 0.5% and share of the profits on my savings is better than anything my bank has ever offered. Still the hounding of Fred Goodwin and this creative response to debt have made me chuckle.

Work is a pleasant business these days having escaped my hideous former employer. A laid back boss, good company, a varied and interesting client base and the freedom to do my job properly. Similarly my leisure time is rattling along nicely -hurrah for gardening and hurrah for council neglect of urban green space.

What else? Well a new restaurant has opened round the corner and it's great, The Pakistani Cafe has reopened and the Victoria Bar is doing a bottle of wine and two courses for £5.10....for two! I'm going to sample it on Friday with my new friends from work so shall report back at the weekend.

Still none of this really merits a post. How does one get rid of bloggers block? Is it permanent? Am I doomed to infrequent posts on discount lunches, bad new and boredom? Fingers crossed my trip to Istanbul next month will provide a few blogworthy tit bits.

Cheerio

There's Always One.....

2009-01-09T23:23:00.006Z

Hello,
I see the atheists are creaming themselves over their pathetic adverts attracting a complaint. Ah there's nothing like playing the daring radical in your safe European home. Honestly all we need now is for some inadequate to send Dawkins a death threat and they'll enter a state of irreligious ecstasy. We can draw some comfort from the complainant having less personal credibility than the Hamiltons but it would have been better if no one had risen to it. Still the way the atheists have jumped all over this absurd complaint shows what a hollow attention seeking enterprise their little campaign is.

It's a curious thing but I've lived in Scotland my whole life and whilst I can recall being irritated by religion on occasion I can honestly say I've never felt remotely oppressed or harassed by it. Even when our evangelical chums turn up at your door at odd hours it takes less than a minute to send them on their way. I'm rather fond of the hellfire and brimstone types that preach in the town of a weekend in Glasgow with their dramatic tales of God rescuing them from a life in jail. They seem like well meaning if slightly intense eggs. In any case they clearly believe that religion has helped them in their lives surely the decent thing to do in the circumstances is to spread the word.

There is nothing whatsoever radical or daring about stating you don't believe in God in the UK but plenty obscene and self indulgent about the conduct of the atheists involved. When I was an atheist I used to say it to Christians and Muslims all the time and all I got in return was a calm statement of their beliefs. I think the worst thing that happened to me as a young atheist was getting smirked at by a teacher in school and told that I had rather too much to say for myself. I know we are a nation that has become prone to ludicrous overreaction to things or in other words spoiled beyond belief but surely the atheist community can live with the odd snide comment.

Of course there is a perfectly valid debate about what role religion should play in society. Personally I support the separation of church and state and the withdrawal of state funding for faith schools and I'd have been happy to support a campaign on those issues. On the other hand I'm perfectly happy for public holidays to be based around Christian festivals given Britain's Christian heritage. I'll take a day off whoever suggests it.

I would also have been delighted to see the money raised from the pointless bus campaign used to oppose genuine religious oppression. In my previous job I used to have a very pleasant chap calling into my office from time to time who had made the unfortunate error of being overheard telling a joke about a local imam and has the horrific scars to prove it. I also used to have a lovely woman call in who only escaped her death sentence for adultery because she was lucky enough to have friends and family with enough cash to pay bribes and buy her a plane ticket. Or if you want a less obscure example what about Meena Keshwar Kamal? All victims of religious oppression and not atypical yet the most pressing matter for British atheists is whether or not some punter on the bus believes in God or not.

Where is the money to help victims of religious torture? Where are the donations to campaign against oppressive theocracy? Languishing in the lack of media attention pile for being insufficiently sexy? Why is some London professional being irked by seeing a Christian advert on a bus more pressing than these issues? I have no doubt at all that Ariane Sherine regards herself and her beliefs as the centre of the universe but that doesn't make so.

Whilst we should be happy that we live in country where the worst thing that's happened to some folk is being 'made' upon pain of being shouted at to sing Onward Christian Soldiers at school assembly, I think it reasonable to be angered by their spoilt child posturing. Of course just in case you thought they were merely a petty bunch of badly dressed Marie Antionettes there is the 'compassionate side' to this campaign. I'm not kidding apparently they wet their pants at some Christian advert containing a link to a website quoting the usual biblical stuff about non-believers roasting on the hob of hell and got worried about folk who might be worried by this. Well God or wanky sixth former forbid that anyone should be worried!

Clearly the atheists are people so unsure of their own convictions that they need to band together for reassurance but does that mean that everyone else is so mentally weak? Who exactly are these Christian adverts worrying? I might be inclined to glance at the website and enjoy a bit of the Bible (one of my favourite reads) but anyone worried by it is likely to be a believer and hardly likely to be swayed by another bit of advertising.

If it wasn't be an obscene waste of valuable resources I'd suggest a bus campaign bearing the slogan ' British Atheists are probably just a bunch of self indulgent milksops with no stomach for a real fight so stop worrying and believe what you like'. Instead I urge anyone whatever their beliefs who is against religious oppression to make a donation to RAWA.

Cheerio

Benefit Reform

2009-01-04T22:14:00.004Z

Hello,
As I'm fond of telling you all I'm a big fan of the idea of benefit reform, unfortunately some fool put the government in charge and they aren't much cop at it. The principles behind it are mostly fine but in practice the con artists will be mildly inconvenienced and DWP staff will take it out on the vulnerable, the respectable and the genuine. I'm rapidly forming the view that the only way to get a good deal in this country is to be obnoxious and intimidating. If you tell the truth and try to follow the rules the ferocity of the state knows few bounds.

Anyway that oaf they've put in charge of benefits got off to a good start when he said:

'We will not repeat the mistakes of the eighties and nineties when thousands of people were moved further away from employment by condemning them to a life on Incapacity Benefits. This only makes it harder for them to find work and get their lives back on track.'

In fairness to the last Tory administration they believed that many of the then unemployed would never work again and thought the best they could do for them was get them as much money as possible -it is also worth pointing out that almost all this money goes straight back into the economy, benefit claimants not having much to save.

Of course the left used to argue that these people had a right to work, then lowered their sights to a right to benefits instead. I doubt the existence of a substantial underclass was the intention but the combined efforts of the left and right have made it so. The government's vision of everyone working to the best of their ability in the interests of both themselves and wider society is a good one which makes it all the more frustrating that they're going about it in the wrong way.

The first part that caught my eye concerned my chums the single mums. I view motherhood, something for which I am devoid of talent, as rather heroic. I can and do put others before myself from time to time in my daily life but to have to do it all the time is unthinkable. Only a lottery win and a good nanny would compel me to breed. For me the ideal would be not just two parent households but close extended families. Children are wonderful unconscious comedians and a joy but they require a lot of looking after. Not least to protect them from aunties bearing gifts and telling tall tales about their adventures on the high seas. Still the world is not ideal and we are where we are.

Returning to the point the government propose to 'pilot conditionality for workless parents of children younger than currently planned.' Personally I don't believe that anyone with care of children under five should be under any pressure at all to work. The early years are precious and however good full time pre-school care might be, it is no substitute for anything but the worst parent's care. After that I think making any benefits dependant upon searching for work is fair enough except where the parent is in further or higher education or training for work in which case I think the cut off point can reasonably be extended to 12 to allow single parents the chance to pick up their education where they left off.

I would also like to see the introduction of an absent parents tax band and benefit level except in situations where maintenance is being paid. It should be socially unacceptable for absent parent (usually fathers) to resort to every trick in the book to evade paying for their own children but it isn't. In fact it's endemic, in my last job I would expect to see a total of 20 clients a week, of them at least three would be men seeking to evade CSA payments. Not one I ever encountered felt any shame regarding their failure to support their own children. Instead they either thought of child support as something the state should take care of because they were on benefits or something they shouldn't have to pay because the mother was neglecting or mistreating the children. Curiously not one father felt he had a duty to report this neglect or mistreatment to anyone other than the CSA which, in my book at least, makes him complicit. In any case benefits and child maintenance are not rewards for good motherhood they are payments to the parent with care -nothing more.

The government have stated that parents can place reasonable restrictions on their availability for work to take account of their childcare commitments. They have also stated that childcare will be made available throughout the land. I have my doubts about how this will work in practice. In my experience DWP staff delight in their power over claimants and never miss an opportunity to withdraw benefit. The exception to this curiously enough being any claimant likely to turn violent. I can't see them being terribly sympathetic to anyone who refuses to take up work because of a lack of good quality, affordable childcare available locally.

It is worth mentioning that parents can currently claim up to 80% of child care costs back in tax credits, I'd like to see this extended to allow parents to nominate a family member to receive payment for child care provided during their working hours. Payment at 80% of the minimum wage up to a maximum of thirty hours seems reasonable to me and represents a cheaper option than paying private rates. I would also set the applicable benefit amount for a couple at exactly twice that of a single person to encourage the take up of employment by at least one member of the household and disincentivise the relatively rare but not not unheard of trick of separating in order to play the system.

The government claim to want people to work which makes their treatment of people who have worked all the more baffling. Consider how a twenty year old who left school at sixteen for employment but now finds themselves unemployed might feel at receiving only £47.95 per week contribution based Jobseekers Allowance, when someone aged 25 who has never worked gets £60:50 per week. If the government values work and if National Insurance contributions are to mean anything at all then this meaningless age differential should be done away with. Anyone who has made sufficient contributions should be paid at the highest rate, those that haven't the lower. The only exception to this I would make are people coming off Incapacity Benefit or Employment and Support Allowance who should not be discouraged from making themselves available for work if they wish to.

There is also the fact that someone just out of work is more likely to want back into to it quickly to maintain their lifestyle. Instead of making them sign on every two weeks I'd like to see them given a lump sum equivalent to six weeks benefit when they first register. If they enter employment before six weeks is up, then they're up on the deal. If not then they should sign on monthly for up to six months at which point it's every two weeks. Yes this would, in some cases, mean paying out more benefit than is required but it would also create an incentive to find work quickly and a small reward for work done and taxes paid.

The government make no mention of this or anything resembling it. Instead their grand plan is to compel people who have been unemployed for two years or more take part in some form of full time activity including voluntary work. This does nothing to address the massive two year gap in the CV prior to taking up 'full-time activity'. As someone who has worked in the voluntary sector I am also concerned about the havoc that forced volunteering (forgive the oxymoron) is likely to cause. Instead I'd incentivise taking up voluntary work much earlier on by paying income based JSA at the higher rate for those engaged in voluntary work of of more than 16 hours per week, with an equivalent raise for those on contribution based benefit. In addition I'd allow them to keep any expenses paid out by the charity concerned. However I do not think the unemployed should be engaged in any sort of full time activity, surely a substantial portion of their time should be devoted to finding paid work. A ceiling of 25 hours unpaid work would allow sufficient time to work voluntarily and look for paid employment.

In addition to the above I would also like to see the reasons the person has been unemployed for two years addressed. I used to sign on behind a chap who couldn't even write his own name- something of a barrier to him finding employment that harrassing him to apply for jobs was unlikely to remedy. I would also like to see more large employers reviewing their application processes for low skilled jobs. Really what is the point of a large and off putting application form for a cleaning job?

Under the current system after six months National Insurance contributions run out for unemployment benefit. I would extend that to twelve months before the claimant goes on to the non-contributory rate unless they took up voluntary work in which case they could remain on the contributory rate of £60:50 (single) or £121.00 (couple) depending on their household income for a further twenty four months.

The government also make great play of the help and support to be made available to help people back to work. Incredibly DWP staff are actually being given the responsibility of providing this 'help and support'. In practice this involves 'help and support' for folk who don't really need it, whilst those that do are landed on charities and private companies. Naturally under the governments proposals charities and companies will receive funding based on results. I have grave doubts as to whether any account will be taken of the amount of work required in providing the support required in getting the 'difficult cases' back to work. I am also quite certain that private companies will use every trick in the book to dump the most difficult cases on to the charities.

With regard to the take treatment or lose money proposal to deal with drug addicts, I can't say I'm a fan. Unwilling addicts taking up valuable and scare rehab places helps no one. It is also worth pointing out that getting a methadone prescription would be classed as treatment. There aren't many smackos not on the methadone programme. Rather than give addicts full cash benefits I'd prefer them to be issued with food, travel and utility tokens with a very small cash payment. Whilst I realise this would in the short term cost the state more it would provide more of an incentive to clean up than the current system does. Incidentially I don't believe this would lead to large increase in crime. We are often told the average heroin habit costs £200 a day an amount far in excess of any benefits currently paid to anyone.

For reasons of space I have confined myself to work- seeking/potentially work seeking benefits. I will come onto disability benefits and the social fund in later posts.

Cheerio

Idle Chit Chat

2009-01-02T21:53:00.003Z

Hello,
Do you think there will ever be a time when people throughout the world exclaim yippee! The Middle East is on the news? Gather round children, fetch grandma from the pantry, this is bound to be an uplifting life affirming report. I have my doubts.

Not I may add that I have any idea what should be done and I very much doubt anyone does. All anyone seems to do is sigh, adopt a faux confidence and start banging on about pre-1967 borders. Though as it's neighbours weren't terribly happy with the borders prior to 1967 I'm not terribly optimistic about it as a solution. Not I hasten to add before people start shoe throwing that I have any better ideas. I shall be sticking to changing the channel and sighing.

As such I have made it my new year's resolution to avoid the news. What's the point of necking anti -depressants and taking up a nice restful hobby like gardening when the news conspires to ruin your day for no real reason? Do these reports move significant numbers of people to do something to help the situation? There's something obscene about fat westerners gawping at misery porn and using it as nothing more than material for futile pub boredom. Can you tell I went for a pint earlier? Thank God for the smoking ban I'd never have escaped otherwise.

On an entirely different note today's Herald informs me that the pint I know and love is an English innovation, the old Scots equivalent measuring about the same as three 'Imperial pints'. Not for the first time I must extend my thanks south -three pints in one glass! What in God's name were we thinking. I expect it was a bet that got way out of hand like tripe.

I must say fag packets are getting more interesting these days. I've had all sorts on mine recently, a dead man, a diseased mouth, a before an after picture of a diseased lung. What the anti-smoking mob forget is that I had this gore foisted upon me at school and was hardened to it long before I took up the noble habit. Anyway I have decided to make my own 'packet burkhas' which hide everything but the gory picture out of sheer bloody mindedness. For the love of God you've put us outside can we not be left in peace now? Nah thought not.

That said I am looking forward to the introduction of fags under the counter. I haven't bought under the counter fags since I was a girl. Being from Glasgow I've witnessed plenty of smoking related deaths and have concluded that awful as they are they're nowhere near as bad as the horror of senility hence why I smoke. Not that you get me holding up pictures of piss stinking old ladies in other folks ill fitting clothes rotting in chairs to non-smokers. They know the risks.

Right enough chatting to the internet. I'm off.

Cheerio

Annual Christmas Beating

2008-12-24T22:38:00.002Z

Hello,
With it being Christmas we are of course being treated the annual hand wringing about domestic violence in the form of TV adverts and concerned celebrities. Unlike dogs battered women are just for Christmas -anything rather than fund the organisations that provide refuge and advice to women fleeing brutes.

Adding insult to injury some buffoon has suggested that rather than jail folk for domestic violence we could offer them regular alcohol testing. Mercifully it was only a Lib Dem and not someone from one of the governing parties.

Lord knows I do my best to keep my hang 'em, flog 'em lynch mob instincts under control but proposals like this are a red rag to the Clairwil bull. Quite why an inability to control one's alcohol intake should be a get out of jail free card is not made clear. Since when did domestic fascists become the victims. The only way to make these creatures see reason is years of repeated anal rape in the Barlinnie showers. That said I am a fair minded sort I'd allow them to take a cushion to their prison AA meetings. Hell since it's Christmas I'd even throw in regular drug and alcohol tests for the duration of their sentence with loss of remission and the like for any positive result.

The argument in support of this nonsensical proposal is that 'over the festive period there is often a rise in cases of alcohol related domestic abuse'. Was Robert Brown educated? Is he drunk? What is his problem? Does he really believe that the frequency with which a crime is committed at a particular time of year should result in the perpetrator escaping any real consequences. Why doesn't he go the whole hog and propose granting the population immunity from prosecution for the festive period?

The benefit of putting the state for all it's flaws in charge of justice is that for the most part avoids vigilantism. If the Lib Dems really believe that by basing a state justice system round what is convenient in the holidays rather than what is right then one has to commend the repeated failure of the British people to put them in charge of anything bigger than a council.

I am tempted to organise a mass drinking binge swiftly followed by a mass beating of Lib Dem 'justice' spokesman Robert Brown. Keeping prison numbers down might well be the politicians priority but that's no reason for the rest of us to be stuck with unpunished violent criminals in our communities. If they really feel that strongly that violent men are victims in need of help and understanding rather than locking up then might I suggest they open their spare room to a few for the duration of their treatment orders. After all if being terrorised by violent drunks is good enough for our women and children surely they won't mind their own female relatives living in fear for a while.

Cheerio

An Unenforceable System

2008-12-08T21:56:00.003Z

Hello,
I see the conviction of Karen Matthews has given birth to a new panic about benefits. Having just entered my seventh year in the welfare rights racket I have amassed a bit of knowledge about these things. I do support the idea of state provision for those that need as opposed to merely desire it but have a number of concerns about the way the system makes it needlessly hard for people doing their best to support themselves and their families.

For some reason I am currently surrounded by people who think that because I can explain benefit entitlement I have a bit of influence over the system. Sadly I don't and rest assured if I did it would be very different from the one we have at present.

Still for some reason or another I am surrounded by people demanding that benefits to support children are scrapped. When pressed, of course, one discovers that like Karen Matthews used to they receive child benefit, child tax credit and working tax credit, use the health service and send their children to state school. Oh and before someone explodes the working tax credit would have been paid in respect of Ms Matthews partner's earnings. I calculate her weekly entitlement based on what facts are available to be £290.72 rather than the £400 reported in the press -though the actual figure could be nearer £400 if any of the children were disabled or she was on the fiddle.

When I explain all this to people, it emerges that they want to keep their child benefit and tax credits, state health care and education but change the law so bad parents don't get any. Whilst it is in some ways a tempting idea I'm not sure how it would be enforced. Presumably the state would need to define what a good parent is and assess every parent in receipt of child benefit in the country accordingly. In order to be effective such assessment would need to be ongoing. I'm quite sure even the worst parent in the world could run a comb through their hair and act the doting mother or father for a one off inspection. I'm also unclear as to how children unfortunate enough to be born in household deemed bad would benefit from being denied healthcare and education. There are times when muttering vaguely that 'something must be done' and that 'they' should do something is the best course of action.

Wafting about the internet as I do of an evening. I've seen it suggested that all unmarried mothers should be denied benefits and their children taken into care. Unmarried and absent fathers are of course to be exempt from any such penalty. Truly there is no crime like being a woman. It should also be remembered that 'care' cannot boast a particularly impressive track record in producing happy and healthy children. It also occurs to me that in the highly unlikely event such a law were introduced my perfectly well brought up niece would rounded up and taken into care because her parents only co-habit. As indeed would the equally well brought up offspring of my separated and divorced friends and acquaintances.

I have my doubts about the theory that Karen Matthews only had children for benefits in part because it appears to have been put forward by one of her exes. One hates to sound snooty but I question the judgement of any man who thought it was a good idea to start a family with her. I very much doubt she put much thought into having children. If the kidnap plot was any indication of how she thinks then my overwhelming impression is of a childish, emotionally unstable, self-indulgent liar of more than unusually low intelligence. I expect boredom, the attention routinely given to pregnant woman and new mothers would have been a factor as indeed would have been a temporary desire to hang on to the man of the moment. In truth I'd be amazed if she approached family life with much more thought than a five year old playing 'houses'.

Having worked on various schemes for almost the best part of a decade I can't say I've noticed many large families. Most families seemed to stop at one or two children. I did once deal with a woman who had six children but three of them belonged to her deceased sisters. Other than the odd three and very rare four child family I genuinely don't recall any visible evidence of a higher birth rate in less affluent areas. The only noticeable difference was that women tended to start families younger and only a minority of them in their teens with most having their first child in their early twenties. The notion that vast swathes of the country are populated by walking 'baby factories' (unless Glasgow is the exception) strikes me as wide of the mark. Oh and can I also ask those who insist on using the term 'get themselves pregnant' about single mothers please consider taking an evening class in basic biology? I won't spoil the surprise but they usually have a bit of help getting in the family way.

Demanding the scrapping of an entire benefits system because of Karen Matthews gives her way more importance than she warrants. People and cases like hers are mercifully rare and I'd no more base legislation round it than I would ban alcohol because a minority of drinkers develop alcohol problems. I remain unconvinced that benefits are the sole cause of what occurred in the Matthews household. Greed, stupidity, wickedness and an unimaginitive laziness all played a part. In addition it appears social services have some explaining to do. To me the amount of benefits claimed in that household was not the most distressing aspect of the case and I must own up to wondering about the priorities of those who seem to think it is.

I have personally encountered more decent benefit claimants than I have chancers in my life. That is not to deny fraud and laziness aren't a problem but is intended as a reminder that a lot of deserving and decent people will be the victims in any kneejerk bit of reform in response to this case. It is also worth remembering that there are also children involved and we all know what we think of folk neglecting them for a bit of cash don't we?

Cheerio

About Time Too!

2008-12-05T00:15:00.004Z

Hello,
As very long term readers should be aware I loathe, hate and despise the teaching profession. Oh I like the idea of it and some of them are excellent but in my experience the vast majority of them should be hurled into the lowest pit of hell or shot. I'm not fussy whatever comes first.

So you can imagine my delight and surprise to see one of them publicly humiliated and struck off for being a buffoon in charge of children. Still I am baffled what in God's name did she do wrong that 90% of them aren't? I expect she pissed off the wrong parents or wasn't terribly popular in the staffroom. If I were in her shoes I'd have taken my colleagues down with me.

Then again, could it be that standards are at long last being imposed on the morons?

A good teacher is a rare delight. Ideally they should be able to manage boredom well and make the subject engaging without resorting to childish and patronising games. With the exception of Art and Drama no -one really wants to be taught by a circus act. They should also care passionately about their subject and welcome questions from enquiring pupils. Nor should they be deterred by tantrum throwing pupils who don't want to learn. In truth teaching is a very difficult job but that's widely accepted is it not? I am therefore baffled why the profession is populated by socially inept, ill mannered, bullying careerist fucks who couldn't care less about children or their education.

A good teacher should be the norm but let's face it they aren't. As far as I can tell most of them approach it like cattle herding or worse wacky babysitting. I pity the school child of today. In my day you could vanish for months at a time and no one would come looking for you which meant I didn't have to go to school much. Instead I sat about libraries reading books and making attempts to educate myself since the people paid to do so weren't in the slightest bit interested (honourable exceptions- Technical, Home Economics, Religious Studies, Modern Studies and English). Nowadays one is five minutes late and one's parents are informed. That said I believe persistent truants get ferried to school in a taxi and allowed to pick and choose when they attend so it's not all bad.

I would recommend that the truant of today does not use the excuse that they are avoiding school in order to get an education. Nor would I suggest that this makes up for all the school trips one has been done out of because the teachers are involved in some sort of industrial action. In short do not lose your temper and use the words 'money for nothing', 'naked greed' or brutality. It makes them very angry, very angry indeed. 'Well I do take your point sir but....' is another no-no. Honestly it gets them fit to be tied. Oh and never complain when they refuse to answer a question because it's not relevant to the exam. I shan't bore you with the detail but having to explain to a senior and well paid English teacher that a passing knowledge of Shakespeare comes in handy in the study of English is outrageous. What sort of moron trains these buffoons? The internet wasn't on the go when I was at school so I can only guess they purchased their qualifications from a vending machine.

I am disappointed we didn't see the sort of scenes that we usually see outside the trials of paedophile though. I had hoped for a justified lynching -the first of many. Then again the whole time I was at school I could never understand why there wasn't a mass uprising by pupil and parent alike against them. Surely people don't need reminding that 'teachers' are funded by the tax payer.

Still it should be remembered that even though most of them are hopeless educators they are pretty good babysitters. Now that standards are being imposed on them who shall watch the kiddies when the inevitable shortage occurs?

Cheerio

Free and Well Fed!

2008-12-04T22:27:00.004Z

Hello,
It's a while since I last blogged but I've been experiencing a period of rapid change. I was made redundant last week and started my new job this week.

I hate to get too excited too soon but it appears to be going rather well,in that I have been given a free rein to organise my job as I see fit. In my last job I was micro-managed according to a secret and ever changing set of rules. In this one I could set fire to the office and they'd understand. It's like self-employment with the security of employment. In other words -a dream.

The gist of my role is ensuring folk who've returned to work or taken their first job after six months plus on benefits are getting in work benefits and are managing their finances. The aim of which is to help them stay in work. In other words helping folk make the best of themselves rather than claiming their way into a stupor.

As ever I'm baffled by the benefit system's hostility to independance. You'd think a government that wanted people off benefits and into work might do something to make the transition much easier. To be fair there is help available but as far as I can gather if people go and find work themselves and decline to take up the time of DWP staff looking for work they've had it.

I met a very pleasant lady this week who'd been a heroin addict for twenty years and in receipt of Incapacity Benefit who took a job she'd found herself eighteen months ago. Naturally she was verbally refused a benefit run on and job grant because she didn't tell Jobcentre staff she was looking for work. This has left her with rent arrears, council tax arrears and a fair bit of debt. The situation was made worse by her ostrich like refusal to deal with the situation until it got critical. It isn't helped by the government taxing her meagre income either. Still I'm hopeful I can do something for her. Plan A involves negotiation and begging. Plan B involves bankruptcy.

I don't deny her situation is self-inflicted but kicking a woman when she's down is bad enough, kicking her while she's trying to get back on her feet is wicked. This government is fond of slogans so here's one for them how about Tough to Claim, Easy to Work. Then again that bunch of congenital liars would only fail to live up to it.

Finally I must inform you all of a culinary treat lurking in the Govanhill area. For the love of God get yourself along to Delicious Corner (232 Allison Street, Glasgow,G42 8RT). It's Greggs for Muslims in that it offers a small selection of pastry delights filled with halal meat. Happily for the vegetarians their are vegetable samosas which are the food of the Gods. Delicious moist but not greasy flaky pastry, huge in size and plesantly spiced they slip down like a dream and may well be as addictive as crack cocaine. Only 50p a pop. I'm not often tempted by meat but they do spicy chicken balls the size of a man's fist for about 70p a go and I must admit to contemplating chicken murder as I gazed upon them. They do all the usual fare like sausage rolls, pasties and the like as well which my accomplice assures me are very tasty. All I can tell you is that they are unusually large.

All lovers of Asian food must tell everyone they know -the last thing we want is Delicious Corner going the way of the wonderous and much missed Pakistani Cafe.

Cheerio